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Memories of Milk and Honey

Today I took the day of from my 30 day yoga challenge. I heeded to the advice of my yoga teachers, to take some time off to really rest because I have been pushing myself a little too much and because of it, I kinda overstretched my right ankle and hamstrings. It’s not really THAT painful, but, yeah, it hurt enough to keep me down. Being forced to slow down, and reminded to listen to my body (and the rest of me, for that matter) I realized I have been keeping myself so incredibly busy once again because I was trying to run away from feelings that have been stirring up in me…and as always, they’re the not-so-nice feelings…doubt, insecurities, guilt…in my heart I know they are unfounded but my head kinda gets to me every now and then. And so being forced to be still and in the quiet (and um, let’s not forget my television is still broken because I’ve been too lazy to have it fixed!!!), I was left with nothing else but to face myself and admit to the things I was hiding from…
…the fear of what comes next as I face the fact that the school year is coming up real soon and I don’t have that familiar comfort of my classroom anymore all of which tap into the scared child who is just so damned afraid of losing and being left behind…
…the frustration that creeps in because by giving up the familiar I know have no idea what I’m doing or who or what to turn to anymore…
…the insecurity I feel because many times I feel like I don’t know myself anymore, or the world around me for that matter, what with all the changes that have been going on to me and the people and things surrounding me…
…the doubts that are stirred up because of all these changes…
…the green-eyed monster that is eating me up inside because of many things…
…the angry little girl in me who wants to throw a tantrum because she is just so inis already…

Gah…I can barely hold coherent thoughts as there’s just so much going on inside this little head of mine.

Anyway, I did my best to be still all morning but then out of the blue, I remembered a birthday present I received from my friend for a spa day. Ooooh…and so I booked it and went.

I had a luxurious body scrub, wrap and massage. Two and a half hours of pure pleasure. During the wrap, however, I felt tears come to my eyes as the masseuse rubbed the solution on me…it was made of milk and honey and as I smelled that old familiar scent, images of breakfasts with my lolo came to mind. It tugged at my heartstrings a bit because I missed him oh so very much all of a sudden. I remembered how it felt to be safe and secure in his unconditional love and to just know I did not need to change anything to feel that way. No, I did not need to lose weight (haha although he did offer to pay for weight loss treatments like Lipofuze if I WANTED it), or do better in school, or not wear my heart on my sleeve a little to much. I could just be me. I could say what I wanted, I could make mistakes, I could be a brat and it would be okay.

Sigh.

As I drifted off to sleep wrapped in that plastic bubble of milk and honey, I dreamt of him…and he reminded me that even if he no longer is here, he is always in my heart and that no matter what, I am okay.

I miss you Lolo.

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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw