i am woman, hear me rawr!

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. ~Mahatma Gandhi

I was once asked to describe a place where I felt most safe and happy and whole. The image that came to mind, and still very often does, is sitting by a beach, with the quiet movement of waves coming in and out to meet the shore and the warm golden sunshine warming me inside out. For a long time, whenever things would get too rocky or difficult, a quick trip to the beach puts everything back into place and when I return to my regular life after a quick side trip to the beach, I’d be okay. Even when I’m in my shavasana after a yoga practice, it is the sound of the waves that comes to calm me and lull me to a restful state where I find release and freedom from all that ails me. It is sitting by the ocean where things suddenly become so clear to  me, where everything just falls into place and makes sense. Yes, that’s how connected I was to the beach, and how much it has been a place of solace and comfort for me. It is where I can take a step back from the things that are happening, drop my guard, stop thinking and just be me.

A few days ago I told a friend of mine that I was surprised that I managed an entire summer (now that I think of it, six whole months!) without going to the beach (well, save for that one day I went to Subic and stayed by the waterfront, but that wasn’t a REAL beach, right? teeheeheee). She said something like perhaps I have really learned to breathe through whatever challenges I face (and believe me, these past six months have been SOOOO very challenging, at times so difficult I’d feel like I’d be at my wits end) and that I no longer need to run away or escape to the beach to feel safe.

Perhaps she was a bit right….that maybe I have learned really how to be still and steady in the midst of a storm, no longer needing to run to a safe haven because I have found some strength in me somewhere. And that perhaps, I have that in me to begin with. As my yoga teachers always put it, it’s finding that “back body” to fall into and retreat to to find more space to just breathe (while yes, they may mean that in a more physical realm but as I have learned to appreciate in this whole yoga practice, it’s more than just the physical).

Today it dawned on me even further that I really have slowly began to really understand and appreciate the value of silence. In the quiet solitude filled with nothing but the sound of my own breathing, I have found comfort and stillness. No, I haven’t decided to live a life of seclusion or have I opted to withdraw to a quiet little bubble where only I exist. All I mean is that now I have learned to speak when necessary and shut up when it’s more appropriate to do so. I will admit that I’m still working on the whole “just trusting in things even when they’re not said or seen or felt” as I still find myself questioning my place and purpose from time to time, but in a small way, I can feel more sure about where I stand more often than not. I do still crave affirmation and reassurance, mind you, but I’m beginning to know how to settle myself and just remember that sometimes the best things are said with no words at all.

I guess in essence I can say I have begun to grow up

And so while I still love the beach, and that will always be my shelter and home, I have learned what it means to be silent, still and steady, even right smack in the eye of a storm. I can take a step back, so it seems, even without moving and it’s so safe in there, but by stepping back, it doesn’t mean I run away.

Most importantly, in this silence, I have found clarity.

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I used to love sitting in my car and driving down familiar roads. Much as driving has never been a favorite task of mine, I have always loved the freedom being in my car afforded me. I could sit through hours of traffic and be okay, with or without the radio blaring. At times I liked singing along to the music that played, and at times I loved sitting in the quiet stillness of that space.

Until now.

Lately I dread it.

Lately it brings me to tears, literally.

Lately I find myself breathless and panicky.

Lately I become engulfed in thoughts that I can’t let go of and that eat me up inside.

Lately I feel trapped in my little prison with wheels.

In the past week and a half I have tried to find ways to not be in that car because for the most part, being in it makes me feel claustrophobic and sungit. Sigh.

Maybe its just a reaction to things. Maybe it’s hormonal or one of those low testosterone symptoms I read about in some website (yes, even women have that hormone in their bodies as men also have some levels of female hormones in them! no, I haven’t gone crazy just moody haha). It just feels like all the bravery and courage I used to hold in me has fizzled out and it’s leaving me all flustered, frustrated and oh-so-tired. Or maybe I’m just getting old. Sigh.

I miss driving in my car and just enjoying the ride.

I miss being in it, just by my lonesome knowing I am okay no matter what.

I miss sitting in the quiet with nothing else but the sound of my breath, slow and steady.

I miss being the me who I was in my car.

I miss my little haven, my sanctuary of quiet, a space that was all mine.

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A few months ago I got so into making all those personalized products like note pads, pillow cases, and even dog tags and umbrellas online. It was via one of those online photo sharing sites and I enjoyed making a lot of them especially since I got to make use of my favorite photos and designs. Add to that was the fact that there were a whole lot of ready made templates that made designing my own products so easy. Although I ordered items that were mostly just for me and Bubba,  I realized now that they would also make great promotional products for small businesses and the like. It can even be great for party giveaways and tokens!

Now that a new school year is starting (one that I sadly am not part of ) I was telling my former co-teacher that it might be a good idea to order customized pens or bags or even those promotional key chains with the logo of the school as little tokens for the new enrollees or what not. It could serve as a great way to get the school’s image out in the open a little bit more. Of course the idea came a little bit to late, but she said maybe when it’s time to order Christmas goodies or perhaps graduation materials throughout the school year, she could try ordering these things instead of having the teachers make the little souvenirs we used to do. When we were computing it, it actually comes out more reasonable to actually order these things and it’s much more practical in terms of time and resources.

This is one of the many things I miss about being in the preschool…making things that are so cute and commemorate every little occasion that the preschoolers go through. Lucky for me I still am good friends with our school directress, as well as the teachers that I used to work with, so maybe even if I’m not officially employed this school year with them, I can still participate in these little things every now and then

Hmmm….this got me to thinking….maybe I should just go into party planning…whatchathink??? I’d make lots of cutesy giveaways! All I’d really need is my computer, a good internet connection and lots of creativity on board….lemme think about it!!!

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The other day in yoga class we (my teacher and classmates) were kidding around about how work keeps getting in the way of time for our practice. It’s true…since I went back to work, I’ve missed so many days of yoga class whereas during my vacation, I went almost every day! Well, 30 days straight to be exact. My teacher then quipped “don’t go to work anymore, let’s just yoga!”.  We all had a good laugh and then after a while, one of the girls said, ya know, honestly, I’d just really like to cut hair. Another one said she wanted to do something very different from her line of work too and I said that for me, I really wanted to paint walls.  I wanna paint them with bright brilliant colors and with pretty, pretty designs like butterflies and flowers and the like….kinda like this one, which is actually my bedroom wall

Pretty right? My mom was a little upset that I painted on the wall (but it’s just poster paint so she kinda chilled after a bit haha) and said I should have just painted on a canvas or a paper then scanned it and had it enlarged so that those tarpaulin or flyer printing companies can print it and install it in my door. That way it’s not permanently on the wall and I can take it should I decide to move out and get my own place. Of course it’s a little too late for that now, but in hindsight, she’s right

Anyway, going back to my point…if I had a say in things, and if I could afford to do something other than the work I do now, I would really, really love to paint walls.

If you had a choice, what would you do? Care to share?

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