i am woman, hear me rawr!

No, this isn’t a real diet related post haha.

I was just thinking today how I seem to have taken on a new form of an After 6 diet. Remember that diet that required you not to eat anything after 6 pm? Well, for some reason or the other, my brain has seemed to stop functioning during the day time. In fact, it feels like it only kicks in from 6 pm onwards. Haha.

Seriously, in as much as I am the sun goddess incarnate, I can’t seem to find myself moving and thinking until the sun sets. Egaaaad…..it’s crazy I tell ya.

Oh gaaawd how can I survive this way????

yes, welcome to today’s random rant

Bookmark It

*sigh*

one on hand, it's the most wonderful time of the year.....on the other, bah-humbug!

I’m going to go all Scrooge-y for a moment and take a moments pause from all the overwhelmingly inspirational posts I’ve been sharing lately to acknowledge a wee bit of not-so-happiness I am feeling right about now. Today I spent roughly four hours in my car sitting stuck in traffic. It seemed that there was no escape from it, no matter where I went. One thought that popped into my head (well, one of the so, so, so many thoughts that popped in!) was this:

Yes…it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Christmas traffic that is…

Notice how every time we cross the mid-October threshold traffic increases like ten-fold??? It didn’t help much that today was also the start of a long weekend, plus it’s been raining like crazy so traffic was virtually at a standstill for so long. Oh, and of course, let’s not forget that since it’s the weekend, sales and bazaars were aplenty again today. I was amazed that not only store windows are lined with Christmas-y stuff like trimmings and ProFlowers Christmas decorations, even a street vendor I came across today carried those little plastic Christmas trees.

Well…like I said, I’m a bit Scrooge-y when it comes to Christmas, so all that was kinda challenging for me.

This is the one holiday, well the whole season all the way till New Years to be exact, that always manages to tap into a somewhat sad part of me. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not that I don’t see and find pleasure in the festivities of the season, because I still do. It’s just that the Christmas season brings back a lot of memories of people and things now gone that I miss to bits. Sometimes, I miss it so much I feel my heart breaking over and over again. It is the one time in the year that I miss these people and things the most. During the rest of the year, I do think of them, and smile fondly when I do, but during the holidays, it becomes a tugging ache in my heart.

This song says it all for me:

I guess the best word for how I feel about the holidays is bittersweet. On one hand, it reminds me of how blessed I am and how many wonderful things there are for me to be grateful for, but on the other, it also reminds me of what I don’t have and still long for. Okay, okay, I do recognize that that whole statement is kinda…self-indulgent and melodramatic, but isn’t that what emotions are after all? Seriously though, what I do like about the holidays is how it brings people together and fosters the happy spirit of giving (not necessarily material things but giving of one’s self). It is also a time when you really can appreciate the wonder of friendship, the joy of love, and the enduring strength of family. There is so much togetherness that is fostered in the holidays and to some degree, I do like that. However, because I am more of the introverted type of person (as unbelievable as that may seem), I thrive in just being by myself and with a select few. So all the togetherness and joy the holidays bring tend to take it’s toll on me. Again, it’s not that I don’t like it…I just can’t deal with too much of it. I guess in many ways, I feel overwhelmed by all the movement and energy, as well as the colors and the noise that the holidays bring.

See, told you it’s bittersweet.

Scrooge mode still on. At least for the moment.

Bookmark It

The kids I teach in preschool love it when the weather suddenly changes while we are doing our daily calendar. They get a kick of saying it’s a cloudy day when they first come in, then it becomes a sunny day, then not long after, it starts to rain and it becomes a rainy day!

As for me,  I HATE IT!!!

In as much as I love, love, love sunny days (so much so that without sunny days I feel like I am slipping into a state of depression), I wouldn’t mind a string of rainy days, as long as those days would be reflective of what a rainy day is. What I mean is I don’t like it when it gets so, so hot and then all of a sudden there’s a downpour. That really drives me nuts. Not just that, the sudden changes in weather never fails to get me sick. It triggers my asthma which soon escalates to the flu and before I know it, I am down with a bug that is so hard to shake off. My friends and family keep telling me that maybe I should bulk up on Vitamin C, or perhaps be more consistent in taking multivitamin supplements to help my immunity. I guess that might help, but what would really help, in my opinion, for the weather to behave!

Please, dear Mr. Sun, make up your mind if you’re gonna shine or not!?!

Bookmark It

go away, bad day

I believe that one of the greatest gifts I received from my dark night is the reassurance that I have it in me to make it through whatever challenge I face no matter what. I took from that the knowledge that despite being in the midst of whatever storm, there would always be a silver lining somewhere there. It may be difficult to spot, but it’s there.

Today, however, all that is being challenged in ways I cannot explain. And I think it started out in a very trivial manner, but it definitely has snowballed beyond imagination right now.

*ssssiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhh*

It is so overwhelming that I find myself on a slippery slope right now, fighting for balance which seems to be elusive. And yes, the more I struggle, the deeper and more tangled I get. Cognitively I know that being still and not fighting back works wonders but in me, for the life of me, I can’t let it go. GAAAAAAH!!!! In the brief moments of quiet between the buzzing in my head that I try to ignore, I see that what this all boils down to is the fact that I hate feeling how I allow myself to get irked by little things, like not being heard or understood. Or being an after-thought.  Little, itty bitty things that I should let it in one ear and out the other but for some reason, it burrows itself in there and festers. Then the next thing I know it’s bigger than me. And when this happens, I feel like the meanest, most selfish, unreasonable person on earth.

And I hate, hate, hate the fact that I’m whining about it.

Then I start wishing for things I shouldn’t wish for, like someone to just take away the inis for me and to solve the problem for me, then this makes me think about when I thought I had that but I was wrong and so the cycle continues. Yes, this is one of those moments when I hear those sappy love songs play the soundtrack of my sad, melodramatic single-girl life. yuck ang baduy.

Then I feel stupid for thinking these things. Which in turn frustrates me. Then makes me angry. And then sad. And then empty. And then exhausted. Then I feel even more stupid because I know there are people around who care and all but I am too consumed with myself to let them help. Which in turn makes me feel like I am in this thing soooo alone in the midst of a war. And again, the cycle continues. Then the snickering whispers I imagine get louder and louder until I hear nothing else but that.

In the famous words of Meredith Grey: “I mean, if life’s so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What’s up with the need to hit the self-destruct button?”

Yup….my finger has been on that button all day long. Ihstoooopid.

Oh…and did I forget to mention that Project Prettify Me was a dismal fail today? Well, on the inside I suppose. I felt so pangit and fat today and no amount of dressing up or make-up changed the feeling.  *sigh*

Then again, as she put it: “Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know, maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

Where’s the darned ignore button when you need it???  Take this hammer away from me dang it!!! That’s what I get for giving up ice cream!!!! To be fair, however, I think the Fat Girl No More in me is winning in this battle…no ice cream but sorry nalang, sungit mode muna.

Yes, yet this was another ranty, angtsy post brought to you by your favorite Drama Queen

Bookmark It

Yesterday was truly a series of unfortunate events.

For one, I left my car window open a little bit but it rained hard so the drivers seat got soaked. Thankfully, I had a thick towel on hand so I placed it on top of the wet part so I could sit on it. I still got a bit wet though.

Next, I went to the bank and realized I did not have an ID with me, so I couldn’t encash my check.

Third, I couldn’t find the storybook I wanted to use for class because no matter what we do, our library is a mess! The books seem to get swallowed up by the shelves because I can never find them!!! I think we should install a better organization system for it, such as setting up a library database with an ls2208 scanner that will allow us to keep track of the books.

Fourth, my colleagues and I decided to go have an early dinner and I convinced them to give in to my chicken cravings and head to KFC at the University Mall. While heading there, it began to drizzle…and we didn’t have umbrellas on hand! Yet we still braved the rain only to find out the mall had closed a few days ago for renovations. ARGH!

Lastly, the majorly horrible brain-draining, emotionally challenging traffic heading home capped off my day.

What a series of unfortunate events, right?

Bookmark It

Driving home last night was a sheer nightmare. The drive that usually takes me 27 minutes stretched to over two and a half hours! It’s crazy I tell ya!

I’m generally used to the fact that driving down south is often slow but tonight was exceptionally difficult. I don’t think it wad solely the construction of the Skyway causing the problem. Adding to it was the fact it rained plus there were a bunch of idiots who tried to counterflow in the service who blocked the road therefore affecting even the main thoroughfare.

If only sitting in traffic was an effective fat burner, I wouldn’t mind sitting here. However, the only thing traffic reduces is my mental capacity. Go figure.

Bookmark It

The hot and sticky weather is taking it’s toll on me and even though I’m on my long-awaited two week vacation (no-pay vacation sadly!), I can’t get out of the rotten mood I find myself in. I guess waking up all sweaty can really take it’s toll on you, huh?

However, one thing that helps me get in a better mood is checking my blog’s dashboard and seeing a whole bunch of comments and entries for my blog anniversary contest. I want to take time out to say THANK YOU to my avid contestants!!! It’s shaping up to be quite a battle here I wish I could give you all prizes simply for joining!!! I hope you find your daily visits and entries worth the while.

Another thing that helps me battle my bad moods is the beach. I’m lucky that I have had a few trips down to Batangas lately and it has done a lot to help soothe my soul. I’m glad too that I will be going to the beach again, this time with Bubba, on Thursday!!!

Besides the hot weather, I think the kinds of food I eat and the lifestyle I’m keeping now is adding to the bad mood. That plus hormones!!! I think I have to add more omega-3 rich foods (which supposedly help stabilize moods) or take some supplements like the evening primrose oil or St. John’s wort I used to take as this helps balance out hormones too. Other pills such as phentermine can also help with mood swings (plus it helps with weight loss!. However, I personally try to stay clear of popping all sorts of supplements, whether herbal or not. Exercising is also supposed to be quite helpful in battling bad moods, but it’s too hot to do so!!!

In any case, I’m glad I have my blog to keep me happy for now

Bookmark It

Today is tapping into my inner insecurities….and the pressure is mounting. For one, I have that psych bill thingy to worry about. While I may have some time time to figure things out, I can’t help but be on edge about where I am and what my future will be. Not only do I feel stuck in a rut when it comes to my graduate studies, but I also feel the same way when it comes to my present life status….all my friends have moved on from getting married to having kids and I’m still where I’ve been all this time. Yup, stuck.

I guess the green eyed monster is paying me a visit today, and I sure don’t like it. It takes away from me all the good stuff, like my progress in blogging and my blossoming writing career. Looking at my Facebook friends, for example, eggs on that monster and while I am deeply, honestly happy for them, there is a pang of “what about me” that happens. Geesh, toddler much??? Is this normal??? Wait…I’m supposed to know that, right? hehe. Rant for the day done.

Photo: “Another green eyed monster is born.” by Jennifer Hogan, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

Bookmark It