i am woman, hear me rawr!

One of my most favorite things to do is to go the beach alone. If ever I’d have company, it would be Bubba. But being alone in the beach, just sitting under the sun and watching the water and just listening to the quiet in my head, has been the most wonderful thing I have discovered over the past three or four years.

Lately, since I have limited time and a not-so-flexible budget, I have learned to substitute my solo beach trip to random me dates. At first I would go out of my way to go to places where there wouldn’t be too many people, after all, asking for a table for one in a restaurant usually raises a few eyebrows. But I have learned to enjoy it quite a bit. Sometimes I go on a margarita me date, or perhaps sit in Bag of Beans with just my sketchpad and some pencils, and so on and so forth.

Yesterday, however, I had the ultimate me date thus far….I caught my favorite singer’s concert on my own. It was a strange feeling at first, admittedly, and I came really, really close to not doing it but a friend of mine convinced me to go and she went on to say it would be quite liberating to actually do that. And she was right

Sure it would have been more fun to have had a friend along, but I realized that if I didn’t go and missed out on the concert (which I PRAYED for for SOOOO long!) that would make me more of a loser than having to have gone alone, right? It was a blast

I’ve written about Lenka several times already and in those posts I said that her music is just so happy and bubbly and you can’t help but smile when you hear it. Yes, even the songs that are kinda “sad” sound very, very optimistic and cheery.

So last night was an ultimate challenge thus far and I must say, it was well worth it. Happy happy joy joy.

Oh, and I have a new favorite song

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I fell asleep in my savasana today and found myself in a pretty, pretty open field. It was lush green and beautiful. Somewhere off from the field was a waterfall, I couldn’t see it much, but I could hear it playing it’s music. Then I saw me in the middle of that field, sitting in a lotus pose under the radiant glow of the sun.

And then a quiet voice whispered to me

Through your practice you have learned to root like a tree
You have found how to bend like bamboo
You have allowed yourself to flow like the water
You have felt yourself float like a cloud and release to the earth
You have spread your wings like a bird and soared to the sky
You have even discovered that it is indeed possible to be still in the middle of the storm.

It’s about time, however, you learn to be like  a lotus.
Like a lotus you can radiantly bloom even in the muddiest of waters
so stop wishing that things were clearer, or that you be somewhere else
because you are exactly where you are supposed to be
and what you have is exactly enough.

Just before class I had posted a status in my Facebook wall that said “today I wish… ” I hadn’t written down what it was I was wishing for, because it felt too grand and so I thought I’d keep it to myself. But the Universe knew better, I suppose, and reminded me that I need not wish for more because I have what I need right here, right now.

In the words shared by my teacher, svaha…so be it.

Oh the wonderfully beautiful things that happen in yoga class, I tell ya

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Today I ran into the girl with the purple feather in her hair and when she saw me with my short hair for the first time, she did a double take and exclaimed, “miss, what happened???” (she was a former student of mine, hence the miss). She goes on to say “it’s nice, but, whhhyyyy?????”. I just smiled back at her and she says, “I see….happy accident?”

Again, I simply smiled and said nothing else.

That simple conversation (if I can call it that) stuck with me the rest of the day and I got to thinking, yes, perhaps this hair cut is one of those happy accidents I tend to have. As I told the girl with the purple feather once when she had asked me about life and why crappy things happen to people, it just happens. It just does. Just because.

It’s kinda like an accident….you don’t mean for it to happen, you don’t plan for it to occur, nor do you wish it comes. It just does. The thing is, no matter how random, difficult, painful, shameful, or negative the accident was, somewhere down the line, you’ll be able to find something of value in that accident.

They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them. - Eeyore, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne

She didn’t seem to believe me at first, but when I told her all the good things that have come my way — my teaching jobs (both in the preschool and college), my enrollment in the graduate school program, the course I ended up with in college, blogging, yoga, and even the people I have met — all came from accidents, she kinda got what I meant.

None of those things were in my life plan. They just happened. Admittedly these were the more happy accidents I had encountered, but even those accidents that hurt to bits, all brought something good somehow.  Yeah it may take some time to see the good, but eventually I did.

So yeah, maybe cutting my hair was an accident to begin with. It was a random whim I did without knowing why. Sometimes when I look at the mirror and see my reflection without the long curly locks I had, I feel a wee bit sad and nostalgic and wish I hadn’t done it. But then I realize there’s no use wishing that because it’s over. It’s done. There’s no taking it back. As the saying goes, there’s no use crying over spilled milk, right?

I do know, however, sometimes when you spill that proverbial glass of milk, it’s okay to cry a little bit the because it happened. After all, it still is a form of a loss, right? But yes, there really is no use crying over the milk that had spilled because there’s no way you can un-spill it.

However, there are three things you can do after you accidentally spill that milk.

One, you can pour another glass of milk and try again.

Two, you can sure as hell either mop it up and redeem yourself.

And three, you can look closely at the secret picture this little puddle can bring. If you look close enough, it may just surprise you.

Oh…perhaps there’s one more thing you can do…a bit of all three. Then, perhaps, you can understand that it was a happy accident after all.

Photo: “Don’t cry over spilled milk” by Eric Hart, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

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Sometime ago I wrote a post about this pair of stilettos I fell in love with. I wrote about how, despite the pain it would give me, I kept wearing it every chance I got. Then one day I told a friend of mine that maybe it was time to get rid of those shoes and replace them instead. They hurt too much already, I had said.

Nothing brings more pain than too much pleasure - Benjamin Franklin

She wisely replied that sometimes you just need to put it aside and give your feet a break from it and not really throw them away or discard them. Maybe after a recovery period, she goes, the shoes won’t hurt so much. That made sense, after all, stilettos do tend to be unkind to the feet. And so I took her advice and lovingly placed those favorite pair of stilettos in its box and set it aside for the meantime.

And then I forgot about it.

Last week, however, I was rummaging for something to wear and came across those stilettos again and decided to wear it once more. It felt a little funny at first, to have them on my feet, but after some time, it did bring that warm feeling back to me and it made me smile. I wore those shoes the whole day and noticed that they didn’t hurt as bad anymore.

But then I made the mistake of wearing it three days in a row and then remembered why I put it aside in the first place. Maybe my friend was right when she said sometimes, we have those shoes that we wear once in a while but must not overuse as the feet need a time out to recover a day or two from wearing it.

And so for now, I put aside those shoes again, but not inside the box this time, but just on my shoe rack. That way I won’t forget it is there for me to enjoy every once in a while. But yes, this time I will remember not to wear out the pleasure it brings by forcing it upon my feet way too often. In the wise words of Benjamin Franklin, nothing brings more pain than too much pleasure.

I guess I was reminded today today is that maybe I should wear different shoes more often. Sometimes the occasion calls for a new pair of shoes, sometimes it allows for a reunion with an old one that was once very much loved. Sometimes, too, there is a need to just wear flip flops or something that offers casual comfort, just like an old friend.

Much as those pretty stilettos brings my much pleasure (and yes, I do enjoy the attention it brings!), I set myself up for pain in the end. Maybe if I wore them less often and in the right time (yes, I used to wear my stilettos even for preschool teaching, obviously not very wise, right?), they wouldn’t break as easily or hurt my feet so badly.

And yes, maybe if I gave my feet a break from those shoes more often, then maybe, just maybe, I can find myself walking through the day better.

Photo credit: “if the shoe fits” by Steven Leggett, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

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Nothing brings more pain than too much pleasure - Benjamin Franklin

Sometime ago I wrote a post about this pair of stilettos I fell in love with. I wrote about how, despite the pain it would give me, I kept wearing it every chance I got. Then one day I told a friend of mine that maybe it was time to get rid of those shoes and replace them instead. They hurt too much already, I had said.

She wisely replied that sometimes you just need to put it aside and give your feet a break from it and not really throw them away or discard them. Maybe after a recovery period, she goes, the shoes won’t hurt so much.  That made sense, after all, stilettos do tend to be unkind to the feet. And so I took her advice and lovingly placed those favorite pair of stilettos in its box and set it aside for the meantime.

And then I forgot about it.

Last week, however, I was rummaging for something to wear and came across those stilettos again and decided to wear it once more. It felt a little funny at first, to have them on my feet, but after some time, it did bring that warm feeling back to me and it made me smile. I wore those shoes the whole day and noticed that they didn’t hurt as bad anymore.

But then I made the mistake of wearing it three days in a row and then remembered why I put it aside in the first place. Maybe my friend was right when she said sometimes, we have those shoes that we wear once in a while but must not overuse as the feet need a time out to recover a day or two from wearing it.

And so for now, I put aside those shoes again, but not inside the box this time, but just on my shoe rack. That way I won’t forget it is there for me to enjoy every once in a while. But yes, this time I will remember not to wear out the pleasure it brings by forcing it upon my feet way too often.  In the wise words of Benjamin Franklin, nothing brings more pain than too much pleasure.

I guess I was reminded today today is that maybe I should wear different shoes more often. Sometimes the occasion calls for a new pair of shoes, sometimes it allows for a reunion with an old one that was once very much loved. Sometimes, too, there is a need to just wear flip flops or something that offers casual comfort, just like an old friend.

Much as those pretty stilettos brings my much pleasure (and yes, I do enjoy the attention it brings!), I set myself up for pain in the end. Maybe if I wore them less often and in the right time (yes, I used to wear my stilettos even for preschool teaching, obviously not very wise, right?), they wouldn’t break as easily or hurt my feet so badly.

And yes, maybe if I gave my feet a break from those shoes more often, then maybe, just maybe, I can find myself walking through the day better.

Photo credit: “if the shoe fits” by Steven Leggett, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

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Throughout the month of September I had Green Day’s song in my head. I don’t know what it is about September, but it seems (looking back) that I often find myself in shifting sands at this time of the year. Maybe its the sudden shift to the chilly weather, or perhaps, as a friend of mine pointed out, the fact that there is no pause between first and second terms in the school I teach in so there’s no time to get my head above water before plunging in again. Anyway, this September was extra difficult too, as I had that monkey on my back (aka the thesis) to contend with right? And so I found myself caught in extra deep waters for quite some time and the only thing I knew was that if I made it through September, I’d be fine.

So finally, September did end and I was really glad I got to end it with a yin yoga session that allowed me to get my head on back straight.  The next day, I went back to yoga class and told my vinyasa teacher that finally, I found my sunshine. I went on to say that I did know that I was still in that deep water and that the troubles that plagued me and the difficulties around me were still the same, but that I finally knew better…that despite that I was able to get my head above water and take a looooong deep breath that allowed me to gain clarity.

And so to usher in a fresh start, I decided to cut off all the old and restart. Literally.

I walked into a salon yesterday hair like this.

I told the hairdresser to chop it all off. He gave me this “oh-my-gawd-what-are-you-thinking???” look and asked me thrice if I was sure. I said yes. He asked why. I said I didn’t know and that it was just time.

And so he chopped. And I walked out with this…

“Change is not pleasant, But change is constant. Only when we change and grow, We’ll see a world we never know.” ~From Wisdom of The Orange Woodpecker

As I left I told him, in the words of Meredith Grey, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is…everything.

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There used to be a place where I would hideaway whenever my soul would feel tired and weary. However, last December, I had to bid my heart’s home farewell. I did realize, however, that even if the place was gone and things had changed, what it had brought to my life would never, ever change.

Despite that realization, however, I must admit that there are moments in time when I need to take a time out from the hustle and bustle of life to take a time out and just converse with my soul. While my beach weekends always brought me back to the core of me, I realized that these short trips I would take to just listen were just as meaningful to me. Last year after a particularly painful period of my life, I took a little road trip to Bag of Beans in Tagaytay and there I found the peace I was looking for. The drive, and everything that happened during the drive and in my brief stay there, really brought so much growth and healing to me. Since then I had found myself driving back to that coffee shop several times and each time I did,  I took away such precious gifts from it.

About two weeks ago, I found myself with that same restlessness once again and so I did what felt right. Right after yoga class, I got into my car and drove. I didn’t think I would end up in Bag of Beans (I had wanted to sit by the water in Nuvali instead and feed the koi) but the old familiar stirring in me just kept at it and so I went all the way to Tagaytay.

When I got there I was a wee bit disappointed because once more, they had rearranged the place and things were not the same. Not that it wasn’t nice, but I was looking for the comfort of the familiar. Sure there were bits and pieces that were the same, the food and hot chocolate was just as yummy, but still there was something different. I sat there for a good three hours,  occasionally having a tear or two roll down my cheeks, just listening to my soul and having my heart warmed with a few messages and reminders from some very special people in my life.

After about three hours, it suddenly started to rain, and I took that as a sign to pack up and leave. I left Bag of Beans less settled than I usually do and I tried to let that be but I guess I wasn’t paying too close attention to what it was telling me and because of it I messed up so many other important things around me by saying stupid things and doing things I knew better not to do. But then now, I guess, all I can say is I’m deeply, deeply sorry and that while I can never take it back (after all, as the saying goes, you can’t un-ring a bell), I can try to move forward and learn from those mistakes. It isn’t easy learning, but I’m sure I’ll get it someday.

In the meantime, I have to remind myself that sometimes, things just have to change. Perhaps that’s what my soul was trying to tell me that day I went to Bag of Beans and felt annoyed at the change that the place had once again. It was reminding me that I can’t always hold on so tightly to the familiar and keep running back to it when things aren’t good. In the same way, it was telling me that although there are certain facets that may change, what is essential, good and true, that remains steadfast and real, as long as I let it.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

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I often think Bubba has never really forgiven me for bringing Joe into the family

Much as they have learned to get along and they bring so much joy to me as a whole, I think there’s a little part of Bubba that changed because of my seemingly random decision. He seems less happy than he used to be. Then again, maybe he has just gotten old He still runs to greet me when I get home and he snuggles next to me like we used to but because Joe is around, he doesn’t stay next to me anymore like before. When we go out for walks, he tolerates his brother but I feel less of a “bounce” in his step.  Maybe it’s just my imagination but I just feel like I broke him somehow by taking in a new dog,  even though my purpose for getting a new dog was so he’d have company.

Yesterday, however, I decided to take Bubba out for a looooong walk, just him and me, like old times. When we got home, he readily greeted Joe and then went on as usual. At bedtime, however, he immediately went back to his old place in the bed, right next to me, and stayed there almost the entire night.

It was such a nice feeling to have him there, and this afternoon, when I took a nap, for some reason Joe decided to stay outside of the room and let Bubba and me be together, just the two of us, for a bit. We had a good hour and a half long nap and when I got up, it was the old familiar Bubba’s face I saw

I suppose he just needed some time to be reminded of his place in the family, yes?  It reminded me of how my sister would often joke me about my things making “tampo” when it is about to get replaced (remember how the lcd of that old nokia (or was it the motorola? the one that needed phased out rzr parts to be repaired? haha) suddenly broke on the day when I was complaining that the phone was ugly na and needed replacing??? nagtampo raw kaya nasira! haha). And so yes, maybe Bubba was feeling that way and so I decided that maybe from now on, I should take the boys out on their separate walks and special trips every now and then and not always at the same time. After all, this is often times a recommendation I make in my psychological evaluations and I always highlight how making each child (yes, I know my children are dogs but just go with it!!! haha) feel affirmed and reminded of their value.

I am hoping that I have a long weekend or break soon so I can take Bubba to the beach again…maybe that will do us some good…just him and me, like old times

I do look forward, however, to also doing little trips with just Joe. And more especially to those trips I can do with both my boys with me

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