i am woman, hear me rawr!

...if all the sun beams were bubble gum and ice cream, oh what a sun that will be...

People say happiness is a choice. I beg to disagree.

For me, I’d like to think it is a process and not just something you chose to do. It is something that is worked at, very hard, continuously and with conscious effort. It’s something you don’t take for granted or assume, just because you choose it. More than choosing happiness, I think it is about creating your own happiness, and part and parcel of that creation is acknowledging and honoring the sadness that may come along, recognizing its inherent value in the building of your soul. Sure, making a decision comes with the package, but it doesn’t end with just choosing to be happy. It comes with creating what makes you happy and reframing the way things happen around you.

Take this, for example.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate the rain. For me, the rain brings back bits and pieces of bad memories from really traumatic events that have greatly impacted my life. For me, the rain represents so many negative emotions like fear, dread, impending doom. At times, even death. The slightest hint of rain, from gray skies to the rumbling of thunder, always manages to tap into that. And while it may perhaps be a psychosomatic response to the rainy weather, whenever dark skies come and raindrops fall almost endlessly, I always seem to find myself physically debilitated and no amount of antibiotics or any medication would completely make me better. It is as if my physically body is commiserating with my soul, which slowly withers to the point of being at the brink of ‘death’. Read the rest of this entry »

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"The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases" - Carl Jung .

I have this pair of  stilettos that i ABSOLUTELY love.

Yes, absolutely in all caps.

Admittedly, the first time I saw it in the store, it only caught my eye but it didn’t really call out to me the way other things (whether this be shoes, a dress or what not) have called out to me in the past. I tried it on, it looked good. It felt…okay…it was kinda comfortable…it was pretty…but it didn’t have that customary “buy me, buy me” feeling that usually rules my impulsive purchases. So I carefully put them back on the display shelf and said if the feeling of wanting it was still there in a couple of days and if it was still available, then it was meant for me.

To make a long story short, the feeling stayed. And so a couple of days later, I headed back to the mall and tried it on again. When I did, I realized it wasn’t as comfortable as I had first thought it was even though it didn’t really “hurt” like other shoes. There was a bit of an awkward fit to it, but I still decided that I wanted it. After all, I reasoned to myself, like all nice shoes, you gotta break them in for a bit before it really fits right.

Although my heart loves those shoes, my feet, on the other hand, don’t. They get along for about three to four hours, but any more than that causes them so much pain. Once, I had to wear it for about 7 hours straight and it took my feet about two days to completely recover. Yup, that’s how much they had hurt!!! Read the rest of this entry »

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"This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down."

A few years ago, my sister and I had a great, big fight. One so big that despite the saying time heals all wounds, there is still that little hurt that never has healed. In the past few weeks, we have been chatting online and while things will really never be the same between us anymore, I think (or at least I speak from my point of view) there’s a new dynamic that was born out of that falling out we had.

To be honest, I’ve never really been the type to do the whole silent treatment bit. I never was very good at it. She, on the other hand, has mastered the fine art of the cold shoulder. When she was still here in the Philippines, she had no choice but to deal with my yapping away and working out our issues until we find a resolution to the problem. And yes, I would never let it go at “sige na, I was wrong. Forget it na, tapos na, okay?”. I would always dig deeper for an answer and work very hard at finding out what I did wrong so I never do it again. I guess that’s really just the way I deal with things: I never like uncertainty, I feel lost in things I don’t know and I have difficulty letting go. But once I know, no matter how painful or hurtful it may be, I find my way to peace. Uh-huh…like I always say jokingly (but do know deep down inside mean, even just a little bit) I am a girl with abandonment issues, so when she would pretend I didn’t exist, that was what cut the deepest.

However, since she is away, there was no way for me to force the issue anymore and after that fight we had, I offered my apologies but never heard back from her. So from there, I did learn to ignore her. I held on tightly to that hurt that she gave me until it killed whatever good existed between us. And for the longest time, I was okay with that. At least on the outside. Read the rest of this entry »

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Lately I’ve been struggling to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve been plagued (okay, to be fair at times blessed, because they’re good) with a whole lot of dreams that have yet to fully make sense to me.

I have always been a big believer of dreams. Signs, not so much, but dreams, yes (although I have changed my mind about the whole sign thing already!)  However, while I have always believed in the powerful messages dreams bring, I often try to push them away because they tend to open that proverbial Pandora’s box. I guess that’s also why during hypnotherapy class (and other exercises that involved a whole lot of guided imagery exercises) I always fought hard to repel it. The thing is, just when I feel like I am in control of things and the world around me makes sense, I begin to dream. Yes, lots of weird, strange dreams that tap into inner insecurities and fears that, at times, are just so hard to understand at the moment. What’s  annoying about this whole dreaming thing, however, is that when I need them, or when I actually ask for them, they don’t come! Before they started to come, I had asked for them. But things got clearer. I found myself being more content and happy, which like I said in my other blog, has been my little secret…yes, happiness and contentment are the  best diet pills as far as I’m concerned! And so I was at this place, I had no more questions for my dreams to answer.

Then they started coming. Now I kinda find myself wishing for the sleepless nights I used to have where I’d wake up like clockwork every hour but be somewhat more rested than the day before. Now, although sleep stretches a little bit longer, I am less rested. Grrrr.

Tonight, however, as I browsed through my old Friendster blog (okay, okay, even I have to smile at the fact I started blogging at friendster) I came across an old post that came out of a period of elusive sleep and discontent. Maybe this is the answer….

...in me lies the mind of a realist, the heart of a dreamer and the soul of a believer...

The Contender
Saturday, May 28th, 2005

As sleep remains elusive and the clock ticks by, thoughts of who or what or why consume me. No matter how much I try to turn it off, I can’t. It’s like an annoying commentary that goes on in my head. Sometimes it even begins to sound like a debate.

Then it hits me: yeah, it is a debate. Once more the mind of the realist and the heart of a dreamer are arguing and fighting to claim dominance. No matter how much my head tells me I’m okay, my heart says otherwise. Put it this way: in therapy, I have the answers to other people’s questions; for my kids, I’m Teacher Ria, their goddess equivalent; in class I’m Miss Ria, the kikay fast-talking prof; as a student, I was at the top of my class, but not a nerd…in short, the mind in me had everything down-pat. Then the dreamer emerges…and everything hits the fan. You know how the song goes… “my head says go and find the door, my heart says I found you….”….With that, all control is gone.

However no matter how bad things have gotten, or how defeated I begin to feel in this emotional joust, something in me keeps pushing me through. Through this battle, a believer is born. Although the believer knows it will survive, sometimes doubt, fear, pain and disappointment overrun it. And it’s hard to fight a losing battle. Especially if it’s fighting an invisible foe. Worse still, if it’s fighting itself.

Perhaps a harder part of the battle is knowing that it cannot continue the fight alone. It needs to go to its corner between rounds, and perhaps ask the cut-man to tape up a bloody eyebrow. Maybe the medic needs to rub down the swelling and wipe away the sweat. What makes it hard is asking for the help to continue the fight. And harder still, is when you ask for help in your corner, and you don’t get it.

Like a fallen contender backed into a corner, battered and beaten, all it can do is wait for the bell to ring and the next round to begin. This time, who knows, it might just land the right punch. So though the clashing and struggle continue, hope is not all lost. Much like the right punch combination, it’s just a matter of timing.

And no matter how much the realist and the dreamer debate or fight, ultimately it is the believer that survives… and yes, I am a survivor.

I’d like to think that this is one of those little signs that are here to deliver big messages….I haven’t really completely browsed my old blog, so I randomly clicked on a month and this was there.

I think it resonates a lot with something I was telling a friend of mine the other day after a random, unexpected bursting of tears…that maybe my dreams are telling me to make my way to believing again in the reconciliation of the dreamer and the realist. To find the middle ground. It is telling me to drop my defenses and just admit tiredness every once in a while, which never will be a sign of weakness. In the same manner, it tells me to keep at it as long as I can, despite the stumbling and falling I take along the way. It is also a reminder, I suppose, that I can only do so much…and while I may hurt the other along the way (or others who are at my corner for that matter), it’s bound to get better somehow. And while win or lose, each side will make it through one way or the other and that those on either side cheering them on in support will still be there despite the blows and hurts thrown their way.

In the end, I’d like to thing that these signs are reminders that being a dreamer, while holding on to the very abstract and random, at times is what is right. In the same way, working from the side of reality alone is not always enough. It’s the art of balancing things, after all, that makes life what it truly is: an unexpected battle. However, unlike a fight where only one can win, in life both sides can win.

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...you are exactly where you are supposed to be... from the prayer of St. Threse

Three years ago today I started on the most difficult, yet most soulful, two weeks of my life ever. It was at this time that I was in the deepest and darkest moments of my life. There I was, in the throes of a major depression, trying to keep my head above water and tread to safety, lost beyond imagination.

On this day in that not too distant past, I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. Correction: I was made to do the hardest thing I would ever have to do: face my darkness head-on.

I wasn’t there to confront it, I was told, nor was I there to fight it. I was there to get to know it and make amends with it so we can co-exist in a delicate balance of darkness and light.

Um…hello???

I fought as hard as I could so as not to go there. How, in all honesty, could I allow myself to go there, especially since going there meant letting go completely of all sense of comfort and familiarity? Sure, I was in so, so much pain and misery at that time, so much so that every night as I poured myself a drink so I could fall asleep I would pray fervently that I didn’t have to wake up again the next day. But that was familiar. That much I knew. And the hurt would go away anyway, as long as I stuffed myself with cookie after cookie, cupcake after cupcake and so on. Plus I had my distractions…I’d spend countless hours downloading songs from Grey’s Anatomy then one by one, arrange them and label them per episode. I virtually camped out at Seattle Grace during that year and from there, I was able to make an alternate reality for me. It was such a great façade, in fact, that no one knew how deeply depressed I was…no one saw the bottles of tequila hidden in my closet nor knew I would take a Nyquil or two, or three at times, just to get a few hours of restless sleep. No one knew how dead and empty I felt on the inside. Read the rest of this entry »

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...let go of hurt or anger or sadness, for like grains of sand it just takes up space and gets you nowhere ...

One time over dinner, a friend of mine and I got into a little spat because she said something that hurt me deeply. The following day, I sent her a text message and told her how her cutting remarks made me feel. She replied that she was sorry that I felt that way, but that all she had done was respond to what I had said earlier on (what these were I don’t really remember anymore, but bottom line, it turns out that I had kind of set myself up for the whole thing). She went on to tell me that maybe I was not aware of it, but that I had a penchant for self-sabotage. She ended with, and Ri, you seem to thrive a lot on drama. It’s as if you actively, although unintentionally, seek to get hurt and disappointed by the people around you. What you don’t realize, however, is that you set up the stage for this to happen…you invite it and when it comes, you cling to it and don’t let go. And you know what the sad part about this is, Ri? It’s that one, you don’t realize it, and two, you tend to create this all in your head and catastrophize it so much so it consumes you almost completely.

Um…hello? Are you kidding me??? I never really saw myself as that and tell me, please, who enjoys getting hurt in the first place? And hello…I make it all up???

Yes, those were the thoughts going on in my head as she told me that and I cried my little itty bitty heart out. By the end of our conversation, however, I did come to the realization that yes, maybe most of my bitter disappointments in people around me and why I keep failing at relationships (be it in any way, shape or form) were mostly my doing. Read the rest of this entry »

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One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished...Stop being who you were, and change into who you are. - Paulo Coehlo

In the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (and feeling, I suppose) about the direction of my life and the decisions I’ve been making that have led me to where I am. What dawned on me was that it always has been the little things that happen in my life that really cause the greatest impact. Why do I call them little things? Well, for one, these are the things often unplanned.

I think for most of us — well, scratch that, I’ll speak for myself — I think for me I’ve always been the type who wants everything planned out and clear before I make a choice. However, every now and then, life throws me a curve ball and reminds me that no matter how much I plan things, there are many, many other variables that I have no way of controlling. Often times, they come as little things: such as not getting something I was expecting, a promotion falling through, a gut feel of discontent, small displeasure that grows, mediocre performance that is unlike my usual…

It’s not that these are bad things, but for someone like me, it can indeed cause me to feel like I’m on shifting sands.

Come to think of it (whoops…did I just use the word think again? Told ya I’ve been thinking a lot these past weeks!), I suppose in many ways facing change is really like being on shifting sands, right? More so, when I pause a bit, I realize that the shifting of these sands never, or at least very rarely, happen in an instant. It’s all the little things that affect it:  a digging from one end of the beach, a shift in tides, the phases of the moon….

So today I take the time to recognize all the little things that have greatly impacted my life, both good and bad and remember that despite the uncertainty, discomfort, and lack of clarity they may have caused me at one point or another, they have all been essential to leading me to where I am today. Read the rest of this entry »

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a million little pieces of me, each part and parcel of the whole i am meant to be

As is customary in any long meeting I have to sit through, I found myself flitting in and out of conscious awareness this evening as my colleagues and I discussed issues and concerns arising in our work. In between these moments, I’d find my mind wandering to and fro the present, the past and everywhere in between. Suddenly, however, a colleague of mine said something that that snapped me back to conscious thought: these were but necessary pains.

Those words struck a chord loud and clear in me and shook me out of my inattention for a bit as it got me to thinking about conversations (either with myself or with the special few who get to see me beyond my masks) and moments not too long ago when I had struggled to make amends with my own times of discontent and little moments of regret. I remembered those times that I felt caught in a riptide, set adrift in a current of uncertainty and fear. For a brief moment, I felt myself taken back to days of my childhood where I would bear burdens that were not mine to begin with, teetering back and forth, feeling overwhelmed by a world much bigger than myself.

I thought back too, to my dark starless nights when all I wished for was to never wake up again, at least not in the world that I was living in.  And yes, much as I tried to ignore it, I thought about he-who-broke-my-heart-into-a-million-itty-bitty-pieces-and-left-me-broken-and-damaged.

Necessary Pains.

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