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Today’s Thought Bubble: From Dreams They Come

Today I went on my final field trip as Teacher Ria. Right now I don’t know how to describe my feelings and thoughts about it, except perhaps by saying (like I often do in psych evals I write) I am quite ambivalent about it. On one hand, I don’t care much, on the other, it saddens me because it is the end of a very, very long role I played.

I guess what’s making me so ambivalent about this, as well as many other things in my life, is because I don’t have the patience to wait for things to unfold. I want the answers now. I want to know. I want to be sure. I don’t like being in the gray, I like things black and white. Yes or now. Take for example this thing with leaving the school. While my decision is clear to me, what happens next I don’t know. And that is simply driving me nuts.

One of the stops we took while touring Paradizoo, a theme farm in Tagaytay, was the bee station. I wasn’t paying much attention to what the guides were saying as I was busy taking pictures, but for some reason, something the guide said caught my attention: that worker bees die after mating.

Okay, I know it’s really random, but that made me think about how I buzz around through my days, just trying to get things done, until I figure things out for myself but at the end, I just run out of steam when I meet a goal. Or perhaps “kill” myself with by my penchant for self-sabotage when I get there. Much like a salmon who fights to swim upstream just to lay her eggs, I feel sometimes that I keep swimming upstream and when I get there,  I find myself “dying” . Yes, it is not a literal death, but it feels like I work so hard to get to the black or the whiteand when I do, everything becomes all unclear again and I go through the vicious cycle.

Like the salmon, or the bee for that matter, I die a little death every time because I struggle to much and I simply exhaust myself by trying too hard. Because I keep wanting the answers immediately, or things to be clear right away, I don’t get to see how many ways things are unfolding. As such, I miss out on things because I try to make it happen too soon, or I catch it too late. I fail to recognize that perhaps being in the gray every now and then, isn’t so bad.

This realization comes just  day after it dawned on me that my dreams keep pointing out the same thing: that I’m always running from something or chasing something and no matter how hard I try, I find myself where I’m supposed to be, but always, always, ALWAYS at the wrong time.

Maybe, I realized, what I need to work on is pacing.

So today as I sat in that long bus ride with nothing else but my thoughts, I realized that perhaps I just have to remind myself to take a step back, put everything down, and just shake things off so I can find the balance I so desperately seek, and to be able to go at the right pace so I can make it to the end without  rushing through things, or taking too much time for that matter.

And so today, I write myself a note:

Yes…patience is a virtue and while I often say it is one I can live without, maybe I really can’t.

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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw