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Facing Off With Fear

I will be the first to admit that I may not be the most fearless person out there, especially when it comes to addressing change or opening myself up to people I meet, but when it comes to taking charge or control of situations, I generally am able to stare down fear in the face and come out on top. I can, for example, be the most calm person in an emergency. I don’t buckle in fear when faced with danger, and in fact, can be the one to solve the problem. I’d prolly be the first to sky dive off of a plane too, if given the opportunity. That kind of challenges that many people fear, I love.

I guess my point is that for the most part, I can be level headed and in control, boxing up my feelings at least during tense situations, even if I feel somewhat anxious or antsy about things. While people panic, I am able to allow the fear to pass before dealing with my feelings about the situation bursting out in tears. So when people would describe how they felt frozen with fear during a tense situation, whether or not there was a clear or imminent threat, I could never understand it.

Well, until today, that is.

Today I found myself sitting in my car, frozen in fear, breathless, in cold sweat, with tears in my eyes, palpitating, and if I had looked in the mirror, I bet I would have seen a face that was white as a sheet. Yes, complete and utter fear despite there being no imminent danger, except for the conditioned fear in my heart. Gah….so that’s what a panic attack feels like, and what it does to you.

So there I was, face to face with a fear I had never known before, and I lost. Or so I believed.

I do, realize, now that the moment has passed, that I didn’t really lose, and that reacting the way I did just made me remember I am human after all, fallible, emotional, and at times, in need of a hand to hold rather than being the one giving a hand to hold. And that most of all, it’s okay to be that way.

And so today I panicked. I lost control for a moment, went on a wee bit of a freefall, but I did come out on the other side unscathed. Shaken, but unscathed.

Now I have a new face for fear, perhaps even a bit of a new-found respect for it. It used to be so foreign to me, all but a conceptI discuss in class —phobias, fear, anxiety, trauma. For my Clinical Psych classes I am even able to go into detail as to what interventions are best and how to help people through it. But during that moment, earlier today, my heart forgot everything my head knew. But because of that, I understand it now.

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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw