i am woman, hear me rawr!

"It has been said, "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." — Rose Kennedy

I have come to the conclusion (or perhaps I should say to the agreement with what Rose Kennedy said about it)  that many times, old wounds never do heal. Yes, they do get better. Yes, the pain subsides. Yes, you do get over it. But despite these all, the scars of those wound remain and no matter how much time has passed, the damage is always going to be there. The thing is, even as you try to heal it or to fix what had been broken, it never completely is the same anymore.

Let me put it this way: There’s this street corner I pass on my way to work that, despite how many years have passed, still cause me so much fear and anxiety. Read the rest of this entry »

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Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A few months back, when my soul was weary and troubled, I went back to something I knew would quiet the voices in my head and give my heart the rest it sorely needed: my art.

Back then I clung on tightly to the bright sunshine that always brought me comfort, hence the beginnings of my Project Sunshine. Then, I felt the urgent need to create my own sunshine and hold tightly to lifelines thrown my way, sometimes a wee bit too much.

In the past few months, however, I have grown stronger and better, made so by necessary pains and conversations with my soul where I got to know myself better and explore other sides of me that I never once allowed to exist. Coupled with my yoga practice, where I have allowed myself to create spaces in my mind, body and soul, I have begun to learn what balance really means, how to have faith and to trust, and how love really works. I have likewise welcomed the darkness back to my life, knowing full well that in that in the dark, cold silence of night time I can thrive, too, albeit differently than I do under the warm golden sunshine, but that both are essential for the fullness of my soul.

Yes, I have learned to stop chasing rainbows and to let things go and let them be as I am learning to sit and wait in patience, just believing in myself, in people around me and in fate, love and in the certainty that though they may not be in sight, they do indeed exist.

And now I have returned to the heart of my art, no longer in troubled waters, but in still ones, now honoring the polar opposites that exist in my life, the yin and the yang so I’ve been told…and so side by side my Project Sunshine now comes the beginnings of my Night Sky And so tonight I whisper a little wish up into the night sky, and think of it with light an love, then dropping it knowing that in time, when it is right, I will be able to connect the dots and see how all the twists and turns, stops and starts and everything else make complete and perfect sense.

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“Just as light brightens darkness, discovering inner fulfillment can eliminate any disorder or discomfort. This is truly the key to creating balance and harmony in everything you do.” - Deepak Chopra

I have fallen in love. Yes, I have fallen truly, madly, so deeply in ♥ with Yin Yoga.

I never would have imagined feeling this way, after all, I have loved other exercises and whatnot in the past, such as hula hooping, but this one feels so different. I think it’s more than the movement and process I have fallen for, but the meanings and metaphors that it conjures up for me. Although yes, the breathing, the emptying of thoughts and just being with the moment are equally wonderful, it is perhaps the timing of all this falling into place that means so much to me.

Let me backtrack a little bit before I continue. I have wanted to try out yoga for the longest time, perhaps since way back in 2007 during that dark night of my soul. However, when things started to clear and I felt no more need to be in the quiet to converse with my soul, and because I thought I had found the answers and defined happiness for me, I let it go. After all, I always said, I barely have enough time to juggle my many jobs, right? Why add on something else that will consume my time “unnecessarily”. Also, while people may still laugh at me when I say this, I still struggle with having to extend myself socially, so calling and inquiring about classes, going to these studios or shalas, was gonna be a stretch right? So….there. I didn’t. Read the rest of this entry »

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“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” - Deepak Chopra

There’s a saying that goes, shallow brooks are noisy. I never really appreciated that saying until lately. For the most part, I have never been one to be comfortable in silence. What’s funny, however, is that while I may appear highly extroverted and exuberant all the time, deep down inside I am a very quiet and shy person who actually likes to be in the silence and quiet.

However, in as much as I love the quiet, I fear it just as much, maybe because in the silence there’s so much more said and that there are no distractions to keep you away from introspection. When I’m with others, I feel this urge to fill the space with noise because I fear what they might be thinking about me if there was no interaction between us.

Yes, that is one of the many polar opposites about me.

Lately, however, I have been discovering the joy and beauty of silence and solitude. I used to think that it was very lonely and painful being in silence, but now I find that it is actually a pleasurable thing. Before, in times that needed silence, I always made it a point to be extra busy or to go out of my way to avoid it, but now, I may resist a bit in the beginning, but the struggle is not so great anymore. I was just telling my friends from work the other day over lunch that lately, I really just want to be in the quiet bubble of my room…no TV, no music, just me in my bed and the silence.

Of course at times it can get very uncomfortable, especially when things are not going too well, but for the most part…bliss

When I was first told by my wise sage to welcome sadness (or periods of difficulty for that matter) and sit in silence with it, I couldn’t get it. I struggled quite a bit with her and with it, but now that I have grown leaps and bounds, when I find myself in moments of pain and sadness, I have learned to sit with it and listen to what it is telling me. And because of that, I have learned so much.

In the same manner, when I am with friends, I can now just sit and be quiet. My friend, who I go out with quite a lot lately, called this comfortable silence. I chalked up our comfortable silence to the fact that we had been friends for almost 14 years now, but I realized just lately, it is not just with her I have started appreciating comfortable silence with. I guess  it’s part of growing up and growing together in relationships that allow this, right? For whatever it’s worth, not talking about too many things, but just focusing on what is important, has been such a great blessing to me.

And so tonight I have finally appreciated what the cliché shallow brooks are noisy means….its when you take in too much from the outside so as to distract you from what is important, it’s flailing around too much acting like you know things, and it’s filling up space with the non-essentials, and when you do, you miss out on so much.  And more so, the “noisier” I am, be it externally or internally, the more I stay on shallow waters, trying to ignore the deeper meaning and value of the moments I am living. Like they say, still waters run deep right? So being still, listening, and just breathing, like I’ve been writing about since October, lets me go to the innermost core of myself and just be where I am suppose to be and in that silent solitude, the answers to the questions that weigh me down and the burdens that threaten to swallow me whole all of a sudden become so miniscule and insignificant, and in return, I become a better me

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The noblest thing a human being can experience is acceptance of the mystery. - Paulo Coelho

I had set off for 2011 with a lot of positive hopes and aspirations. After all, 2010 ended on a good note, despite it being somewhat of a rocky start. However, barely two weeks in to the new year, I got “toinked” (err…toinked meaning stumbling on something unexpected or slipping down a path I wouldn’t normally wish on anyone) really badly. So much so that it threw me off for a good week. Literally.

I hate how these things happen. Being the type of person I am, I thrive on certainty…on routine…regularity. Things that are random and unexpected throw me in a loop and make it so difficult for m. As I’ve said so many times in the past, change was (and often times still is) never really something I dealt with easily. I like structure…I like knowing…I like being sure.

However every time I think I’ve gotten things down pat, some force comes and toinks me. Read the rest of this entry »

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In one of my other blogs, I once wrote a post about how Bubba has been my teacher of life’s most important lessons. Today, I am reminded of it. I’ve been struggling these past few days with so many overwhelming tasks and things to do which have left me overtired and stressed beyond imagination. Add to that the fact that I am missing people and things around me a little too much. One of the few things that have kept me afloat is Bubba and for that, I’m truly grateful. He is truly a bright ray of sunshine no matter how dismal my day may be.

I really have learned so much from him, as I stated in my post before, but today I am reminded of this note from my Facebook page that I was tagged in by my friends at Project Lightning Kennel

A dog teaches us a lot of things, but we never seem to take notice.

These are some of the lessons you might learn… Read the rest of this entry »

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A few months before Teacher Alice, our school directress who was more like a mother to us than anything, passed away, she took me and my co-teachers to the warehouse of Booksale. We went crazy picking books. I fell in love with one of those Hallmark-like inspirational book with lots of nice illustrations. It was a bit on the high end, price wise, so I decided to forgo it. Little did I know that when we’d get back to school, she would give it to me

One of my favorite pages in the book is this one, mainly because it speaks of one of the things I love most: the sunshine.

In many ways, the quote really describes who I am, at least in the way I interact with others. While I may not be a bright-eyed optimist when it comes to myself, I definitely am a bright, sunshiney person for others.   Perhaps this is why people refuse to believe that I am a shy and introverted (yes, and deeply dark) person.  I guess this is partly due to my job as a preschool teacher where I have to really be super happy and pleasant all the time. Also, one thing I do a lot of, both consciously and unconsciously, is bring some sunshine to people who may need it. As my friend T always says, for some reason whenever she is iffy about things, talking to me brightens and cheers her up (and seriously, I don’t know what it is I say but… ) and that despite my resistance to take on the task, I would make a good therapist  (um….menolikey!!!). That’s why every now and then she rides home with me from work, even though it’s kinda more hassle for her since she still has to take a jeepney ride from where I drop her off, as compared to a bus ride that goes all the way straight. And like the quote says, the more I am able to share my sunshine, the more I am able to see it for myself. Being able to share my sunshine really means a lot to me. Inwhatever way I am able to do this, on purpose or not, allows me to also feel bright and shiny myself . It makes me feel so fulfilled and content, and that I am living up to what exactly I am here for. I suppose this is also why I make it a point to honor and acknowledge my feelings, both good and bad, because it allows me to tap into that sunshine, even if for myself only and in the same way, this is why blogging and writing means so very much to me. This is why whenever I feel troubled or low, I get even more agitated when I am unable to write because in many ways, writing is my sunshine. Read the rest of this entry »

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*sigh*

one on hand, it's the most wonderful time of the year.....on the other, bah-humbug!

I’m going to go all Scrooge-y for a moment and take a moments pause from all the overwhelmingly inspirational posts I’ve been sharing lately to acknowledge a wee bit of not-so-happiness I am feeling right about now. Today I spent roughly four hours in my car sitting stuck in traffic. It seemed that there was no escape from it, no matter where I went. One thought that popped into my head (well, one of the so, so, so many thoughts that popped in!) was this:

Yes…it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Christmas traffic that is…

Notice how every time we cross the mid-October threshold traffic increases like ten-fold??? It didn’t help much that today was also the start of a long weekend, plus it’s been raining like crazy so traffic was virtually at a standstill for so long. Oh, and of course, let’s not forget that since it’s the weekend, sales and bazaars were aplenty again today. I was amazed that not only store windows are lined with Christmas-y stuff like trimmings and ProFlowers Christmas decorations, even a street vendor I came across today carried those little plastic Christmas trees.

Well…like I said, I’m a bit Scrooge-y when it comes to Christmas, so all that was kinda challenging for me.

This is the one holiday, well the whole season all the way till New Years to be exact, that always manages to tap into a somewhat sad part of me. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not that I don’t see and find pleasure in the festivities of the season, because I still do. It’s just that the Christmas season brings back a lot of memories of people and things now gone that I miss to bits. Sometimes, I miss it so much I feel my heart breaking over and over again. It is the one time in the year that I miss these people and things the most. During the rest of the year, I do think of them, and smile fondly when I do, but during the holidays, it becomes a tugging ache in my heart.

This song says it all for me:

I guess the best word for how I feel about the holidays is bittersweet. On one hand, it reminds me of how blessed I am and how many wonderful things there are for me to be grateful for, but on the other, it also reminds me of what I don’t have and still long for. Okay, okay, I do recognize that that whole statement is kinda…self-indulgent and melodramatic, but isn’t that what emotions are after all? Seriously though, what I do like about the holidays is how it brings people together and fosters the happy spirit of giving (not necessarily material things but giving of one’s self). It is also a time when you really can appreciate the wonder of friendship, the joy of love, and the enduring strength of family. There is so much togetherness that is fostered in the holidays and to some degree, I do like that. However, because I am more of the introverted type of person (as unbelievable as that may seem), I thrive in just being by myself and with a select few. So all the togetherness and joy the holidays bring tend to take it’s toll on me. Again, it’s not that I don’t like it…I just can’t deal with too much of it. I guess in many ways, I feel overwhelmed by all the movement and energy, as well as the colors and the noise that the holidays bring.

See, told you it’s bittersweet.

Scrooge mode still on. At least for the moment.

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