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In Transition

In the past month or so, I have come to accepting one thing: that I am in a stage of transition, lost somewhere between here and there, not knowing exactly where I am.

I'm that person who belongs neither here nor there, just floating in between. - author unknown

When it really started, I guess I don’t know, but I do realize that I have gotten to the point when I can say I cannot keep on being where I am or being too focused on the end goal alone. As my yoga teachers always say when I’m trying to learn a new asana: keep in mind that the destination or the final pose is not the only thing that matters, but that the journey to that asana is just as essential.

For the longest time I have been struggling with that: appreciating the ride to that final destination, that is. Although I must admit, I had welcomed the year with so much excitement and anticipation. What I did not realize, however, is that I had started out with so much expectations and a set of seemingly well-planned ideas that left very little for change, spontaneity, and in essence, for winds that blow elsewhere. As such, whenever I’d find myself in places where I did not expect to be, it would be difficult for me to respond. It doesn’t help too that finances are tight (maybe giving up my preschool job was not the brightest idea…haha) nor does it help that the economy isn’t getting any better. Writing my thesis (or at least trying to) isn’t helping much either, at this point in time. I just feel stuck, caught between that proverbial rock and a hard place, with no way out.

There are days when I wake up all hell-bent on finding the answers. There are those days when I just want to throw in the towel and say what the heck, why bother. And there are those days when I force myself to just grit my teeth and take a step forward, telling myself I will get to the finish line eventually. But I never really allowed myself to appreciate being right smack in the middle of the uncertainty and chaos, never recognizing that it too is an essential part of the journey.

It’s very much like how I feel about the bridge and wheel poses in yoga. I have always HATED the bridge because it’s soooo darned uncomfortable. The wheel, however, despite it being more difficult that the bridge, I fell in love with immediately. I realized, in one of those wonderful one-on-one sessions I had with one of my yoga teachers, that the reason I had so much dislike for the bridge is because of what it is: it’s right smack in the middle, not really here nor there. Let me put it this way, while on bridge, you’re not really up in the air nor are you really down on the ground, you’re halfway there and when I’m in that pose, I feel oh-so-choked and suffocated, longing so much to either slide back down to the ground or reach out my arms and push myself up high into the air, where I can feel free to breathe and just released from the all the tension. All or nothing, so to speak.

Transitioning, being stuck in the middle. That’s where I am right now, neither here nor there. This time, however, I am no longer in fear. I may still feel choked from time to time, but I realize now that no matter how overwhelming it may seem, there will always be enough room for me to wiggle in, to take in a breath and survive.

A dear friend of mine once wrote about being in this stage in life, and so I will try to remember what she said: breathe and enjoy the ride, knowing full well that all this (and life in general) is but momentary and fleeting. And most importantly, that being in the middle, being in the transition of things, is but laying putting to rest the old to make space for the creation of the new, neither one better, but both of value.

Neither here nor there…not playing it safe, not forcing things either. Rather, just letting myself float in between for the meantime, allowing things to unfold as it should.

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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw