I really don’t know how to get out of this slump 
I keep falling back into it and though my head keeps telling me to pick myself up and just keep going, the heart is sooooo deeply stuck in this rut that the words seem to be so elusive. It isn’t fun, I tell ya. I’m tired of this vicious cycle. It’s eating me from inside out and if there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s not being able to get my thoughts together.
I have to figure this out.
Soon.
Last week, even though it may have been a little bit late here in the Philippines because of the yearly Metro Manila Film Fest (MMFF) that happens every Christmas time, I got to catch the press screening of the movie, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. As I said in my review, it was a great movie to start the year off with and I enjoyed it a lot, but something that struck me even before the movie was the trailer of the upcoming Tom Cruise movie, Rock of Ages. In one of the scenes they had the words “Find Your Passion” lit up in light bulbs flash on the screen. I was sorely tempted to take a photo of it with my cellphone but I was afraid one of those anti-piracy guys with those handheld security cameras would catch me and detain me for piracy so I held back the urge and just let myself remember that.
So while the Universe handed me out another bit of wisdom, I must admit it’s kinda hard to take in because right now, I don’t know what my passion is. I don’t even know what I wanna dream and hold on to anymore. In the meantime while I try to find that passion, I guess I have to just let things be. Yes? Sigh.
Today I ran into the girl with the purple feather in her hair and when she saw me with my short hair for the first time, she did a double take and exclaimed, “miss, what happened???” (she was a former student of mine, hence the miss). She goes on to say “it’s nice, but, whhhyyyy?????”. I just smiled back at her and she says, “I see….happy accident?”
Again, I simply smiled and said nothing else.
That simple conversation (if I can call it that) stuck with me the rest of the day and I got to thinking, yes, perhaps this hair cut is one of those happy accidents I tend to have. As I told the girl with the purple feather once when she had asked me about life and why crappy things happen to people, it just happens. It just does. Just because.
It’s kinda like an accident….you don’t mean for it to happen, you don’t plan for it to occur, nor do you wish it comes. It just does. The thing is, no matter how random, difficult, painful, shameful, or negative the accident was, somewhere down the line, you’ll be able to find something of value in that accident.
They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them. - Eeyore, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
She didn’t seem to believe me at first, but when I told her all the good things that have come my way — my teaching jobs (both in the preschool and college), my enrollment in the graduate school program, the course I ended up with in college, blogging, yoga, and even the people I have met — all came from accidents, she kinda got what I meant.
None of those things were in my life plan. They just happened. Admittedly these were the more happy accidents I had encountered, but even those accidents that hurt to bits, all brought something good somehow. Yeah it may take some time to see the good, but eventually I did.
So yeah, maybe cutting my hair was an accident to begin with. It was a random whim I did without knowing why. Sometimes when I look at the mirror and see my reflection without the long curly locks I had, I feel a wee bit sad and nostalgic and wish I hadn’t done it. But then I realize there’s no use wishing that because it’s over. It’s done. There’s no taking it back. As the saying goes, there’s no use crying over spilled milk, right?
I do know, however, sometimes when you spill that proverbial glass of milk, it’s okay to cry a little bit the because it happened. After all, it still is a form of a loss, right? But yes, there really is no use crying over the milk that had spilled because there’s no way you can un-spill it.
However, there are three things you can do after you accidentally spill that milk.
One, you can pour another glass of milk and try again.
Two, you can sure as hell either mop it up and redeem yourself.
And three, you can look closely at the secret picture this little puddle can bring. If you look close enough, it may just surprise you.
Oh…perhaps there’s one more thing you can do…a bit of all three. Then, perhaps, you can understand that it was a happy accident after all.
Photo: “Don’t cry over spilled milk” by Eric Hart, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved
There used to be a place where I would hideaway whenever my soul would feel tired and weary. However, last December, I had to bid my heart’s home farewell. I did realize, however, that even if the place was gone and things had changed, what it had brought to my life would never, ever change.
Despite that realization, however, I must admit that there are moments in time when I need to take a time out from the hustle and bustle of life to take a time out and just converse with my soul. While my beach weekends always brought me back to the core of me, I realized that these short trips I would take to just listen were just as meaningful to me. Last year after a particularly painful period of my life, I took a little road trip to Bag of Beans in Tagaytay and there I found the peace I was looking for. The drive, and everything that happened during the drive and in my brief stay there, really brought so much growth and healing to me. Since then I had found myself driving back to that coffee shop several times and each time I did, I took away such precious gifts from it.
About two weeks ago, I found myself with that same restlessness once again and so I did what felt right. Right after yoga class, I got into my car and drove. I didn’t think I would end up in Bag of Beans (I had wanted to sit by the water in Nuvali instead and feed the koi) but the old familiar stirring in me just kept at it and so I went all the way to Tagaytay.
When I got there I was a wee bit disappointed because once more, they had rearranged the place and things were not the same. Not that it wasn’t nice, but I was looking for the comfort of the familiar. Sure there were bits and pieces that were the same, the food and hot chocolate was just as yummy, but still there was something different. I sat there for a good three hours, occasionally having a tear or two roll down my cheeks, just listening to my soul and having my heart warmed with a few messages and reminders from some very special people in my life.
After about three hours, it suddenly started to rain, and I took that as a sign to pack up and leave. I left Bag of Beans less settled than I usually do and I tried to let that be but I guess I wasn’t paying too close attention to what it was telling me and because of it I messed up so many other important things around me by saying stupid things and doing things I knew better not to do. But then now, I guess, all I can say is I’m deeply, deeply sorry and that while I can never take it back (after all, as the saying goes, you can’t un-ring a bell), I can try to move forward and learn from those mistakes. It isn’t easy learning, but I’m sure I’ll get it someday.
In the meantime, I have to remind myself that sometimes, things just have to change. Perhaps that’s what my soul was trying to tell me that day I went to Bag of Beans and felt annoyed at the change that the place had once again. It was reminding me that I can’t always hold on so tightly to the familiar and keep running back to it when things aren’t good. In the same way, it was telling me that although there are certain facets that may change, what is essential, good and true, that remains steadfast and real, as long as I let it.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
Yesterday a dear, dear friend of mine offered me such wise words, as she very often does. While it may not be hers per se, it helped to be reminded of to go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and that there is peace in silence, and that while things may be difficult, to be at peace with all of the chaos that surrounds, knowing that despite all of this, it is still a beautiful world. And that there is reason to keep striving to be happy.
Yes, she reminded me of Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata.
And the part that meant the most to me was this…
Desiderata
Yes, Tink, be kind to yourself. Be still and know that despite feeling like you’re caught in the eye of a storm, everything is unfolding the way it should. Remember that always 
At the beginning of my soul work with my wise old sage not too long ago, she told me one thing. Ria, she says, please do this. When you feel uncertain or sad or as if you are standing on shifting sands, just sit with it. Don’t try to analyze it, don’t try to figure it out and most of all, don’t try to get out of it. Sit with it, get to know it, and welcome it for a bit, allowing it time and space to be.
errr…whuuut?
Yes, that’s how I answered her when she said that. After all, why on earth would I want to welcome such dark emotions, right? I am the girl of golden sunshine, remember? I thrive in the warmth of the sun’s embrace and darkness was always, always to be shunned.
Over time I realized what she meant. And so throughout our soul work I learned to sit with discomfort, but admittedly, there were days that were more of a struggle while some were easy.
These past few days have been exactly that and in my last few yoga practices, I had prayed for peace. For grace. For resolution. Then today I opened up a book that was given to me and this is what it told me:
Earlier this evening I was trying to figure out and analyze what’s been going on with me and around me and I guess I needed to be reminded to just sit with it, taking comfort in knowing that all these will pass, and more so, when it passes, it would have left me lessons that make me a better me.
I used to love sitting in my car and driving down familiar roads. Much as driving has never been a favorite task of mine, I have always loved the freedom being in my car afforded me. I could sit through hours of traffic and be okay, with or without the radio blaring. At times I liked singing along to the music that played, and at times I loved sitting in the quiet stillness of that space.
Until now.
Lately I dread it.
Lately it brings me to tears, literally.
Lately I find myself breathless and panicky.
Lately I become engulfed in thoughts that I can’t let go of and that eat me up inside.
Lately I feel trapped in my little prison with wheels.
In the past week and a half I have tried to find ways to not be in that car because for the most part, being in it makes me feel claustrophobic and sungit. Sigh.
Maybe its just a reaction to things. Maybe it’s hormonal or one of those low testosterone symptoms I read about in some website (yes, even women have that hormone in their bodies as men also have some levels of female hormones in them! no, I haven’t gone crazy just moody haha). It just feels like all the bravery and courage I used to hold in me has fizzled out and it’s leaving me all flustered, frustrated and oh-so-tired. Or maybe I’m just getting old. Sigh.
I miss driving in my car and just enjoying the ride.
I miss being in it, just by my lonesome knowing I am okay no matter what.
I miss sitting in the quiet with nothing else but the sound of my breath, slow and steady.
I miss being the me who I was in my car.
I miss my little haven, my sanctuary of quiet, a space that was all mine.
Today, just for today, I wish I can sail away to some far, far away place where I can just be. Where I can start over and not feel all frustrated and caught up in this whirlwind of thoughts and ideas that don’t make sense at all. A place where doubts and insecurities and feeling all invisible don’t exist.
I need an out.
I need a jump start.
I need ….
well maybe I just need to get back to work. Haha.
I’m so bored and tired.
