Just Go With It

I’m praning.

Yes…I’ve never really been very good at just trusting in a process unless I know what it entails or believing in what people say unless there is proof.

That’s why I do very good at work and the whole bureaucracy of things. Even though I don’t like having to deal with red tape and the pasikot-sikot of things, and though I may complain or throw a fit, I go do it, because I know that’s how a process works. But when it comes to dealing with my emotions, and consequently, relationships, I’ve never been good at trusting the process, to just go with it. That’s also why I don’t let people come close.  I would always search for evidence, or ask for reassurance, or find ways to seek that at least.  I’d need to be told and validated. Often.

And so in the absence of evidence, or when things suddenly change, or when I don’t feel validated and sure, I find myself completely and utterly lost.

I guess it’s because I always tend to second guess myself and wonder why things are the way they are, especially when it comes to just trusting in people’s motives and authenticity. Granted that old wounds and deeply rooted scars play a big role in that, it also comes from that little voice inside my head that taunts me, telling me are you sure all the time. Sometimes it cajoles me into thinking that people think badly of me or that they think poorly of me, even if there is no logical reason for me to think that way. At it’s worst, it tells me I am not liked (errrr…yes, like that song: nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some worms…haha…random much :)). Then what happens is I get stuck in that until someone pulls me out and knocks some sense into me.

I always used to chalk that up to my constant need for affirmation, but tonight as I drove home, it dawned on me that perhaps its more of a need for approval and not just affirmation (although, yes, they may stem from the same thing) that drives me crazy. Well, I guess that it’s both of them in collusion that makes me feel like I am on slippery slopes from time to time, especially when I am faced with something new and unfamiliar.

It hit me that up to now, the need to be liked and approved of is still very important for me. It’s something that I guess I have not been able to let go off…self doubt. That was the biggest challenge, I suppose. It’s not that people weren’t approving of me, or that I wasn’t appreciated or loved, but that I wasn’t approving of myself as I continuously questioned myself and blamed myself over and over.  I’m still struggling, I guess, to just the trusting that at the end of the day, I am liked, loved and approved of even when I screw up (or when I think I screw up because apparently, many times I don’t haha).

And the thing is, it isn’t always coming from others, but it comes from me. Bottom line, I suppose, what I’ve realized is that I really just have a hard time believing in myself and in my place (whether this be at work, with family, with friends…in general!) under the sun. Let me put it this way: when I got the results from my comprehensive exam, and saw that 3 out of the 5 scores were rated excellent and the other two high pass (which were the two highest possible ratings), I had to talk to the program adviser to ask her if she was sure I got the right grades. Yes, I was that paranoid.In the same way, I try to seek what is familiar and sure, just so I can feel validated. In many ways, up to now, that’s how I navigate through things…I look for the approval of many, giving myself credit only when I get that. However, these past few weeks I have been wading in both shallow and not-so-shallow waters, mainly because I am losing many things that are familiar to me…”Teacher Ria” for one, the certainty of a monthly paycheck even if it isn’t much, the comfort of routine….and so I started to question, kick and scream (well, metaphorically).  However, as I had to navigate that waters there’s one thing I came to learn: to believe. Just believe.

The light of starry dreams can only be seen once we escape the blinding cities of disbelief. ~Shawn Purvis

I’ve come to realize that believing doesn’t mean no questioning at all, but that the questions come more as wondering in curiosity but no longer in constant search of a definition. I’ve begun to understand that to believe means yes, you still look for signs and you don’t just leave it all up to fate, but that you don’t get fixated on looking for it because I miss out on what is right there. And most of all,to believe takes time, letting things simmer and waiting for it to unfold without force when the time is right. Yes, I of little patience, have started to accept that fact that while I often used to say if patience is a virtue I can just live virtue-less instead, that I was wrong, and that it is indeed important to cultivate. With these, I can learn to believe and just go with it, even if.

in true synchronous fashion, I came across this bookmark yesterday when I was cleaning my table. It was one I had bought as a Christmas present supposedly that I never had a chance to give…I guess it was meant to be left behind to remind me of the value of learning to believe, right???



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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw