i am woman, hear me rawr!

At the beginning of my soul work with my wise old sage not too long ago, she told me one thing. Ria, she says, please do this. When you feel uncertain or sad or as if you are standing on shifting sands, just sit with it. Don’t try to analyze it, don’t try to figure it out and most of all, don’t try to get out of it. Sit with it, get to know it, and welcome it for a bit, allowing it time and space to be.

errr…whuuut?

Yes, that’s how I answered her when she said that. After all, why on earth would I want to welcome such dark emotions, right? I am the girl of golden sunshine, remember? I thrive in the warmth of the sun’s embrace and darkness was always, always to be shunned.

Over time I realized what she meant. And so throughout our soul work I learned to sit with discomfort, but admittedly, there were days that were more of a struggle while some were easy.

These past few days have been exactly that and in my last few yoga practices, I had prayed for peace. For grace. For resolution. Then today I opened up a book that was given to me and this is what it told me:

Earlier this evening I was trying to figure out and analyze what’s been going on with me and around me and I guess I needed to be reminded to just sit with it, taking comfort in knowing that all these will pass, and more so, when it passes, it would have left me lessons that make me a better me.

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I spent the afternoon at the Ateneo med school and I couldn’t help but wonder where I’d be now if I had pursued my dreams of becoming a doctor, as I originally planned when I stepped foot in college. It’s not that I regret becoming an educator and a psychologist, mind you, but I couldn’t help but think to myself, what if as I sat there watching these students come in and out in their white uniforms and all. It got me to thinking, about how vastly different things would be. Would I be happier and more content, perhaps? Would I feel more fulfilled and sure of myself? Will the questions and uncertainties that all too often gnaw at me nowadays be the same? Will I perhaps be less of the kikay fashionista that I am and be dressed in more sensible outfits? In the same breath, would my heels and penchant for dangly earrings, chunky necklaces and tanzanite rings be replaced with simple flats and pearls instead? Would I have shunned my creative self for the more logical self in me, perhaps? More so, would I love the me I would be more than the me I am now?

I guess I’ll never know, right? And perhaps there is no one answer to that. It’s just interesting that these thoughts came right at the heels of a nightmare that really threw me off yesterday. Add to that, on the way to yoga class when I woke up, I was listening to the Morning Rush on RX 93.1 as I often do and something the DJ’s said caught my ear. They were talking about the butterfly effect and how a simple fluttering of a butterfly’s wings can cause ripples that affect even a world away. It resonated so much with my dream where I did something so randomly and it caused a great ripple effect that changed the course of soooo many things.

So today as I sat there, watching the students, observing their little differences and admiring their shoes and bags, thinking to myself how all these little things, if changed for one reason or another, can alter the course of so many other things. Random thoughts, I know. Serves me right for not sleeping too well, I suppose haha.

At the end of the day, however, one thing became clear to me. I do have no regrets about the choices I’ve made, even if they aren’t always pleasant and fun. I guess at the end of it all, despite all the twists and turns, in spite of all the ups and downs, and even if I find myself gaining weight or with goldfish eyes every now and then, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I may not like it at times, after all is said and done, I guess I do like where I am.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am. ~Sylvia Plath

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Yes, I know it only happens once every 100 years but I was so sick I couldn’t even get out of bed so I had to miss the grand De La Salle University 100 years of La Sallian presence in the Philippines bash. Sadness. Although, yeah, I’m not really a full-fledged La Sallian (um, my undergrad degree is from UP after all, and my graduate school degree is still pending even after all this time toink), but I still love being part of that community.

Many do not know this about me, perhaps, but when I was applying for college, DLSU was my top choice of schools. That’s where I really, really wanted to go. Most of my family came from there too, so it was really what I was expecting for myself. I did pass the entrance exams to the University and I was set to enroll there when my lolo gave me such an interesting proposition that I could not turn down.

Because I also passed the entrance exam to UP (which, at first, I only took because the rest of my batch took it), he said, why  not go there. My mom was a little surprised, actually, because during her time, my grandfather was adamant about her not going there. Anyway, he went on to talk about how many people take that test and how so many do not make it and there I was, giving up a golden opportunity. To sweeten the deal he said, okay, how about this…your choice: if you go to DLSU, well and good. I will support you. If you go to UP, well and good. I will support you. And give you a car to go there.

Errr…hello… Choice clear, right?

Sure we did not have air conditioned classrooms, a well-organized and stocked library or a dlp projector installed in every classroom, but I learned so much there and I loved it very much.

Years later, however, I fulfilled my dream of studying in the Green School by enrolling in the Clinical Psychology program of the Psychology Department for my graduate studies. Suffice it to say it has opened up so many doors for me in countless ways. For one, because of that choice and the way things fell into place, I ended up being part of the faculty of the psychology department and I love how this has made me such a better person.

While I may not completely bleed green, as the call it, I am honored to call myself a La Sallian. I am thankful for the many opportunities the University has given me and I am even more grateful for the family I have gained because of it.

And so though I missed the Centennial Celebration, I join my fellow La Sallians in saying, ANIMO LA SALLE!

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Over lunch today I did the unthinkable (kidding! it’s just so…anti-Ria, haha): I read a journal article (cue the hallelujah chorus teeheeheee).

Granted it has nothing to do with my thesis, I got to reading an article about the downside of happiness. One may think that perhaps its such an oxymoron to say that happiness can actually be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, afterall, isn’t happiness supposed to be a good thing?

Anyway the article discussed points that kinda resonated with me, especially now thar I have learned to appreciate the darker side of things. The bottom line of that paper was that like anything, too much of happiness, especially in the wrong context and at the wrong time, can likewise be detrimental as it can contribute to poor judgment and inappropriate behaviors. Although the positive contributions of happiness is far reaching and highly beneficial, what I take from this is really the value of recognizing and appreciating emotions for what they are, good or bad. Interestingly, just this morning I read an article in one of my favorite sites, the Tiny Buddha, about the value of recognizing emotions and not apologizing for them ever.

Synchronicity I tell ya.

And so what I took from that very serendipitous lunch, if I could call it that, is the fact that sometimes, painting on a smile so you don’t have to explain why your sad works, and perhaps this is what people mean when they would say fake it till you make it . But more than that, I was reminded that sometimes, it’s okay to not smile because things are not okay, and you don’t really have to explain, define or deconstruct why it’s so. It just is. And that’s fine.

Yes, this is me embracing the darkness and walking in the rain, knowing full well that both dark and light, sun and rain have their own place in my life. More so, that I am all the better because they both are there.

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Over lunch today I did the unthinkable (kidding! it’s just so…anti-Ria, haha): I read a journal article (cue the hallelujah chorus teeheeheee).

Granted it has nothing to do with my thesis, I got to reading an article about the downside of happiness. One may think that perhaps its such an oxymoron to say that happiness can actually be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, afterall, isn’t happiness supposed to be a good thing?

Anyway the article discussed points that kinda resonated with me, especially now thar I have learned to appreciate the darker side of things.  The bottom line of that paper was that like anything, too much of happiness, especially in the wrong context and at the wrong time, can likewise be detrimental as it can contribute to poor judgment and inappropriate behaviors. Although the positive contributions of happiness is far reaching and highly beneficial, what I take from this is really the value of recognizing and appreciating emotions for what they are, good or bad. Interestingly, just this morning I read an article in one of my favorite sites, the Tiny Buddha, about the value of recognizing emotions and not apologizing for them ever.

Synchronicity I tell ya.

And so what I took from that very serendipitous lunch, if I could call it that, is the fact that sometimes, painting on a smile so you don’t have to explain why your sad works, and perhaps this is what people mean when they would say fake it till you make it . But more than that, I was reminded that sometimes, it’s okay to not smile because things are not okay, and you don’t really have to explain, define or deconstruct why it’s so. It just is. And that’s fine.

Yes, this is me embracing the darkness and walking in the rain, knowing full well that both dark and light, sun and rain have their own place in my life. More so, that I am all the better because they both are there.

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I have come to appreciating bedtime prayers more and more lately. I’m thankful for that, I must say. Although my prayers from childhood have changed so very, very much, tonight my heart is a little wistful as it remembers someone I love so dear…my lolo. Growing up he was a father figure to me as my papa had to work abroad and so he filled in those shoes and made sure we always knew someone  had our backs.

One of the things he always told me was to never go to bed without saying goodnight to the people I love, and so to this day, I make sure of that. Whether it’s through a phone call or a text message, a whispered prayer for those who are far away, or even a Facebook note, I make it a point to end my day with a good night wish for those I love. After that, he said, be sure to pray. And this is what he taught me

Every now and then, on nights with skies so black & mildly frightening as rains literally and metaphorically come my way, I whisper this little prayer and feel that he’s right there again by me, reminding me that everything will be okay.

Tonight is one of those nights, as I miss him a little more than usual. I’m trying to think of him with just enough love and light, then to drop it and know that that’s enough, as I have learned to do, but it isn’t as easy as usual. And so instead I’ll pray.

Before that I just must say….I miss you oh so very much, my dear Lolo. Happy Daddy’s Day.

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As I mentioned in my past posts, one of my favorite features in Sammy (my dual LCD Samsung camera) is the fact that I can take great selfies because of the front LCD feature the camera has. This dual screen, coupled with the Beauty Shot setting of the Samsung 2View Cameras, makes for the best self-portraits because you can actually see what you’re capturing, rather than the usual “let’s see if we all fit in the frame while I hold this camera in front of us” style others have to settle for with single LCD cameras.

Samsung 2View Cameras

Just recently, Samsung gave two lucky Facebook fans a Samsung 2View Camera each. Sadly I was not one of them, haha. In any case, they have a great new promo now highlighting their goal to say goodbye to bad shots forever! By simply joining their Bye Bye Bad Photo contest, you can have the chance to win one of three Samsung ST700 cameras. The mechanics are simple:

With a Samsung 2View camera, you can definitely say bye bye to bad photos like my contest entry:

Davao Jump Shot Fail!!!

We all know how hard it is to get a good jump shot, right? Especially when it’s a group jump shot! This is a classic example of that difficulty—if you agree with me do vote for my entry haha! Anyway, my friends and I were in Davao a couple of years ago and we tried our best (I should say bestest haha) but to our dismay, we could not get a decent jump shot. With the Jump shot feature of the Samsung 2View, everyone can jump at the right time because it has a visual count down on the front LCD so everyone can anticipate the exact moment to jump. It also takes three shots in quick succession to capture that exact moment.

Besides eliminating failed jump shots, the Samsung 2View camera also features a Child mode which captures kids (especially babies!) attentions so they look straight at the camera rather than all over the place.

SO….do you want your own Samsung 2View? Dig up Wrong Angle, Jump Shot Fail and Baby Gets Bored shots and log on to their Facebook page and join now Good luck!!!

click and join now!

If you won one of these cameras, how would you make the most of this unique 2view feature??? Do share your ideas by leaving me a comment!

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On the way home from a yoga talk I went to earlier today, a song suddenly played in my head. It was one that Syesha Mercado sang in last years American Idol season called A Change is Gonna Come. The part that kept on playing in my head (oh, and mind you I was sitting in silence when the song suddenly played in my head) goes a little something like this:

There been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long
But now I think I’m able to carry on
It’s been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

The song got even more stuck in my head prolly because that’s what I’ve been reminding myself too…that no matter how much I hate change, its gotta happen. And all I can do is adjust to it, right?  Earlier today a dear friend of mine had pointed out that I have learned so much about being still and silent. I was telling her kasi that many times yesterday I wanted to text her and just complain about things that were challenging me (such as my leaky roof, the rain that won’t stop, people that annoy me and stuff…random things to complain about) but that I had made a conscious choice to not click on the send button. I told myself to just let it be and to take a step back and allow myself to believe and trust that things would fall into place. In the talk I went to, I was made more aware of my behaviors and reactions that are on autopilot and I guess the song happened to drive that point home: that a change is gonna come. Correction, it HAS to come. I’ve already started this, I guess, such as in the way I eat and my conscious effort to working on becoming a Fat Girl No More, and even in the way I do my yoga practice. I suppose it’s time to extend this by perhaps doing little things, like finally going to French classes and doing my thesis, or maybe exploring other things I’d like to do in my life while I’m still young enough for these options, such as looking into medical assistant school, or perhaps a creative writing program, that can allow me to take on new directions in life. Maybe this can be more grand, such as the way I manage relationships and play my life roles. Who knows…all that’s clear right now is that a change is gonna come. One way or another, it’s coming

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