i am woman, hear me rawr!

Over lunch today I did the unthinkable (kidding! it’s just so…anti-Ria, haha): I read a journal article (cue the hallelujah chorus teeheeheee).

Granted it has nothing to do with my thesis, I got to reading an article about the downside of happiness. One may think that perhaps its such an oxymoron to say that happiness can actually be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, afterall, isn’t happiness supposed to be a good thing?

Anyway the article discussed points that kinda resonated with me, especially now thar I have learned to appreciate the darker side of things. The bottom line of that paper was that like anything, too much of happiness, especially in the wrong context and at the wrong time, can likewise be detrimental as it can contribute to poor judgment and inappropriate behaviors. Although the positive contributions of happiness is far reaching and highly beneficial, what I take from this is really the value of recognizing and appreciating emotions for what they are, good or bad. Interestingly, just this morning I read an article in one of my favorite sites, the Tiny Buddha, about the value of recognizing emotions and not apologizing for them ever.

Synchronicity I tell ya.

And so what I took from that very serendipitous lunch, if I could call it that, is the fact that sometimes, painting on a smile so you don’t have to explain why your sad works, and perhaps this is what people mean when they would say fake it till you make it . But more than that, I was reminded that sometimes, it’s okay to not smile because things are not okay, and you don’t really have to explain, define or deconstruct why it’s so. It just is. And that’s fine.

Yes, this is me embracing the darkness and walking in the rain, knowing full well that both dark and light, sun and rain have their own place in my life. More so, that I am all the better because they both are there.

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Over lunch today I did the unthinkable (kidding! it’s just so…anti-Ria, haha): I read a journal article (cue the hallelujah chorus teeheeheee).

Granted it has nothing to do with my thesis, I got to reading an article about the downside of happiness. One may think that perhaps its such an oxymoron to say that happiness can actually be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, afterall, isn’t happiness supposed to be a good thing?

Anyway the article discussed points that kinda resonated with me, especially now thar I have learned to appreciate the darker side of things.  The bottom line of that paper was that like anything, too much of happiness, especially in the wrong context and at the wrong time, can likewise be detrimental as it can contribute to poor judgment and inappropriate behaviors. Although the positive contributions of happiness is far reaching and highly beneficial, what I take from this is really the value of recognizing and appreciating emotions for what they are, good or bad. Interestingly, just this morning I read an article in one of my favorite sites, the Tiny Buddha, about the value of recognizing emotions and not apologizing for them ever.

Synchronicity I tell ya.

And so what I took from that very serendipitous lunch, if I could call it that, is the fact that sometimes, painting on a smile so you don’t have to explain why your sad works, and perhaps this is what people mean when they would say fake it till you make it . But more than that, I was reminded that sometimes, it’s okay to not smile because things are not okay, and you don’t really have to explain, define or deconstruct why it’s so. It just is. And that’s fine.

Yes, this is me embracing the darkness and walking in the rain, knowing full well that both dark and light, sun and rain have their own place in my life. More so, that I am all the better because they both are there.

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Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. -- Carl Jung

Last night a dear friend asked me if I was happy.

Usually I would have a clear, definitive answer for that: yes or no. But last night, for once, I didn’t really have an answer. All I could come up with was that I was at peace, and for now, that is good enough.

Today I decided to “introduce” Bubba to my lolo (okay, I do realize that kinda sounds weird but just go with me ) and so we got in the car and drove to the Manila Memorial and we played in the open area in front of Lolo’s grave for quite a bit. When Bubba was tired, I laid out my sarong and we just sat there by the shade of the tree nearby.

In the quiet, I found myself drifting to my innermost thoughts and once again, just letting myself be in that situation.

I’ve been doing that a lot lately, and I realized that I’m kind of beginning to get comfortable with it. For a long, long time, I used to fight like mad when I’d be in the quiet. In fact, I can barely stay in my room (which probably is what I can really call my haven, because it’s the one place that I can really call mine) without the television or the radio on.  I guess it’s because I’ve always feared the silence, because this is when my thoughts and insecurities hound me most.

So today I just let myself be in that quiet.

I was reminded of something I wrote a few days back when I was feeling very safe and settled. At that time it came so naturally for me to say yes, I was happy. Happy and content, should I say. The funny thing is, every time I think I’m happy and things are perfect, something reminds me to take it slow and to not take things for granted and to assume…and most importantly, it reminds me to honor and appreciate what I have.

It dawned on me that the reason why I keep struggling with whether I am happy or not is because of the preconceived notion I have of what happiness is. I used to think that to be happy means you’ve worked out all your issues and these no longer come to haunt you. In many ways, it means smooth sailing despite the storms that come your way. Being happy meant you were whole and that you were strong enough to face whatever comes your way.

But now I think I know better. Read the rest of this entry »

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