A few days ago I found myself flailing once again in a sea of uncertainty, feeling lost and caught in the trappings of a life that simply did not have enough joy or things to look forward to. Or so I thought. I was done, I had said. I’m tired. Enough already.
Oh, this came a day before my little road trip to the Chapel on the Hill, so…yeah, drama.
I was just feeling frustrated with having to be responsible for so many things, tired of being pleasant and supportive or simply being there for people who didn’t really matter much, and somewhere in there was a stirring of anger as well. Anger because I felt no one was understanding me. And yes, that little insecure girl inside of me was once more whispering that I prolly didn’t matter much to people around me in the first place.
With a bit of a weary heart, I headed of to the St. Alphonsus Mary De Liguori Parish in Magallanes to pay my respects to my cousins’ grandmother who had passed the day before. When I arrived at the church, my cousins were just starting doing the customary Stations of the Cross and they invited me to join in. As I went through the different stations, being reminded of that sacrifice Jesus made, I couldn’t help but feel his presence and His comfort touch my heart. When I reached the 7th station, all that feeling of being useless and tired and weary just went away. I was reminded of why I do what it is I do….that even if I feel like this little blip on a radar that doesn’t matter at all, I am not after all.
The 7th station is that of the second fall of Jesus and in which Simon comes and helps him carry the cross. The reflection prayer for that station read:
And so the Lord toinked me, right?
I was reminded (but mind you I wasn’t listening yet!) that yeah, I may feel tired every now and then, frustrated and feeling embittered that I feel unloved and remembered (after all, every once in a while it would be nice to come home to a surprise on my table, like lets say one of those bouquets from that Louisville flower delivery website I keep looking at, or perhaps with a gift for no particular reason haha), but that there is a reason for all of this and if I let go of that notion, things will not be so frustrating for me. And that’s only when I can find meaning in what it is I do.
So I decided to rework my life mantra that night (and the day that followed, I must say):
No, not anymore the way I was quitting earlier on but this time, I am quitting the histrionics (but, true, do expect some drama every now and then haha)
From now I have decided to live simply, speak kindly, care deeply, love generously, forgive readily, release attachment to results and be grateful no matter what