i am woman, hear me rawr!

To say the past two weeks or so have been like treading on rough waters is an understatement. Perhaps caught in the middle of a summer storm in the middle of an angry ocean would be a better way to describe how it has been for me. Yes, that rough. So much so that almost every night, tears stained my pillows as I stuggled to fall into a restful sleep and even my yin yoga class last Wednesday (which is one of the things that gives me the most pleasure lately) was a great struggle for me. It’s been quite difficult to deal with so many things that have been going on, so many things I feel I messed up with and perhaps, yeah, there was some mistaking there, but it just felt so overwhelmingly difficult that it was like being caught in a riptide with barely enough lifelines to hold on to, or strength and desire for that matter, to do so. In a way I guess I should say I was glad I was on holiday break because save for Monday, the only people I had seen were my yoga teachers and so I didn’t really have to explain my goldfish eyes or have to pretend I was happy and okay and that my heart wasn’t so painfully wounded by words said and unsaid. I could just be sungit and quiet and that would be fine.

Although the storm seems to have tapered down a bit, and the faint glow of the sun was slowly returning, I found myself so very tired from treading the waves that were so big and strong. And so with a very tired heart last night, I did the only thing left to do. I prayed. I heeded to a message I was sent not too long ago, that I should pray more. I should pray for strength, I was told.  And for hope. And for love.

And so as I wrote down my prayer (I like notes, so there ) I prayed oh so very hard for those. I said, Lord, I am trying to find reason in all of this, but I know the more I search the more I won’t find it but that all I need to do is believe there is reason for it. So please, take it from me and give me an answer to what I ask for. I’m tired, I had said, of having to figure out what to do, how to fix things, how to manage, and of doing everything myself. So I asked for the strength physically and mentally to be able to just keep trying, even if I always feel like I’m falling short, to keep going, despite all the bitter disappointments, and yes, to hold on even if I don’t want to anymore. I asked for the strength to keep on giving and caring, without expecting or asking anything in return and to let go of bitterness when disappointments set in. I asked for hope to be able to quiet my spirit and give my heart some rest. But most of all I asked for love in all sense of the word, from myself, from family, from friends. I asked for a love that I could understand and believe in, and one that wouldn’t go away or get mad or push me away when I am hard to understand (which very often admittedly I am).

Um…demanding much? Haha. Maybe, I guess, but as I dried up my tears I felt a stirring in me that said go to the Chapel on the Hill tomorrow and you’ll find the answer there.

As I did last October when I felt that need to go on a road trip to converse with my soul, I fought and rationalized at first. It’s a waste of time, you have lots of other things to do, it’s a waste of gas and money yadiyadiya. I even went to yoga class this morning and told my teacher I had planned to go to Caleruega but opted not to because I’d rather go to her class instead.

But no…the Universe, nay —God, had better plans for me.

My teacher often has a theme in her yoga classes and today was all about waves and how we everything is like the wave of an ocean, it comes and it goes, like the tides. So you just have to play out the wave, she says, go with it and allow it to take you where it needs to take you. Talk about being toinked while doing your asana, right?

So I was in the snail pose today, one that I struggled with for a long time prior to today, and for the first time, I find comfort in it, feeling the pleasurable surge of energy and chi flowing in my body. And it hit me: ride the current and breathe, Ria. Play out the wave, don’t flail too much and soon you will make it back to still waters. Thus I decided to play out that wave and listen to the voice that told me to go drive to that chapel.

And so after class, I came home to change, threw in my camera, my iPad and a blank craft box with some pencils and coloring materials into my and drove away.

When I got to the chapel, I entered through (as would be expected of me) one of the side doors and as soon as I did, the answer I had asked for last night was right there:

remain in my love that your joy may be complete...

I asked for love, and I got it.

Or should I say, I was reminded that I had it all along.

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"It has been said, "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." — Rose Kennedy

I have come to the conclusion (or perhaps I should say to the agreement with what Rose Kennedy said about it)  that many times, old wounds never do heal. Yes, they do get better. Yes, the pain subsides. Yes, you do get over it. But despite these all, the scars of those wound remain and no matter how much time has passed, the damage is always going to be there. The thing is, even as you try to heal it or to fix what had been broken, it never completely is the same anymore.

Let me put it this way: There’s this street corner I pass on my way to work that, despite how many years have passed, still cause me so much fear and anxiety. Read the rest of this entry »

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Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A few months back, when my soul was weary and troubled, I went back to something I knew would quiet the voices in my head and give my heart the rest it sorely needed: my art.

Back then I clung on tightly to the bright sunshine that always brought me comfort, hence the beginnings of my Project Sunshine. Then, I felt the urgent need to create my own sunshine and hold tightly to lifelines thrown my way, sometimes a wee bit too much.

In the past few months, however, I have grown stronger and better, made so by necessary pains and conversations with my soul where I got to know myself better and explore other sides of me that I never once allowed to exist. Coupled with my yoga practice, where I have allowed myself to create spaces in my mind, body and soul, I have begun to learn what balance really means, how to have faith and to trust, and how love really works. I have likewise welcomed the darkness back to my life, knowing full well that in that in the dark, cold silence of night time I can thrive, too, albeit differently than I do under the warm golden sunshine, but that both are essential for the fullness of my soul.

Yes, I have learned to stop chasing rainbows and to let things go and let them be as I am learning to sit and wait in patience, just believing in myself, in people around me and in fate, love and in the certainty that though they may not be in sight, they do indeed exist.

And now I have returned to the heart of my art, no longer in troubled waters, but in still ones, now honoring the polar opposites that exist in my life, the yin and the yang so I’ve been told…and so side by side my Project Sunshine now comes the beginnings of my Night Sky And so tonight I whisper a little wish up into the night sky, and think of it with light an love, then dropping it knowing that in time, when it is right, I will be able to connect the dots and see how all the twists and turns, stops and starts and everything else make complete and perfect sense.

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“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” - Deepak Chopra

There’s a saying that goes, shallow brooks are noisy. I never really appreciated that saying until lately. For the most part, I have never been one to be comfortable in silence. What’s funny, however, is that while I may appear highly extroverted and exuberant all the time, deep down inside I am a very quiet and shy person who actually likes to be in the silence and quiet.

However, in as much as I love the quiet, I fear it just as much, maybe because in the silence there’s so much more said and that there are no distractions to keep you away from introspection. When I’m with others, I feel this urge to fill the space with noise because I fear what they might be thinking about me if there was no interaction between us.

Yes, that is one of the many polar opposites about me.

Lately, however, I have been discovering the joy and beauty of silence and solitude. I used to think that it was very lonely and painful being in silence, but now I find that it is actually a pleasurable thing. Before, in times that needed silence, I always made it a point to be extra busy or to go out of my way to avoid it, but now, I may resist a bit in the beginning, but the struggle is not so great anymore. I was just telling my friends from work the other day over lunch that lately, I really just want to be in the quiet bubble of my room…no TV, no music, just me in my bed and the silence.

Of course at times it can get very uncomfortable, especially when things are not going too well, but for the most part…bliss

When I was first told by my wise sage to welcome sadness (or periods of difficulty for that matter) and sit in silence with it, I couldn’t get it. I struggled quite a bit with her and with it, but now that I have grown leaps and bounds, when I find myself in moments of pain and sadness, I have learned to sit with it and listen to what it is telling me. And because of that, I have learned so much.

In the same manner, when I am with friends, I can now just sit and be quiet. My friend, who I go out with quite a lot lately, called this comfortable silence. I chalked up our comfortable silence to the fact that we had been friends for almost 14 years now, but I realized just lately, it is not just with her I have started appreciating comfortable silence with. I guess  it’s part of growing up and growing together in relationships that allow this, right? For whatever it’s worth, not talking about too many things, but just focusing on what is important, has been such a great blessing to me.

And so tonight I have finally appreciated what the cliché shallow brooks are noisy means….its when you take in too much from the outside so as to distract you from what is important, it’s flailing around too much acting like you know things, and it’s filling up space with the non-essentials, and when you do, you miss out on so much.  And more so, the “noisier” I am, be it externally or internally, the more I stay on shallow waters, trying to ignore the deeper meaning and value of the moments I am living. Like they say, still waters run deep right? So being still, listening, and just breathing, like I’ve been writing about since October, lets me go to the innermost core of myself and just be where I am suppose to be and in that silent solitude, the answers to the questions that weigh me down and the burdens that threaten to swallow me whole all of a sudden become so miniscule and insignificant, and in return, I become a better me

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On the way home, I found myself wallowing (yes, melodramatic much) in that old familiar pit of self-pity and sadness. On one hand, I do know these are but necessary pains that serve some sort of purpose in my life, even though it can be so damned hard to see at the moment in which it happens. On the other, I truly hate how it takes away my bright sunshine and leaves me caught in the midst of darkness.

As is customary when I find myself caught in the midst of internal chaos, I found myself holding my breath in discomfort, fighting back tears that cognitively, I knew were illogical. But as always, emotions got the better of me. So I did what I always do when I feel overwhelmed by emotions: I began to write and acknowledge those thoughts and feelings that were around.

photo by Iris Acosta

Every once in a while, just like tonight,  I find myself wishing for a myriad of things, many of them contradicting each other, often times these are irrational and in my head, I know they are illogical, but they’re there but bottom line, they all stemmed from one thing: that I was just so tired of  feeling like I give too much of myself…to people who don’t matter, to my work,  to tasks or things around me that demand too much of my time and energy….and what I was getting in return was either not what I expected, or enough to reciprocate what I had spent, especially on those who don’t deserve it in the first place.

And so in the secret recesses of my heart, I had wished…

…thatI lived in a bubble where I had nothing to care about, or care for for that matter. In that bubble, albeit alone, I would know no loneliness because I wouldn’t know any better….

…On the other hand, I wished that if I wasn’t in that bubble, I had someone to watch over me and to take my hand and walk with me so I didn’t have to go through life’s journey all alone, even though I can do it myself…

…that I didnt care so much and that it didnt hurt so much to actually care because I really do…

…that I had someone to wake up next to, whether I wake up to bright golden sunshiny days or dark gloomy ones…

…better yet, I wished I didn’t have to wake up to another day that was bound to be the same….

…that I didnt feel so lonely way too often, because in the depths of my heart, I do know I am not alone and that yes, people actually do care about me even if I have difficulty believing that…

But at the end, as I held back bitter tears, I wished most that I didn’t wish for any of those at all.

When I finally  made it home, I was greeted by a welcome sight: my Bubba running to meet me, tail wagging like mad, reminding me that there is so much I keep missing out on whenever I get stuck in that little rut that I keep falling in to. Before I got home, I was feeling very tired and I had thought to myself, how can I manage to walk Bubba if I feel this way? However, seeing him I was reminded that if I keep wasting my energy worrying about, caring for and reacting to things that are unnecessary and pointless, I will have nothing left not just for myself, but for the people and things that truly matter. While I would wholeheartedly go out on a limb for those who are worth it, I had to remind myself (or should I say I had to be reminded ) that not everyone deserved what I was giving them. And just because I don’t give equally of myself to all, or perhaps give any to some, this doesn’t make me selfish or mean or insensitive. It just makes me better for myself and for those that really count.

And so I took a time out to be still and to listen to my soul. And of course, to breathe through it all.  I turned off my phone, stayed offline, walked with Bubba, hooped a bit, and worked on Project Sunshine. When I was feeling a bit more settled, I went online met up with the Sheriff, and found a couple of  pleasant surprises in the form of random messages and comments or affirmations that I was not expecting. Yes, I found little reminders that somewhere out there, even without me knowing it, even without me asking for it, and even without me having to create it for myself, there are people out there sending me bright bits of sunshine.  All I have to do is to spread my arms out wide, receive it and believe it’s there.

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"This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down."

A few years ago, my sister and I had a great, big fight. One so big that despite the saying time heals all wounds, there is still that little hurt that never has healed. In the past few weeks, we have been chatting online and while things will really never be the same between us anymore, I think (or at least I speak from my point of view) there’s a new dynamic that was born out of that falling out we had.

To be honest, I’ve never really been the type to do the whole silent treatment bit. I never was very good at it. She, on the other hand, has mastered the fine art of the cold shoulder. When she was still here in the Philippines, she had no choice but to deal with my yapping away and working out our issues until we find a resolution to the problem. And yes, I would never let it go at “sige na, I was wrong. Forget it na, tapos na, okay?”. I would always dig deeper for an answer and work very hard at finding out what I did wrong so I never do it again. I guess that’s really just the way I deal with things: I never like uncertainty, I feel lost in things I don’t know and I have difficulty letting go. But once I know, no matter how painful or hurtful it may be, I find my way to peace. Uh-huh…like I always say jokingly (but do know deep down inside mean, even just a little bit) I am a girl with abandonment issues, so when she would pretend I didn’t exist, that was what cut the deepest.

However, since she is away, there was no way for me to force the issue anymore and after that fight we had, I offered my apologies but never heard back from her. So from there, I did learn to ignore her. I held on tightly to that hurt that she gave me until it killed whatever good existed between us. And for the longest time, I was okay with that. At least on the outside. Read the rest of this entry »

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Lately I’ve been struggling to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve been plagued (okay, to be fair at times blessed, because they’re good) with a whole lot of dreams that have yet to fully make sense to me.

I have always been a big believer of dreams. Signs, not so much, but dreams, yes (although I have changed my mind about the whole sign thing already!)  However, while I have always believed in the powerful messages dreams bring, I often try to push them away because they tend to open that proverbial Pandora’s box. I guess that’s also why during hypnotherapy class (and other exercises that involved a whole lot of guided imagery exercises) I always fought hard to repel it. The thing is, just when I feel like I am in control of things and the world around me makes sense, I begin to dream. Yes, lots of weird, strange dreams that tap into inner insecurities and fears that, at times, are just so hard to understand at the moment. What’s  annoying about this whole dreaming thing, however, is that when I need them, or when I actually ask for them, they don’t come! Before they started to come, I had asked for them. But things got clearer. I found myself being more content and happy, which like I said in my other blog, has been my little secret…yes, happiness and contentment are the  best diet pills as far as I’m concerned! And so I was at this place, I had no more questions for my dreams to answer.

Then they started coming. Now I kinda find myself wishing for the sleepless nights I used to have where I’d wake up like clockwork every hour but be somewhat more rested than the day before. Now, although sleep stretches a little bit longer, I am less rested. Grrrr.

Tonight, however, as I browsed through my old Friendster blog (okay, okay, even I have to smile at the fact I started blogging at friendster) I came across an old post that came out of a period of elusive sleep and discontent. Maybe this is the answer….

...in me lies the mind of a realist, the heart of a dreamer and the soul of a believer...

The Contender
Saturday, May 28th, 2005

As sleep remains elusive and the clock ticks by, thoughts of who or what or why consume me. No matter how much I try to turn it off, I can’t. It’s like an annoying commentary that goes on in my head. Sometimes it even begins to sound like a debate.

Then it hits me: yeah, it is a debate. Once more the mind of the realist and the heart of a dreamer are arguing and fighting to claim dominance. No matter how much my head tells me I’m okay, my heart says otherwise. Put it this way: in therapy, I have the answers to other people’s questions; for my kids, I’m Teacher Ria, their goddess equivalent; in class I’m Miss Ria, the kikay fast-talking prof; as a student, I was at the top of my class, but not a nerd…in short, the mind in me had everything down-pat. Then the dreamer emerges…and everything hits the fan. You know how the song goes… “my head says go and find the door, my heart says I found you….”….With that, all control is gone.

However no matter how bad things have gotten, or how defeated I begin to feel in this emotional joust, something in me keeps pushing me through. Through this battle, a believer is born. Although the believer knows it will survive, sometimes doubt, fear, pain and disappointment overrun it. And it’s hard to fight a losing battle. Especially if it’s fighting an invisible foe. Worse still, if it’s fighting itself.

Perhaps a harder part of the battle is knowing that it cannot continue the fight alone. It needs to go to its corner between rounds, and perhaps ask the cut-man to tape up a bloody eyebrow. Maybe the medic needs to rub down the swelling and wipe away the sweat. What makes it hard is asking for the help to continue the fight. And harder still, is when you ask for help in your corner, and you don’t get it.

Like a fallen contender backed into a corner, battered and beaten, all it can do is wait for the bell to ring and the next round to begin. This time, who knows, it might just land the right punch. So though the clashing and struggle continue, hope is not all lost. Much like the right punch combination, it’s just a matter of timing.

And no matter how much the realist and the dreamer debate or fight, ultimately it is the believer that survives… and yes, I am a survivor.

I’d like to think that this is one of those little signs that are here to deliver big messages….I haven’t really completely browsed my old blog, so I randomly clicked on a month and this was there.

I think it resonates a lot with something I was telling a friend of mine the other day after a random, unexpected bursting of tears…that maybe my dreams are telling me to make my way to believing again in the reconciliation of the dreamer and the realist. To find the middle ground. It is telling me to drop my defenses and just admit tiredness every once in a while, which never will be a sign of weakness. In the same manner, it tells me to keep at it as long as I can, despite the stumbling and falling I take along the way. It is also a reminder, I suppose, that I can only do so much…and while I may hurt the other along the way (or others who are at my corner for that matter), it’s bound to get better somehow. And while win or lose, each side will make it through one way or the other and that those on either side cheering them on in support will still be there despite the blows and hurts thrown their way.

In the end, I’d like to thing that these signs are reminders that being a dreamer, while holding on to the very abstract and random, at times is what is right. In the same way, working from the side of reality alone is not always enough. It’s the art of balancing things, after all, that makes life what it truly is: an unexpected battle. However, unlike a fight where only one can win, in life both sides can win.

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One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished...Stop being who you were, and change into who you are. - Paulo Coehlo

In the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (and feeling, I suppose) about the direction of my life and the decisions I’ve been making that have led me to where I am. What dawned on me was that it always has been the little things that happen in my life that really cause the greatest impact. Why do I call them little things? Well, for one, these are the things often unplanned.

I think for most of us — well, scratch that, I’ll speak for myself — I think for me I’ve always been the type who wants everything planned out and clear before I make a choice. However, every now and then, life throws me a curve ball and reminds me that no matter how much I plan things, there are many, many other variables that I have no way of controlling. Often times, they come as little things: such as not getting something I was expecting, a promotion falling through, a gut feel of discontent, small displeasure that grows, mediocre performance that is unlike my usual…

It’s not that these are bad things, but for someone like me, it can indeed cause me to feel like I’m on shifting sands.

Come to think of it (whoops…did I just use the word think again? Told ya I’ve been thinking a lot these past weeks!), I suppose in many ways facing change is really like being on shifting sands, right? More so, when I pause a bit, I realize that the shifting of these sands never, or at least very rarely, happen in an instant. It’s all the little things that affect it:  a digging from one end of the beach, a shift in tides, the phases of the moon….

So today I take the time to recognize all the little things that have greatly impacted my life, both good and bad and remember that despite the uncertainty, discomfort, and lack of clarity they may have caused me at one point or another, they have all been essential to leading me to where I am today. Read the rest of this entry »

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