i am woman, hear me rawr!

On the way home, I found myself wallowing (yes, melodramatic much) in that old familiar pit of self-pity and sadness. On one hand, I do know these are but necessary pains that serve some sort of purpose in my life, even though it can be so damned hard to see at the moment in which it happens. On the other, I truly hate how it takes away my bright sunshine and leaves me caught in the midst of darkness.

As is customary when I find myself caught in the midst of internal chaos, I found myself holding my breath in discomfort, fighting back tears that cognitively, I knew were illogical. But as always, emotions got the better of me. So I did what I always do when I feel overwhelmed by emotions: I began to write and acknowledge those thoughts and feelings that were around.

photo by Iris Acosta

Every once in a while, just like tonight,  I find myself wishing for a myriad of things, many of them contradicting each other, often times these are irrational and in my head, I know they are illogical, but they’re there but bottom line, they all stemmed from one thing: that I was just so tired of  feeling like I give too much of myself…to people who don’t matter, to my work,  to tasks or things around me that demand too much of my time and energy….and what I was getting in return was either not what I expected, or enough to reciprocate what I had spent, especially on those who don’t deserve it in the first place.

And so in the secret recesses of my heart, I had wished…

…thatI lived in a bubble where I had nothing to care about, or care for for that matter. In that bubble, albeit alone, I would know no loneliness because I wouldn’t know any better….

…On the other hand, I wished that if I wasn’t in that bubble, I had someone to watch over me and to take my hand and walk with me so I didn’t have to go through life’s journey all alone, even though I can do it myself…

…that I didnt care so much and that it didnt hurt so much to actually care because I really do…

…that I had someone to wake up next to, whether I wake up to bright golden sunshiny days or dark gloomy ones…

…better yet, I wished I didn’t have to wake up to another day that was bound to be the same….

…that I didnt feel so lonely way too often, because in the depths of my heart, I do know I am not alone and that yes, people actually do care about me even if I have difficulty believing that…

But at the end, as I held back bitter tears, I wished most that I didn’t wish for any of those at all.

When I finally  made it home, I was greeted by a welcome sight: my Bubba running to meet me, tail wagging like mad, reminding me that there is so much I keep missing out on whenever I get stuck in that little rut that I keep falling in to. Before I got home, I was feeling very tired and I had thought to myself, how can I manage to walk Bubba if I feel this way? However, seeing him I was reminded that if I keep wasting my energy worrying about, caring for and reacting to things that are unnecessary and pointless, I will have nothing left not just for myself, but for the people and things that truly matter. While I would wholeheartedly go out on a limb for those who are worth it, I had to remind myself (or should I say I had to be reminded ) that not everyone deserved what I was giving them. And just because I don’t give equally of myself to all, or perhaps give any to some, this doesn’t make me selfish or mean or insensitive. It just makes me better for myself and for those that really count.

And so I took a time out to be still and to listen to my soul. And of course, to breathe through it all.  I turned off my phone, stayed offline, walked with Bubba, hooped a bit, and worked on Project Sunshine. When I was feeling a bit more settled, I went online met up with the Sheriff, and found a couple of  pleasant surprises in the form of random messages and comments or affirmations that I was not expecting. Yes, I found little reminders that somewhere out there, even without me knowing it, even without me asking for it, and even without me having to create it for myself, there are people out there sending me bright bits of sunshine.  All I have to do is to spread my arms out wide, receive it and believe it’s there.

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Lately I’ve been struggling to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve been plagued (okay, to be fair at times blessed, because they’re good) with a whole lot of dreams that have yet to fully make sense to me.

I have always been a big believer of dreams. Signs, not so much, but dreams, yes (although I have changed my mind about the whole sign thing already!)  However, while I have always believed in the powerful messages dreams bring, I often try to push them away because they tend to open that proverbial Pandora’s box. I guess that’s also why during hypnotherapy class (and other exercises that involved a whole lot of guided imagery exercises) I always fought hard to repel it. The thing is, just when I feel like I am in control of things and the world around me makes sense, I begin to dream. Yes, lots of weird, strange dreams that tap into inner insecurities and fears that, at times, are just so hard to understand at the moment. What’s  annoying about this whole dreaming thing, however, is that when I need them, or when I actually ask for them, they don’t come! Before they started to come, I had asked for them. But things got clearer. I found myself being more content and happy, which like I said in my other blog, has been my little secret…yes, happiness and contentment are the  best diet pills as far as I’m concerned! And so I was at this place, I had no more questions for my dreams to answer.

Then they started coming. Now I kinda find myself wishing for the sleepless nights I used to have where I’d wake up like clockwork every hour but be somewhat more rested than the day before. Now, although sleep stretches a little bit longer, I am less rested. Grrrr.

Tonight, however, as I browsed through my old Friendster blog (okay, okay, even I have to smile at the fact I started blogging at friendster) I came across an old post that came out of a period of elusive sleep and discontent. Maybe this is the answer….

...in me lies the mind of a realist, the heart of a dreamer and the soul of a believer...

The Contender
Saturday, May 28th, 2005

As sleep remains elusive and the clock ticks by, thoughts of who or what or why consume me. No matter how much I try to turn it off, I can’t. It’s like an annoying commentary that goes on in my head. Sometimes it even begins to sound like a debate.

Then it hits me: yeah, it is a debate. Once more the mind of the realist and the heart of a dreamer are arguing and fighting to claim dominance. No matter how much my head tells me I’m okay, my heart says otherwise. Put it this way: in therapy, I have the answers to other people’s questions; for my kids, I’m Teacher Ria, their goddess equivalent; in class I’m Miss Ria, the kikay fast-talking prof; as a student, I was at the top of my class, but not a nerd…in short, the mind in me had everything down-pat. Then the dreamer emerges…and everything hits the fan. You know how the song goes… “my head says go and find the door, my heart says I found you….”….With that, all control is gone.

However no matter how bad things have gotten, or how defeated I begin to feel in this emotional joust, something in me keeps pushing me through. Through this battle, a believer is born. Although the believer knows it will survive, sometimes doubt, fear, pain and disappointment overrun it. And it’s hard to fight a losing battle. Especially if it’s fighting an invisible foe. Worse still, if it’s fighting itself.

Perhaps a harder part of the battle is knowing that it cannot continue the fight alone. It needs to go to its corner between rounds, and perhaps ask the cut-man to tape up a bloody eyebrow. Maybe the medic needs to rub down the swelling and wipe away the sweat. What makes it hard is asking for the help to continue the fight. And harder still, is when you ask for help in your corner, and you don’t get it.

Like a fallen contender backed into a corner, battered and beaten, all it can do is wait for the bell to ring and the next round to begin. This time, who knows, it might just land the right punch. So though the clashing and struggle continue, hope is not all lost. Much like the right punch combination, it’s just a matter of timing.

And no matter how much the realist and the dreamer debate or fight, ultimately it is the believer that survives… and yes, I am a survivor.

I’d like to think that this is one of those little signs that are here to deliver big messages….I haven’t really completely browsed my old blog, so I randomly clicked on a month and this was there.

I think it resonates a lot with something I was telling a friend of mine the other day after a random, unexpected bursting of tears…that maybe my dreams are telling me to make my way to believing again in the reconciliation of the dreamer and the realist. To find the middle ground. It is telling me to drop my defenses and just admit tiredness every once in a while, which never will be a sign of weakness. In the same manner, it tells me to keep at it as long as I can, despite the stumbling and falling I take along the way. It is also a reminder, I suppose, that I can only do so much…and while I may hurt the other along the way (or others who are at my corner for that matter), it’s bound to get better somehow. And while win or lose, each side will make it through one way or the other and that those on either side cheering them on in support will still be there despite the blows and hurts thrown their way.

In the end, I’d like to thing that these signs are reminders that being a dreamer, while holding on to the very abstract and random, at times is what is right. In the same way, working from the side of reality alone is not always enough. It’s the art of balancing things, after all, that makes life what it truly is: an unexpected battle. However, unlike a fight where only one can win, in life both sides can win.

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...you are exactly where you are supposed to be... from the prayer of St. Threse

Three years ago today I started on the most difficult, yet most soulful, two weeks of my life ever. It was at this time that I was in the deepest and darkest moments of my life. There I was, in the throes of a major depression, trying to keep my head above water and tread to safety, lost beyond imagination.

On this day in that not too distant past, I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. Correction: I was made to do the hardest thing I would ever have to do: face my darkness head-on.

I wasn’t there to confront it, I was told, nor was I there to fight it. I was there to get to know it and make amends with it so we can co-exist in a delicate balance of darkness and light.

Um…hello???

I fought as hard as I could so as not to go there. How, in all honesty, could I allow myself to go there, especially since going there meant letting go completely of all sense of comfort and familiarity? Sure, I was in so, so much pain and misery at that time, so much so that every night as I poured myself a drink so I could fall asleep I would pray fervently that I didn’t have to wake up again the next day. But that was familiar. That much I knew. And the hurt would go away anyway, as long as I stuffed myself with cookie after cookie, cupcake after cupcake and so on. Plus I had my distractions…I’d spend countless hours downloading songs from Grey’s Anatomy then one by one, arrange them and label them per episode. I virtually camped out at Seattle Grace during that year and from there, I was able to make an alternate reality for me. It was such a great façade, in fact, that no one knew how deeply depressed I was…no one saw the bottles of tequila hidden in my closet nor knew I would take a Nyquil or two, or three at times, just to get a few hours of restless sleep. No one knew how dead and empty I felt on the inside. Read the rest of this entry »

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Eat Pray Love. Photo courtesy of Columbia Pictures

In a recent post, I wrote about how Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert has been one of the most pivotal and life changing stories I had read in the last few years. While some may say the story is a little self-indulgent, I feel that the story speaks volumes to me, in many different levels and ways. When I read (or should I say re-read) it when I am on a low point, it picks me up. On better days, it makes me reflect on what I have, and on really good days, it allows me to appreciate myself and the world around me. Whatever the message is, however, it always, always seems to come at the perfect time.

And as always, last night was no exception. I was finally able to catch the film adaptation of the story, which starred Julia Roberts and I walked away from the theater sighing a happy sigh.

I truly enjoyed the film, although admittedly, like most book-to-movie films, there were bits and pieces in the book that I would have wished to see but didn’t. In the same way, there were elements that were portrayed differently from the way I imagined it when reading. Nonetheless, I loved it. Not only do I love the story to begin with, I also love any film Julia Roberts, so that was surely an added bonus. I loved how real her performance was, and how I could really feel and become engaged with the character. It’s funny, though…while watching it I would catch myself seeing myself in many, many situations and discussions she was having with herself and others. There were scenes too that were too “real”  to me…real because it reminded me very much of conversations over margaritas and little synchronous moments I personally have been experiencing in the last few months with very special people around me. Like I said, Eat Pray Love always seems to give me messages at just the right time

One of my favorite lines in the movie (okay, for my dear readers who complain about spoilers, I apologize if you consider this as one, but I don’t think it is ) goes: ” Ruin is a gift; ruin is the road to transformation”.  That struck a chord deep in me because just recently, I found myself looking back at a difficult time in my life. A period in which I allowed myself to explore the artist in me, and during that time I found comfort and solace in working on that art. One of the most cathartic and meaningful things I did then was to take some chipped and imperfect vases and dishes that, because of their flaws, were no longer functional, but for some reason, I couldn’t throw away. So one day, I took them and smashed them to tiny pieces. From there, I picked up the bits and pieces that I liked and put them together in a mosaic to make new and more beautiful things that worked for me and by embracing that brokenness, I was able to make a better whole. Yes, by welcoming the ruins, I paved the way for transformation.

Today I embrace all that is broken and damaged and imperfect in me and sigh in contentment knowing that these are what make me better, for me and all those who are around me.

*happy happy sigh of contentment*

Eat Pray Love opens in Philippine cinemas on October 6, 2010 and is released by Columbia Pictures. This is surely one of those movies I wouldn’t mind watching over and over. Much as the book has found a way into my heart, so has this movie

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I thought of you and smiled today... not because I still miss you, but because I realized I can be happy without you

Dear You Who Had My Heart (and shattered it to a million itty-bitty pieces),

It’s been a few weeks since I finally let go of the “it’s complicated” in my relationship status after only God knows how long and I must say, letting go of that last thing I was holding on to of you has made a lot of difference.

In letting go of that, I think I finally allowed my spirit to soar again, and to become hopeful once more. I began to believe that yes, you weren’t the one for me after all, no matter how much I wanted that to be true. But more through cutting that string I began to believe that despite the fact that losing you made me feel unlovable and unwanted, I can actually be loved by others if I let them, but I was too blind to see that because of you.

Oh don’t get me wrong: I’m not pinning the blame all on you. After all, this was a game we both played, right?

I won’t pretend that every once in a while,  you don’t still creep into my dreams, suddenly jolting me from sleep and leaving me all antsy and full of angst.

However, these past few days, when you came to visit, I don’t think you have the same power anymore. I do still feel that little tug in my heart when I think of you, and remember, but the sharp pains it would bring that would take my breath away and leave my heart thumpity-thump-thumping away is no longer there. It was as if that knee jerk reaction that used to compel me to respond to the vision of you suddenly dissipated and I felt that I had finally regained control over how I react to you. In a way, you stopped being like one of those apps in Facebook that would scream out click here, click here, which, despite your better judgment, you always click in the end and before long you are hooked on the game you clicked.

By giving up the complicated, I let go of impulsively clicking on the buttons of my heart which repeatedly let you in no matter how many times I had to pick up the pieces and put it back together. In the same way, I can now go back to the Starbucks we used to go to and sit there knowing it’s okay that I was there without you. I can listen to songs you used to sing on the phone with no more tears springing to my eyes. And you know, I can actually say your name with no more hurt.

As the caption in the photo says, I know now I can be happy without you. I still thank you, though, for what we had because if not for that, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today. You were perhaps one of the most pivotal moments of my life. I saw the happiest and brightest of days and the darkest of nights with you and because of you. At the end of the day, I know I will see that it was an important cornerstone of my life. A dot I had to pass through, as my dear friend would say. And like she always reminds me, somewhere down the line I will see how wonderfully connected the dots are in my life.

♥ ,

Andrea (yes, you read that right. Much as I denounced my name because you insisted on calling me that because it’s “yours” to use, I am taking it back and letting it be a part of me again. Ktnxbai )

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Move over Love Actually….I have a new love movie! Valentine’s Day is a fun romantic comedy that is bound to make anyone feel good and believe in the idea of love once again, and I’m not just talking about romantic love here!

Set in L.A., Valentine’s Day follows the stories and intertwining lives of it’s characters as they navigate through one of the most loved — and most hated — holidays in the year. From mushy teenagers who are all over each other in public displays of affection to express their love, to young couples on the verge of their first time, and the end of supposedly idyllic relationships, Valentine’s Day gives viewers a refreshing new look at one of the most basic needs in life, to love and be loved in return.

Much as I tend to be a cynic about how love happens, watching the Valentine’s Day made me feel all sorts of emotions tied in to love. I felt the cynicism that Kara felt, the uncertainty of Jason, the desire for that kilig moments of young lovers, the ambivalence of wanting to be in a relationship and yet wanting to know one’s own future first, and the confusion of this grand thing called love. Naks ang serious! But seriously, it made me realize na hindi na ako galit sa Valentine’s Day! While most of love is a magical thing and that it just happens when it happens, to some degree, love is still a choice we make and how we respond to love, that’s another story.

One thing I liked a lot about this movie is that despite it being a romantic comedy, it wasn’t all that cheesy. I liked how the story tied well together, although at first, it thought it was going to be just like Love Actually. Nevertheless, this is much more light and fun flick! It definitely now takes the place of the previous film in my Persef classes! An added bonus to the film is the great soundtrack which I enjoyed a lot. Plus all those lovely shoes Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba were wearing…sigh!!!

Valentine’s Day features an all-star cast including award winning actresses Julia Roberts and Shirley McLaine, heartthrobs Patrick Dempsey, Eric Dane, Ashton Kutcher, Bradley Cooper, and Taylor Lautner.The film also features Jessica Alba, Jessica Beal, Jennifer Garner, Queen Latifah, Emma Roberts, Hector Elizondo, George Lopez, Jamie Foxx, Taylor Swift, Carter Jenkins, Anne Hathaway, Topher Grace and young cutie Bryce Robinson. Valentine’s Day is directed by the acclaimed Gary Marshall and is released by Warner Brothers Pictures. Catch Valentine’s Day starting February 12, 2010 at a cinema near you.

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