Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate math…but when the equation goes a little like this, I guess I wouldn’t mind it much 
swoon, swoon, swoon…. And yes Sarah and Dani, thank you for saying I’m prettier than you know who…kahit na I forced you to do it lang mwahahaha!!!
Oh yes, the universe loves me today!!!
31/365
I have this friend who has a knack for posting the most perfect quotes just at the right time. Well, at least for me. Tonight, she posted yet another one that read:
Sometimes it just feels best to cry so our heart can express itself in a way that words cannot.-Lemony Snicket
So perfect after my day yesterday And yes, today was indeed a wonderful day. It’s not that things are all okay now, it’s more like I can see the sunshine come through again. All the tiredness and confusion that marked the past few days has dissipated and is now more sensible to me.
The downside to all this self-realizations and “me” time, however, is that I have lots of pending work to do that I had to put aside for the weekend. Oh well Will catch up during the week, I promise!!!
23/365
Today started out all wrong in all ways possible. For one, I slept on my side wrong, which kinda made my arm and neck hurt a wee bit. I woke up all tired, despite the fact I slept for much longer than I usually do. Secondly, I had a headache and a sore throat, most likely from being overly tired the day before. And lastly, I wasn’t doing too good emotionally either. I was feeling a sense of trepidation and dread, and I could feel my Dark Night hovering, waiting to pounce. And very sneakily she did come in….complete with the doubts, insecurities and irrational thoughts that would not be quelled no matter how much I tried. The thoughts were swirling but I couldn’t make sense of them.
So I did what I knew I had to do: I cried. I cried until my eyes hurt and my head felt swollen beyond description. At first it hurt so bad, it felt as if a vise was squeezing my heart until I was left breathless. But over time, the hurt dissipated and I felt like I could breathe again.
I realized that once again, I was overthinking things, taking on more than I should and allowing myself to get sucked in to things I shouldn’t get sucked into. I guess even though I am consciously trying to kick the habit of doing that, I still fall every once in a while.
I’ve talked a lot about this Dark Night in the past few weeks, and I guess, for those who are asking, I can fill you in better. In the not so distant past, I came face to face with my inner demons and had to make amends with them. During this period of depression, I was at a loss for who and what I was. As I became whole again, I found bits and pieces of wisdom that allowed me to become a better me. While I may have dealt with that episode in my life, I don’t think I will ever be free from ever feeling sad or lost from time to time. The difference now, however, is that I know how better to respond to it. My friend asked me once why I called it a Dark Night of the Soul. And I told her that that’s exactly what it felt like. Like you are trapped in a dark night where you are helpless and lost and in indescribable pain. In a post I wrote about it before, I said that it wasn’t until I came up close and personal to depression did it make sense to me. I honestly used to dismiss it as a sign of weakness and just plain illogical.
However, as I said in that old post,
If you ask me now to describe depression, I can say it is truly like, borrowing Thomas Moore’s description of sadness, depression and troubles that come into our lives, a dark night of the soul. It felt to me like one day I woke up and the sun was gone. In it’s place was a dark shadow, hanging heavily and ominously over every waking hour. Every day in that period of my life was a long, dark, starless night”.
If I were to give you a picture of what my depression was like, I would tell you to imagine a dark, heavy cloud in the sky, just like those sudden rain clouds that come out of nowhere on a bright day sky. It suddenly covers the brightness around and casts a greyness on everything. In the core of the cloud is a dense darkness where not even a sliver of light can pass through. The rest of the cloud is also dark, but of varying shades of gray.
During that dark night of my soul, I could not think or see straight. I stopped being who I was. In the midst of it, it was like standing in the eye of a storm. There was an eerie calmness while everything around spun like mad. The thing is, that calmness was only around when I was curled up in bed, pulled away from the world around me. Then, I finally understood what people with depression were saying. I started to realize it really was more than just mindset, or attitude.
Today I knew it was just a bad day and that I had it in me to understand what this feeling of a hovering darkness needed. As such, I tried my best to be still and remember that true happiness in more than just bright sunshine. After all, there is beauty in darkness, too. I end the day on a happier note knowing that I was where I needed to be today.
Read the full post of Dark Nights of the Soul here.
22/365
’nuff said. secret nga e! But….if you’re my Plurk friend, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about hehehe.
21/365
Well, this was technically yesterday’s thought bubble, but my brain is kinda running a day late. I blame in on….welll….nevermind!!!
I swear every time I give in to my not-so-secret love affair, my thoughts get all tangled up like spaghetti, and not just while it’s happening, but up to a day or two later!!! To be fair, I can be able to do the things I need to do well, I just feel like I’m watching it on time delay. However, yesterday, I had to burst out laughing when one of the little boys in my class was trying to tell me a story and for the life of me, I couldn’t keep up!!!Although….my friend Jen says she likes that giddy, spontaneous Ria that emerges hehe.
20/365
photo credit: Jen Aspacio of Marriage and Beyond
And so we meet again, my friendly foe This is soooo gonna be the death of my diet I swear. But as much as I am working on my becoming a Fat Girl No More (plus of course my Project Prettify Me!), this is the one thing I still haven’t found the heart to give up! Soda, gone. Rice, almost completely gone. Sweets, minimal if ever….but this…..I’m still in love. Even if I regret it the next day. Harhar.
19/365
We all know how much my Bubba is the highlight of my life, right? He makes all the tiredness, hurt, sadness and darkness in my life go away by simply being there beside me. I swear he’s super protective of me, and at times, kinda selfish. He hates it when I play with other dogs or things he thinks will take his place. For example, sometimes when I hug my pillow, he barks at it and tries to make siksik between me and the pillow. I promise this dog is so crazy!
Today, my cutie patootey niece Arianna was here at home again and although he and she got along just fine all afternoon, when Yanna woke up from her nap and came to me, he started barking!!! To be fair to Bubba, he never attacks, he just barks. Really loudly. Super seloso I swear!!! And so today’s thought bubble is dedicated to my Bugoy I bet that’s what goes through his mind whenever I show affection to something/someone else!
18/365
For the first time in many, many months, I can say I actually look forward to Mondays. For one, it’s my free day This term I don’t have classes on Mondays, so I don’t have to feel super rushed when we have meetings at our clinic. I no longer have to rush right after class and brave the traffic. Plus, now I get to do something extra fun on Mondays
Today, however, this happened: margarita lunch + shopping x credit card = what was I thinking?!?! mwahaha.
Then again, it was super, duper fun. That is priceless. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Okay maybe two
17/365
