The other day in yoga class I found myself in a pose that I truly, deeply loved. So much so I could stay in it forever. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. For some reason sitting in that pose was just so amazing and wonderful for me. It’s interesting because it’s the exact opposite of the two poses I hate so very, very much, which, when I’m more at peace with, I promise to write about as well :).
Anyway, at the end of the session we talked a bit, the other ladies in my class, the teacher and I, and I began to understand what it meant to really just be at peace with the way things are. No force, no effort, just pure acceptance. It came from what the teacher said about how yin yoga really is such a humbling experience because in it you are forced to face the facts: there are really some things that no matter how hard you try, it can’t be fixed. She went on to say that we have to accept the way we’re built and that maybe, that’s really all your body can do. It’s a matter of structure, after all.
As I sat there listening to her I had to just curl up into a little ball and just be. Then I realized that one reason I keep struggling with many of the things I try to do, be it in yoga or in real life, is because I have yet to find comfort in believing I’m okay, and that things are okay for that matter even if it isn’t as I think it should be, because in fact, it really is as it should. In a way, I keep flailing because I have this image of what things should be like.
Let me put it this way, I used to think that my quest in life was to set off and find the pieces of my heart that God had lovingly dropped off in different places when He created me. In a way, it would be like putting together pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly. It’s been very frustrating to say the least, to keep seaching for these pieces. What I did’nt realize, however,is that the pieces have been there all along but I can’t get them to fit right because I keep thinking that things HAVE to be in a certain way. It has to fit in like a puzzle, complete with a frame, in the shape it’s supposed to be.
And so I keep forcing myself to twist and turn, contort if I must, to fit the way I think I should. But that’s not how I’m built.
What I have apparently, is a vessel that has no known shape or form but one that flows like the sea, taking on whatever way shape or form each piece comes and brings with it. It’s not always pretty, or perfect, or “right” by many standards, I make myself believe. And because of that, that stubborn idea that my picture has to come together, I fail to recognize that maybe there is something beautiful there already. Like patches of a quilt, that’s what my heart is….a collection of scraps old and new, some with scars and bits of sorrow, some full of love and bringing joy. It’s not all the same size and shape, the colors may not match, and some might even have jagged or frayed edges, they may be ugly at times, but it’s okay.
Its not making these pieces fit together that matters, I suppose, but making space for all of these to live togetherand grow, knowing that no matter how large or how small each piece may be, they’re there for a purpose.
And so as I sit in my new favorite pose thus far, with Piper in front of me, Bubba by my side, in the quiet serenity of my lolo’s final resting place (yes, we came to visit today :)) I smile to myself and whisper a little prayer for comfort and serenity, knowing while the next few days are sure to tap into a reservoir of feelings I would rather not go to (as I said in my last post, there are just days I wish I could wipe out of the calendar) I can be at peace knowing that it is as it should be and that much as these days will always have a bit of darkness to it for me, I can be with it.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.