Let it Go and Let it Be
In yoga class, my teachers often say something that strike a chord deep inside of me: let it go and let it be.
Sometimes this is said in the beginning, at times in the midst of the stillness of a pose, or perhaps in the presence of a challenging one, and always, always at the end of our practice. I never really stopped to think (which, for someone like me is a major accomplishment let me tell ya!) why it always tugs at my heartstrings, but today, as I sat under a tree in the park with Bubba just watching things go by, it dawned on me that those words mean a lot to me because it is one of the things I have been working on, but have never really allowed myself to master.
It dawned on me that many of my hurts, the struggles I contend with and the discomfort I feel in many situations is because I can’t let things go, either because of sentimental reasons or for that sense of security (no matter how false at times it may be) it seems to present to me.
I guess I’ve always been the type of person who looks for an explanation to things (err..yes, even if I hate evidence-based and empirical studies ergo research haha), without realizing that by searching, much like moving too quickly in a pond of still waters, I cause ripples that distort the picture. It’s just that I need to know and I need to be in the know all the time because not knowing simply makes me uneasy. I like the certainty of things and the clarity that a final answer gives. A definitive one for that matter.
In the same way, I’ve begun to realize that I hold on to things a little too tightly too often. Yes, like I said, I have difficulty opening up my hands and just letting go, trusting in the freefall and the uncertainty of things. I thrive on the routine of things, the assurance that habit gives me, and the comfort of knowing I can count on something that has become familiar already.
Losing that often throws me off like crazy and it makes me struggle even more. That’s perhaps why in the past few weeks I’ve been teetering back and forth, because of all the changes I have allowed into my life. Exploring the yogini side of me, for example, is one MAJOR change…allowing people to see me in that state of, um, vulnerability (I don’t know if that’s the right term but I’m going with it) and seeing me in something I have no control over and I am not the master of, egaaad. Opening up, in all sense of the word, has always been something I shunned. I was always happy in the background (well, unless I’m in the classroom) and just playing second fiddle to whoever and whatever is there, and so to let go and allow things to be, well, it’s been hard. In the same way, the ambivalence I feel about giving up my job, which ends in 14 days, is really causing me so much anxiety.
So today, as I sat in the quiet, with no phone, no Facebook, no laptop, I was made aware of yet things I have known all this time but never really trusted or allowed myself to believe in.
that words of need not be said for it to be true, even if you are unsure
that things need not to be explained even if it seems unclear or confusing
that everything happens for a reason, even when it is vague
that answers will come if you just wait, even if it seems to take too long
that saying nothing is better than saying something you can’t take back, even if it’s so hard to do
that letting things go is essential, even if it hurts so bad at first
that letting things be leads to comfort and contentment, even if it may not seem so, but with a wee bit of patience, it all falls into place.
And wouldn’t you know it…today before I stepped into the shower, I caught a glimpse of my tattoo and it dawned on me that that’s exactly why I ended up with my fairy letting go of butterflies held so tight once.
Open up your hands, your heart and your soul, Ri.
Let it go.
Let it be.
)
) and not I am one step closer to something I’ve wanted waaaay too long. Will blog about how it works and how it goes after Monday, ayt?