i am woman, hear me rawr!

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. ~Rabindranath Tagore

I’ve been thinking (gah I should stop thinking I swear) maybe the reason why I never feel like I’ve found my “home” is because I really don’t belong anywhere to begin with.

Let me put it in context. As I said in a recent post, I am perhaps the epitome of irony of all ironies and the embodiment of what polar opposites really are.

People who know me (those who really, really know me I must say) would probably attest to the fact that I so hate change. I don’t deal with it well and I respond to it poorly…to the point that when change is coming, I tend to wrap myself up tightly into old familiar cocoons of safety, waiting for the danger to pass. However, in as much as I hate change, I have begun to realize that in the dark recesses of my shadow, I crave it to bits.

And today I so want a change. I need a change. DESPERATELY.

On no no no, this does not mean I am finally going to give in to the call of greener pastures in foreign lands nor does this mean totally abandoning who I have become. I believe, after all, that all these are essential elements of who I am.  I just need a change from the daily routine of things that have become just that: a routine. A tired old routine that’s not mine to begin with.

And so back to what I was thinking…maybe thats why i got a fairy tattooed on my back. i am a… gypsy at heart, a nomad who never really has a home in one place, but finds it in random places, never forever but just for a time.

Yes, maybe it’s time to spread these gypsy wings and look for new fields to land on.

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Forever 21 in Makati + Chilis in Greenbelt = keeeeeeeel me now.

Yes, two days to go till permanent credit card death for Yapatoots, I tell ya. I think if you’ve been reading my blog long enough you will know how much I have fallen in love with F21 and how often I spend my me days in Chilis for lunch. The only thing I was never able to do (well, except once) was have both these places in one location so I can go to it on the same day.

Well, thanks to SM Makati and Ayala Malls, I get the best of both worlds. Now if only my wallet can say the same thing. Hmmm….any one wanna give me an F21 gift card? I still have one of those Triple Play coupons for Chilis…that would be a great way to end my birthday cheat week. Anyone, anyone?

Haha. Forever 21 Makati is located by SM department store and if I’m not mistaken, is accessible via the Glorietta malls as well.

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It still surprises me to this day that many of the things I love the most are also the things I fear the most. The beach, for example, is my haven, a sanctuary, the place my heart and soul call home, but in the same breath, it where my biggest hurts and fears were born. Talk about polar opposites….beyond the safety and calm the ocean brings me whenever I am around it, embraced by the warmth of the sun and nestled safely in the comfort of the sand in the shore, I know of the hidden dangers that lie right beneath…a sudden riptide, creatures that sting, and a depth that perhaps I can never fathom.

In the same way, I fear the dark, quiet stillness of night when there is nothing left but me and silence, but in my heart of hearts, it is where I find peace and contentment, but only after letting go and surrendering to the fear can I find that. And so while being alone was always something I fear and it hurts me to bits at times, the quiet solitude and silence of being with just me is where my heart is most at home.

Polar opposites, I tell ya.

I used to think my goal should be to find a way to get rid of the fear and to put away the dislike for these not-so-good-sides. But then over the past year, I have come to realize that one, it’s impossible to do that and two, it’s pointless to even try because both sides are of equal value and potential. As my yoga teacher once put it, equanimity.

And so as I mark the start of a new year in my life, I have decided to stop just embracing the bright sunlight that comes my way and shunning the dark coldness of a night storm. I am making it a point to make each day count, no longer naming them good days or bad, but knowing full well that they both are necessary to be able to see the brilliant beauty of a rainbow. Like they always say, there is a rainbow that comes after a storm, right?

I have come to realize, however, that I should stop chasing these rainbows and trying to find the proverbial pot of gold at the end of it, or perhaps wishing to find that (as the song goes) somewhere over the rainbow. I have decided that maybe struggling in the storm —scratch that, I have begun to understand — does me no good but just leaves me tired and weak but it I just wait for it to pass, I can appreciate the rainbow even more when it comes. In essence, I have come to believe that by simply being right where I am, no matter what, is where I’m supposed to be.

So for this year I have decided to honor each and every day that comes my way. I couldn’t think of a better way to start in than by making a craft box for my thirty-second year to fill with daily reminders of what is essential in life.

To all those who were part of the year that had just ended, in whatever small or big way it was, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And to those who have left indelible marks in my life, I am eternally grateful.

Here’s to a new year ahead

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