i am woman, hear me rawr!

Woke up a wee bit flu-ish today. I say flu-ish because I technically don’t have a fever, but I feel all warm and icky on the inside. Plus I have a migraine And my tummy hurts. Sigh.

Yes, I’m complaining again. I really should work on the not complaining better, I know, I know. Then again, isn’t it that blogging to release emotions or just to vent can be a good thing (according to my research’s review of literature that is, hehe). So yes, my brain is all loopy and I can barely think straight but I have a lecture to prepare for tomorrows 8am class. Can’t I just teach my classes via audio conference calls tomorrow? Keep me in my little bubble please. I’m germ-infested. Hehe.

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I often think Bubba has never really forgiven me for bringing Joe into the family

Much as they have learned to get along and they bring so much joy to me as a whole, I think there’s a little part of Bubba that changed because of my seemingly random decision. He seems less happy than he used to be. Then again, maybe he has just gotten old He still runs to greet me when I get home and he snuggles next to me like we used to but because Joe is around, he doesn’t stay next to me anymore like before. When we go out for walks, he tolerates his brother but I feel less of a “bounce” in his step.  Maybe it’s just my imagination but I just feel like I broke him somehow by taking in a new dog,  even though my purpose for getting a new dog was so he’d have company.

Yesterday, however, I decided to take Bubba out for a looooong walk, just him and me, like old times. When we got home, he readily greeted Joe and then went on as usual. At bedtime, however, he immediately went back to his old place in the bed, right next to me, and stayed there almost the entire night.

It was such a nice feeling to have him there, and this afternoon, when I took a nap, for some reason Joe decided to stay outside of the room and let Bubba and me be together, just the two of us, for a bit. We had a good hour and a half long nap and when I got up, it was the old familiar Bubba’s face I saw

I suppose he just needed some time to be reminded of his place in the family, yes?  It reminded me of how my sister would often joke me about my things making “tampo” when it is about to get replaced (remember how the lcd of that old nokia (or was it the motorola? the one that needed phased out rzr parts to be repaired? haha) suddenly broke on the day when I was complaining that the phone was ugly na and needed replacing??? nagtampo raw kaya nasira! haha). And so yes, maybe Bubba was feeling that way and so I decided that maybe from now on, I should take the boys out on their separate walks and special trips every now and then and not always at the same time. After all, this is often times a recommendation I make in my psychological evaluations and I always highlight how making each child (yes, I know my children are dogs but just go with it!!! haha) feel affirmed and reminded of their value.

I am hoping that I have a long weekend or break soon so I can take Bubba to the beach again…maybe that will do us some good…just him and me, like old times

I do look forward, however, to also doing little trips with just Joe. And more especially to those trips I can do with both my boys with me

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Every once in a while I just find myself asking just that…it’s like one day I woke up and suddenly, everything was different. Everything was just so darned complicated.

But I guess that’s what it means to grow up, right? And so today I will borrow the words of Steve Jobs and remind myself that somewhere down the line, all this complicated mess will  make sense.

And so I will close my eyes, take a deep breath and just believe in that.

‎"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something -- your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect along the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you away from the well-worn path. And that will make all the difference." -Steve Jobs

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Lookit lookit!!! Yeeeey!!! I finally found the shirt I was looking for.

Since I discovered yoga one of my dear friends has been calling me  Yogi Bear and so when I saw one of my friends from yoga wearing this shirt, I immediately said it was soooo bagay me!!! Hehe. Problem is she had bought it in Robinsons in Gen San! Today one of my other yoga friends was wearing this and she was like, go get one too!!! And so I did haha.  Like I said, I’ve been wanting this shirt for the longest time, and while yes, my friend Angie was right when she said “you, a t-shirt, Ri???”, and yeah, I really don’t wear T-shirts like these very often but this was too cute to pass  up

Immazooohappy

Random bits of sunshine on this rainy day

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I used to love going to the grocery. It used to be a fun place for me as a child, but I guess as you grow up and the bills become yours, it takes on a different meaning haha. Seriously though, for some reason the grocery seems to tap into a lot of my negative emotions…from attachment to food, frustrations regarding parenting, impulse control and so on and so forth. I don’t know, but there are some groceries that really just tap into my pet peeves. For example, it frustrates me when the grocery I go to has one of those fashioned registers without those barcode scanners. It takes so much longer for the cashier to ring up purchases after all, right? I mean, that’s why these things were created in the first place, to make things much, much easier. Also, it frustrates me when groceries constantly rearrange and move products from one aisle to another. Sure it’s okay if you’re making space for new products but to change aisles from week to week is simply annoying!

Yes…this post is coming from the fact that I have to go to the grocery  now. Haha. I’m off. Wish me luck.

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I spent the afternoon at the Ateneo med school and I couldn’t help but wonder where I’d be now if I had pursued my dreams of becoming a doctor, as I originally planned when I stepped foot in college. It’s not that I regret becoming an educator and a psychologist, mind you, but I couldn’t help but think to myself, what if as I sat there watching these students come in and out in their white uniforms and all. It got me to thinking, about how vastly different things would be. Would I be happier and more content, perhaps? Would I feel more fulfilled and sure of myself? Will the questions and uncertainties that all too often gnaw at me nowadays be the same? Will I perhaps be less of the kikay fashionista that I am and be dressed in more sensible outfits? In the same breath, would my heels and penchant for dangly earrings, chunky necklaces and tanzanite rings be replaced with simple flats and pearls instead? Would I have shunned my creative self for the more logical self in me, perhaps? More so, would I love the me I would be more than the me I am now?

I guess I’ll never know, right? And perhaps there is no one answer to that. It’s just interesting that these thoughts came right at the heels of a nightmare that really threw me off yesterday. Add to that, on the way to yoga class when I woke up, I was listening to the Morning Rush on RX 93.1 as I often do and something the DJ’s said caught my ear. They were talking about the butterfly effect and how a simple fluttering of a butterfly’s wings can cause ripples that affect even a world away. It resonated so much with my dream where I did something so randomly and it caused a great ripple effect that changed the course of soooo many things.

So today as I sat there, watching the students, observing their little differences and admiring their shoes and bags, thinking to myself how all these little things, if changed for one reason or another, can alter the course of so many other things. Random thoughts, I know. Serves me right for not sleeping too well, I suppose haha.

At the end of the day, however, one thing became clear to me. I do have no regrets about the choices I’ve made, even if they aren’t always pleasant and fun. I guess at the end of it all, despite all the twists and turns, in spite of all the ups and downs, and even if I find myself gaining weight or with goldfish eyes every now and then, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I may not like it at times, after all is said and done, I guess I do like where I am.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am. ~Sylvia Plath

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Yes, I know it only happens once every 100 years but I was so sick I couldn’t even get out of bed so I had to miss the grand De La Salle University 100 years of La Sallian presence in the Philippines bash. Sadness. Although, yeah, I’m not really a full-fledged La Sallian (um, my undergrad degree is from UP after all, and my graduate school degree is still pending even after all this time toink), but I still love being part of that community.

Many do not know this about me, perhaps, but when I was applying for college, DLSU was my top choice of schools. That’s where I really, really wanted to go. Most of my family came from there too, so it was really what I was expecting for myself. I did pass the entrance exams to the University and I was set to enroll there when my lolo gave me such an interesting proposition that I could not turn down.

Because I also passed the entrance exam to UP (which, at first, I only took because the rest of my batch took it), he said, why  not go there. My mom was a little surprised, actually, because during her time, my grandfather was adamant about her not going there. Anyway, he went on to talk about how many people take that test and how so many do not make it and there I was, giving up a golden opportunity. To sweeten the deal he said, okay, how about this…your choice: if you go to DLSU, well and good. I will support you. If you go to UP, well and good. I will support you. And give you a car to go there.

Errr…hello… Choice clear, right?

Sure we did not have air conditioned classrooms, a well-organized and stocked library or a dlp projector installed in every classroom, but I learned so much there and I loved it very much.

Years later, however, I fulfilled my dream of studying in the Green School by enrolling in the Clinical Psychology program of the Psychology Department for my graduate studies. Suffice it to say it has opened up so many doors for me in countless ways. For one, because of that choice and the way things fell into place, I ended up being part of the faculty of the psychology department and I love how this has made me such a better person.

While I may not completely bleed green, as the call it, I am honored to call myself a La Sallian. I am thankful for the many opportunities the University has given me and I am even more grateful for the family I have gained because of it.

And so though I missed the Centennial Celebration, I join my fellow La Sallians in saying, ANIMO LA SALLE!

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Over lunch today I did the unthinkable (kidding! it’s just so…anti-Ria, haha): I read a journal article (cue the hallelujah chorus teeheeheee).

Granted it has nothing to do with my thesis, I got to reading an article about the downside of happiness. One may think that perhaps its such an oxymoron to say that happiness can actually be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, afterall, isn’t happiness supposed to be a good thing?

Anyway the article discussed points that kinda resonated with me, especially now thar I have learned to appreciate the darker side of things. The bottom line of that paper was that like anything, too much of happiness, especially in the wrong context and at the wrong time, can likewise be detrimental as it can contribute to poor judgment and inappropriate behaviors. Although the positive contributions of happiness is far reaching and highly beneficial, what I take from this is really the value of recognizing and appreciating emotions for what they are, good or bad. Interestingly, just this morning I read an article in one of my favorite sites, the Tiny Buddha, about the value of recognizing emotions and not apologizing for them ever.

Synchronicity I tell ya.

And so what I took from that very serendipitous lunch, if I could call it that, is the fact that sometimes, painting on a smile so you don’t have to explain why your sad works, and perhaps this is what people mean when they would say fake it till you make it . But more than that, I was reminded that sometimes, it’s okay to not smile because things are not okay, and you don’t really have to explain, define or deconstruct why it’s so. It just is. And that’s fine.

Yes, this is me embracing the darkness and walking in the rain, knowing full well that both dark and light, sun and rain have their own place in my life. More so, that I am all the better because they both are there.

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