i am woman, hear me rawr!

“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” - Deepak Chopra

There’s a saying that goes, shallow brooks are noisy. I never really appreciated that saying until lately. For the most part, I have never been one to be comfortable in silence. What’s funny, however, is that while I may appear highly extroverted and exuberant all the time, deep down inside I am a very quiet and shy person who actually likes to be in the silence and quiet.

However, in as much as I love the quiet, I fear it just as much, maybe because in the silence there’s so much more said and that there are no distractions to keep you away from introspection. When I’m with others, I feel this urge to fill the space with noise because I fear what they might be thinking about me if there was no interaction between us.

Yes, that is one of the many polar opposites about me.

Lately, however, I have been discovering the joy and beauty of silence and solitude. I used to think that it was very lonely and painful being in silence, but now I find that it is actually a pleasurable thing. Before, in times that needed silence, I always made it a point to be extra busy or to go out of my way to avoid it, but now, I may resist a bit in the beginning, but the struggle is not so great anymore. I was just telling my friends from work the other day over lunch that lately, I really just want to be in the quiet bubble of my room…no TV, no music, just me in my bed and the silence.

Of course at times it can get very uncomfortable, especially when things are not going too well, but for the most part…bliss

When I was first told by my wise sage to welcome sadness (or periods of difficulty for that matter) and sit in silence with it, I couldn’t get it. I struggled quite a bit with her and with it, but now that I have grown leaps and bounds, when I find myself in moments of pain and sadness, I have learned to sit with it and listen to what it is telling me. And because of that, I have learned so much.

In the same manner, when I am with friends, I can now just sit and be quiet. My friend, who I go out with quite a lot lately, called this comfortable silence. I chalked up our comfortable silence to the fact that we had been friends for almost 14 years now, but I realized just lately, it is not just with her I have started appreciating comfortable silence with. I guess  it’s part of growing up and growing together in relationships that allow this, right? For whatever it’s worth, not talking about too many things, but just focusing on what is important, has been such a great blessing to me.

And so tonight I have finally appreciated what the cliché shallow brooks are noisy means….its when you take in too much from the outside so as to distract you from what is important, it’s flailing around too much acting like you know things, and it’s filling up space with the non-essentials, and when you do, you miss out on so much.  And more so, the “noisier” I am, be it externally or internally, the more I stay on shallow waters, trying to ignore the deeper meaning and value of the moments I am living. Like they say, still waters run deep right? So being still, listening, and just breathing, like I’ve been writing about since October, lets me go to the innermost core of myself and just be where I am suppose to be and in that silent solitude, the answers to the questions that weigh me down and the burdens that threaten to swallow me whole all of a sudden become so miniscule and insignificant, and in return, I become a better me

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The noblest thing a human being can experience is acceptance of the mystery. - Paulo Coelho

I had set off for 2011 with a lot of positive hopes and aspirations. After all, 2010 ended on a good note, despite it being somewhat of a rocky start. However, barely two weeks in to the new year, I got “toinked” (err…toinked meaning stumbling on something unexpected or slipping down a path I wouldn’t normally wish on anyone) really badly. So much so that it threw me off for a good week. Literally.

I hate how these things happen. Being the type of person I am, I thrive on certainty…on routine…regularity. Things that are random and unexpected throw me in a loop and make it so difficult for m. As I’ve said so many times in the past, change was (and often times still is) never really something I dealt with easily. I like structure…I like knowing…I like being sure.

However every time I think I’ve gotten things down pat, some force comes and toinks me. Read the rest of this entry »

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In one of my other blogs, I once wrote a post about how Bubba has been my teacher of life’s most important lessons. Today, I am reminded of it. I’ve been struggling these past few days with so many overwhelming tasks and things to do which have left me overtired and stressed beyond imagination. Add to that the fact that I am missing people and things around me a little too much. One of the few things that have kept me afloat is Bubba and for that, I’m truly grateful. He is truly a bright ray of sunshine no matter how dismal my day may be.

I really have learned so much from him, as I stated in my post before, but today I am reminded of this note from my Facebook page that I was tagged in by my friends at Project Lightning Kennel

A dog teaches us a lot of things, but we never seem to take notice.

These are some of the lessons you might learn… Read the rest of this entry »

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A couple of Mondays ago, despite the fact that I was nursing the worst migraine EVER, I found myself suddenly inspired by a new project that was perfect for  me. The inspiration of this came a bit from the traditional Christmas party we have in the clinic where we have all sorts of crazy themes and tasks that aims to challenge us to go beyond just shopping for our Christmas tokens and the like. So this year, we were told that instead of having some kind of kooky theme and a price cap for the Kris Kringle, this year it should be anything handmade. Oooohhh so perfy for me, right?

Anyway, I immediately knew what I wanted to do, but was not sure about the execution yet. I knew I wanted to design a box and do that. Given my usual enthusiasm for projects like this, it soon snowballed into something bigger and…well…suffice it to say that The Craft Box Project was born.

The Craft Box Project

It took me some time to find the right boxes but eventually I found some and even if these weren’t really the “perfect” ones I had wanted but I just went with it. Not only did I go with it, but I spent a little fortune (well, that’s an exaggeration. A nice sum would be a better way of describing it!) on all sorts of shapes and sizes. I also stocked up on paints, glitter, glue, colored sand and paper, as well as double sided tape and all sorts of other craft stuff.  Today I think I took Project Sunshine to a whole new medium

I have always loved boxes for some reason, especially pretty little boxes tied up in string. Something about it speaks volumes to me. What made my love for boxes even more was the fact that during one of the most difficult and painful time in my life, it became a sanctuary for my soul.

During that time, when I had no words to speak and and only pain to know, I discovered the gift of my art. I began, what I called back then, to doodle to help quiet the thoughts in my head and to comfort my weary heart and soul. Eventually I stopped calling them doodles and realized they were messages, very special ones, from my soul.  And so I continued to draw until I had a whole bunch of them and I realized they needed a home. And so I found this box, a craft box painted with brilliant red and black swirls, and I knew it was the perfect home for my drawings. I lined the bottom with a bed of soft tissue, as a mere reminder that whenever I am tired, there is rest to be found if I be still and centered.

When I started to get my words back (which, for a writer like me was the most painful loss at that time), I began to write little notes as reminders of my dreams, wishes and even hurts which soon found it’s way to it’s own little box. Before putting these notes in boxes, I tied them up in pretty ribbons, much like a ritual or tradition that allowed me to give my thoughts, good or bad, validation and honor.

And so these boxes still have a special place in my room, tucked neatly away safely, away from prying eyes and harsh criticism. In them  still lie all my secret dreams and wishes, as well as my deepest, darkest and most unspeakable thoughts. Every once in a while, when I am feeling lost or tired, I take it out and just listen, and eventually, I find myself feeling better somehow.

In as much as my boxes have seen me through my brightest of days and my darkest of nights, one thing I am grateful to them for is the fact that not only do I find healing with them, but because of them, I, too, am able to help others find their own healing. It doesn’t really matter, I think, what the boxes hold, but it’s the way it becomes much like a totem that one can hold on to to remember who they are and what really matters. I never really thought of it as such, but someone once called my box a treasure chest….I suppose she was right. And so while the box I will be giving my Kris Kringle will come empty initially, I hope it soon is filled with little trinkets that speak of  love, hope, and whatever it is he or she deems their treasures.

Random thought: I know I’ve been using the word “project” a wee bit too much lately (errr…Project Sunshine, Project Prettify Me for example), but lets just go with it, okay? Oh…I couldn’t stop with just one box (teeeheeeheee)….check them out in my Flickr stream

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On the way home, I found myself wallowing (yes, melodramatic much) in that old familiar pit of self-pity and sadness. On one hand, I do know these are but necessary pains that serve some sort of purpose in my life, even though it can be so damned hard to see at the moment in which it happens. On the other, I truly hate how it takes away my bright sunshine and leaves me caught in the midst of darkness.

As is customary when I find myself caught in the midst of internal chaos, I found myself holding my breath in discomfort, fighting back tears that cognitively, I knew were illogical. But as always, emotions got the better of me. So I did what I always do when I feel overwhelmed by emotions: I began to write and acknowledge those thoughts and feelings that were around.

photo by Iris Acosta

Every once in a while, just like tonight,  I find myself wishing for a myriad of things, many of them contradicting each other, often times these are irrational and in my head, I know they are illogical, but they’re there but bottom line, they all stemmed from one thing: that I was just so tired of  feeling like I give too much of myself…to people who don’t matter, to my work,  to tasks or things around me that demand too much of my time and energy….and what I was getting in return was either not what I expected, or enough to reciprocate what I had spent, especially on those who don’t deserve it in the first place.

And so in the secret recesses of my heart, I had wished…

…thatI lived in a bubble where I had nothing to care about, or care for for that matter. In that bubble, albeit alone, I would know no loneliness because I wouldn’t know any better….

…On the other hand, I wished that if I wasn’t in that bubble, I had someone to watch over me and to take my hand and walk with me so I didn’t have to go through life’s journey all alone, even though I can do it myself…

…that I didnt care so much and that it didnt hurt so much to actually care because I really do…

…that I had someone to wake up next to, whether I wake up to bright golden sunshiny days or dark gloomy ones…

…better yet, I wished I didn’t have to wake up to another day that was bound to be the same….

…that I didnt feel so lonely way too often, because in the depths of my heart, I do know I am not alone and that yes, people actually do care about me even if I have difficulty believing that…

But at the end, as I held back bitter tears, I wished most that I didn’t wish for any of those at all.

When I finally  made it home, I was greeted by a welcome sight: my Bubba running to meet me, tail wagging like mad, reminding me that there is so much I keep missing out on whenever I get stuck in that little rut that I keep falling in to. Before I got home, I was feeling very tired and I had thought to myself, how can I manage to walk Bubba if I feel this way? However, seeing him I was reminded that if I keep wasting my energy worrying about, caring for and reacting to things that are unnecessary and pointless, I will have nothing left not just for myself, but for the people and things that truly matter. While I would wholeheartedly go out on a limb for those who are worth it, I had to remind myself (or should I say I had to be reminded ) that not everyone deserved what I was giving them. And just because I don’t give equally of myself to all, or perhaps give any to some, this doesn’t make me selfish or mean or insensitive. It just makes me better for myself and for those that really count.

And so I took a time out to be still and to listen to my soul. And of course, to breathe through it all.  I turned off my phone, stayed offline, walked with Bubba, hooped a bit, and worked on Project Sunshine. When I was feeling a bit more settled, I went online met up with the Sheriff, and found a couple of  pleasant surprises in the form of random messages and comments or affirmations that I was not expecting. Yes, I found little reminders that somewhere out there, even without me knowing it, even without me asking for it, and even without me having to create it for myself, there are people out there sending me bright bits of sunshine.  All I have to do is to spread my arms out wide, receive it and believe it’s there.

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The other day, I sent my family and MMS of a recent photo of me which really emphasized the amount of weight I’ve lost in the past few months. One of my aunts immediately messaged me back and said I should stop dieting already because I was looking good already. I told her that I wasn’t really as consciously dieting anymore, but I am still trying to find my way to a good kind of healthy. I think that is the most essential part of this whole journey. I did notice, however, that since I’ve lost weight, I started being more susceptible to colds and headaches. I don’t know if it’s the weather or my body coping with the sudden weight loss, or a combination of both. Plus of course I can’t deny that I’ve been under an incredible amount of stress lately. So, I think what I need to do would be the following:

• Increase my water intake
• Lessen my exposure to smoke, dust, pollution and the like
• Try to sleep adequately (errr….this is a weee bit hard!)
• Eat more (haha!) consistently. I tend to skip meals, but not necessarily for the diet but because of work
• Up my vitamins and supplement intake to build up my immune system (I have to research on this first though…I tend to just rely on the basic, generic supplements if ever I take any. But as to what the best vitamins for women would be, I have no idea! Um…is there really a difference between men’s and women’s supplements???)
• Avoid things I should avoid Errr….like too much meat, fatty food, caffeine….and other stuff haha.

Hopefully these steps not only help me keep up the diet, but to also become a more healthy me

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...if all the sun beams were bubble gum and ice cream, oh what a sun that will be...

People say happiness is a choice. I beg to disagree.

For me, I’d like to think it is a process and not just something you chose to do. It is something that is worked at, very hard, continuously and with conscious effort. It’s something you don’t take for granted or assume, just because you choose it. More than choosing happiness, I think it is about creating your own happiness, and part and parcel of that creation is acknowledging and honoring the sadness that may come along, recognizing its inherent value in the building of your soul. Sure, making a decision comes with the package, but it doesn’t end with just choosing to be happy. It comes with creating what makes you happy and reframing the way things happen around you.

Take this, for example.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate the rain. For me, the rain brings back bits and pieces of bad memories from really traumatic events that have greatly impacted my life. For me, the rain represents so many negative emotions like fear, dread, impending doom. At times, even death. The slightest hint of rain, from gray skies to the rumbling of thunder, always manages to tap into that. And while it may perhaps be a psychosomatic response to the rainy weather, whenever dark skies come and raindrops fall almost endlessly, I always seem to find myself physically debilitated and no amount of antibiotics or any medication would completely make me better. It is as if my physically body is commiserating with my soul, which slowly withers to the point of being at the brink of ‘death’. Read the rest of this entry »

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...you are exactly where you are supposed to be... from the prayer of St. Threse

Three years ago today I started on the most difficult, yet most soulful, two weeks of my life ever. It was at this time that I was in the deepest and darkest moments of my life. There I was, in the throes of a major depression, trying to keep my head above water and tread to safety, lost beyond imagination.

On this day in that not too distant past, I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. Correction: I was made to do the hardest thing I would ever have to do: face my darkness head-on.

I wasn’t there to confront it, I was told, nor was I there to fight it. I was there to get to know it and make amends with it so we can co-exist in a delicate balance of darkness and light.

Um…hello???

I fought as hard as I could so as not to go there. How, in all honesty, could I allow myself to go there, especially since going there meant letting go completely of all sense of comfort and familiarity? Sure, I was in so, so much pain and misery at that time, so much so that every night as I poured myself a drink so I could fall asleep I would pray fervently that I didn’t have to wake up again the next day. But that was familiar. That much I knew. And the hurt would go away anyway, as long as I stuffed myself with cookie after cookie, cupcake after cupcake and so on. Plus I had my distractions…I’d spend countless hours downloading songs from Grey’s Anatomy then one by one, arrange them and label them per episode. I virtually camped out at Seattle Grace during that year and from there, I was able to make an alternate reality for me. It was such a great façade, in fact, that no one knew how deeply depressed I was…no one saw the bottles of tequila hidden in my closet nor knew I would take a Nyquil or two, or three at times, just to get a few hours of restless sleep. No one knew how dead and empty I felt on the inside. Read the rest of this entry »

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