i am woman, hear me rawr!

Perpetual Sapphire Aviation School

A few months ago after a clinic session in a hospital in Las Pinas, I walked to my car which was parked in the lot that the hospital shared with an aviation school. And guess what…on that day they were taping scenes for the now defunct soap opera, Dahil May Isang Ikaw. The school was used as the set for the aviation school that the character played by Coco Martin was supposed to be studying at. So every now and then, when I go to the clinic, it makes me smile when I see it. About a month ago, when I went, I saw a sign for an Open House the school is holding that allows potential students to check out what the school is about. They even offer simulation exercises, as I understand. I don’t know, however, what else the open house would allow, such as whether or not guests can do mechanical exercises or compare radar detectors or what not.

Oh…just to share…today when I went to the clinic, the doors were open (errr….literally! haha) and I saw a plane inside but I had no camera!!! Gaaah!

Bookmark It

No, this isn’t a real diet related post haha.

I was just thinking today how I seem to have taken on a new form of an After 6 diet. Remember that diet that required you not to eat anything after 6 pm? Well, for some reason or the other, my brain has seemed to stop functioning during the day time. In fact, it feels like it only kicks in from 6 pm onwards. Haha.

Seriously, in as much as I am the sun goddess incarnate, I can’t seem to find myself moving and thinking until the sun sets. Egaaaad…..it’s crazy I tell ya.

Oh gaaawd how can I survive this way????

yes, welcome to today’s random rant

Bookmark It

For many women, myself included, one of the most difficult things to do is to find ways to suppress appetite in a healthy, all-natural way. Don’t you agree? Losing weight is really such a challenge I tell you…it entails commitment, hard work and determination. There’s really so much more to it than searching for the best weight loss pills that work.

Let me say, though, that I’m not all for the uber skinny, waif like model thin body, but we all would like to be more fit, right?

As I was saying, one thing we struggle with is being able to control our appetites. For one, hormonal changes make us crave all sorts of things. Secondly, the lifestyle we live now, which is very fast paced and demanding, can make us more likely to crave for the not-so-healthy stuff. While appetite suppressants may be readily available, it is important to also try to keep in mind our health’s safety because at times, these supplements may pose certain risks, especially if we don’t read the fine print. Some things that can help curb appetite include acupuncture, aromatherapy and biofeedback (which technically means listening to your bodies needs and signals).

What works for me, really, is being mindful about my eating habits. It can be tiring, I tell ya, and many times, I feel like it’s so frustrating but I still try my very best to keep at it. After all, sayang naman efforts ko diba? (all my efforts will be wasted if I don’t, right?) Oh, I’ve been chronicling my weight loss journey in a separate blog, Fat Girl No More, so do drop by there soon

Bookmark It

Last night when I was trying to experiment on some yoga poses, I couldn’t help but remember a quip I made during my last class as I tried to sit in shoelace.

Gah..there’s too much stuff that gets in the way! Haha. What was I referring to? My ginormous thighs and flabby belly. And while they’re teeny (well, teenier than before) things up there in the chest area get all squished and stuff. Yes I know getting them flat will take time and effort, but after looking through lipofuze reviews and other diet blogs, I kinda wish I can just take the easy way out and magically shape and tone my lower body!!! Haha.

To be fair, the top part, except for the arms, I’m okay with. I have one of those “payatin” (skinny-looking) faces so it makes me look much thinner than I really am. Plus I have collarbones that stick out so that, too, gives the impression of weight loss haha

Bookmark It

“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” -deepak chopra

Never in a hundred years would I ever have imagined saying those words. EVER.

I always used to be very uncomfortable in the quiet. In fact, many a time I would feel the need to fill up a space with noise and chatter, be it verbally or through songs, or with the television. So much so that when we were contemplating cutting off our cable service, I threw a hissy fit. I was the type who thrived on television, or more succinctly, the sound of the television (so much so that I would even listen through endless product reviews and campaigns, from kitchen tools, to exercise gadgets and even repeated spots on miracle creams and beauty products that highlight all sorts of claims such as 7 second eye lift reviews). There was something about the sound of the conversations on television that just made me feel not so alone.

Yes, I needed all of that to keep me feeling safe and comfortable. In whatever way, shape or form, I always needed that movements, sounds and activity going on and that would lull me to sleep and allow me to just be content.

I guess the discomfort I was drawing on from the quiet and the solitude often came from the fact that it’s very different from what I know and am familiar with. After all, being the eldest in the family and being the  “ate” in all sense of the word (from family to friends to work and to everything else in between) left me with such great demands to be busy and moving all the time, and as I did that, I never really had time to ask myself what it is I wanted or needed. In that hustle bustle, I get to attend to others, I get to feel reassured that I am needed and wanted, and more so, I get to feel like I am doing things right.

Yes, all of that was just a facade I liked to keep up because it was familiar. Deep down, apparently, I am not the bright, sunshiny person I had gotten to know, but someone who is really dark and twisty (borrowing Meredith Grey’s terms) on the inside who just likes sitting in the dark doing absolutely nothing, not in the spirit of being a bum, but in purposive laziness (this I borrow from my yoga teacher ).  And without the movement, without the noise, I am left with nothing but whispers of doubt and insecurity as uncertainty creeps in. I am left with nothing to do but just be. And to just know and have faith.

But now that I am becoming more aware of this, and willing to face those inner demons, I realize that it is in that quiet solitude I find what it really means to be joyful. Slowly I am beginning to understand that things I don’t need to be acted upon immediately, or solved or stated for that matter. And being “lazy” or still (which I used to think equated to being bad, or boring, or simply useless) isn’t always a bad thing.

And you know what…because I am still and more joyful, not necessarily the outward “happiness” that I think happiness is all about, I deal with people better, giving just enough and taking what I need. In the same way, I can respond to situations with more authenticity and without the need to either babble away or clam up.

And at the end of the day, I’d like to believe that this is what makes me a better me.

Bookmark It

Trust me to get hit by another freight train of thoughts in yoga class, as always.

Lemme put it in context: for some reason, my whole yoga practice, has allowed me to open up my eyes to so many things that I didn’t realize I was doing. And while during the session I can still my mind and focus on the physical aspects of the practice and I just listen to my breathing and allow everything else to fade away, when I come out of the savasana I find myself always breathless (figuratively) and in awe of the messages being sent to me.

And so from today’s session, I came out with a random thought:

Right before our practice tonight, my yoga teacher gave me some feedback about my breathing. Errr…okay. Admittedly (and if you’ve been reading my blog you’d know very well how hard it is for me to just breathe and to allow myself to be still and listen), I struggle with that because I tend to shuttle between holding my breath in or forgetting to breather whenever things are hard or uncertain. When I breathe out during the session, apparently, I tend to blow out the air and open my mouth to exhale. I was told to try to keep my mouth zipped when I do so and just blow out the air when I exhale through the nose, that way I don’t let all the energies out and keep the heat (now that I write this I’d like to think of it as a life force) in.

Oookay….sure. That’s what I thought to myself at the beginning of the session.

As I was driving home, however, I realized that I do tend to blow out energies a lot. It’s funny, not too long ago I told someone that many times, I feel like the Little Match Girl, the one who kept on trying to keep a little flickering flame from a match going in the dead of winter. It dawned on me today that because I keep blowing out, rather than just releasing what is needed but keeping what is essential in, I waste a lot of my energies.

It hit me that I do waste a lot of my energies by being overly reactive to many things…”exhaling” with my mouth by being too noisy and restless. I often say that my tendency to be outgoing and bubbly is actually a cover up for my being very shy and insecure. By compensating, I realized, I do put on a front, but at the end, it becomes too tiring. I realize now the value of biting my tongue and just letting things slide. And now that I have become more mindful of that, I don’t sprout out verbal diarrhea as much as I used to. I have begun to realize that there really is so much more said in silence. Sure I still do every once in a while, but it has become much lesser now…and because I’m not always “emptying” myself out completely, I have what is essential for me to keep my heart and soul whole. Back when I would always just rattle away and get consumed in that expression, it often was very hard for me to write and to find something to be inspired about. Now, even when things are uncertain and even if there are bits of sadness in my heart or hurts that make me stretch, it’s not so bad.

In one way I guess the blowing out or exhaling through the mouth allows me to feel more comfortable easily, mainly because it releases things immediately. Take for example when I get ticked off at something, or feel anxious when I’m flailing, my gut instinct is to cry out and complain. I lash out, I say things I regret, and worse, I mess things up (again, hello there penchant for self-sabotage). It’s like an impulse, or a knee jerk reaction that releases pressure immediately, forgetting that sometimes, these are but necessary pains.

What I forget that sometimes I have to let things sit before it is ready…and I must be patient with it, even if it is uncomfortable and difficult because if I do, somewhere down the line, when things fall into place and become a habit, it will be much, much easier. And more importantly, that with a wee bit of patience, the bigger picture becomes clearer and everything falls into place.

Remember, Ri…silence…the quiet…discomfort (but do know that pain is different!!!)…these are friends too…so bite that tongue a little, okay?

Bookmark It

I was online earlier searching for cheap car insurance quotes (well, waiting to hear from my friends hubby who attends to my insurance to be more succinct haha) when I got tagged twice for the same photo in Facebook:

Sigh.

It got me to thinking about how much Bubba really has changed my life in so many ways. He has enriched it, challenged it, and at times, made it a hell of a lot more difficult but despite all that, he has made it so much better as well. I have said this time and again: I never imagined falling for a four-legged furball ever in my whole entire life, but he sure changed my mind.

In many ways, he was really taught me life’s most important lessons. The points listed in the photo just reminded me of all that…and today I am reminded of how to be a better person.

Yes, my teacher says woof. And because of him, I think I am a better friend, teacher and overall, a better me.

Bookmark It

Last Friday I received the sad news of a dear wonderful colleague, mentor and friends passing. It seemed surreal to have to say goodbye to her…It was a shock to hear about it, and when I did, despite the fact that we did not really have much time together, I was so deeply saddened that I had to ask myself why it was so. Then it hit me: Maam Flory was the type of person who no matter how briefly she came into your life, left a mark so deep and indelible.

So today on your birthday, Dear Maam Flory, I send this message out to you and say thank you from the bottom of my heart, for the mark you left in my life.

I never really was one to believe in the notion that one’s mere presence can light up a room. It always used to seem strange to me when I’d hear that, but in the past two years or so, I have been blessed to have met several people who proved just that to me.

Ma’am Flory was one of them.

She always seemed to bring with her an aura of bright light and cheer, no matter how dark or dismal things were. At least that’s how it felt for me. Whenever she’d come in to the DLSU Psych department and pass by my table, often at lunchtime right before she’d head off to mass, she would always greet me and take time out to chat with me about all sorts of random things…my blogs for one, she’d even say she had read it and that she liked what I had said. Sometimes it was about whether or not I listened to her brothers radio show that morning.  She knew how much that, next to my morning coffee, got me going after all. Or at times even about my dog Bubba. Oh, and let’s not forget she always had something to say about my outfit for the day, even though this was before my Project Prettify me makeover.

Yes, Maam Flory was one of those rare people who got to know a wee bit more of me than many others do. I don’t know what it was about her, but for some reason, she just knew how to break through my outer shell and to get know bits and pieces of me on the inside, without making me feel like I was different, or like a child, or insignificant for that matter, which is how I often feel, especially when it comes to research and the more “intellectual” stuff. She also knew how much I absolutely hated research, and how mentoring thesis groups was a struggle for me, but she always made me feel that I was competent enough. That I was worth getting to know. And more than just that, that I was loved.

I don’t really know when it started for me, my being blessed with that bright ray of sunshine called Ma’am Flory. When I look back, I think it all began on a day where she wore this bright red dress that I immediately fell in love with. I complemented her on it, or maybe I should say, I made bati her dress, and she beamed this bright smile and said, “does it bagay?” and I replied, “oh yes, ma’am, you so bagay it”.

Yes, we all know that’s not typical Ma’am Flory speak, that’s Ria talk, after all.  But she said it with such endearment and just the right hint of jest that all I could do was smile back at her and for once, not feel embarrassed or criticized for the way I talk. She said it with such love that it warmed my heart. Since then I think I let myself be and just allowed myself to say things I wanna say, in the way I wanna say it. Kung baga, pwede ako maging totoo. She also had this way of catching me off my guard, especially when some people push my buttons. I never really was good at hiding that after all…my aloof, sungit side i mean. The side of me that gets easily annoyed at people who don’t make sense, or should I say, I don’t understand. Whenever she’d see me going that direction, she’d call me out on it and say, o, ang kilay, ibaba, remember, balang araw ikaw din ang hindi maiintindihan ng masnakakabata.  That would always help make whatever inis dissipate.

In the past few months as she struggled with her illness, she, on ocassion, would chat with me over Facebook or comment on my photos and we’d have a nice exchange of words. One day, she stared a conversation that went….Ri, may tatanong sana ako sa iyo. I was like, ano po yun? thinking it was something serious, because most of the time, our conversations would be that way. Then she goes: Ria, pano mo na nagagawang maka-high score sa bejeweled. Um….natawa na lang ako, literally. Akala ko pa naman kung anong seriosong usapan. After a while, however, our conversation became a tad serious and she said that Bejeweled kept her entertained and busy on days that were quite lonely and difficult for her. She often told me how really wished she could go back to school soon and that she hoped I could visit her one day. I always told her how much I, too, sorely missed her. So much so, in fact, that her absence was one of the handful of things that made last term especially difficult for me. Often times as I’d sit alone in the department those months, I’d walk towards her cubicle and whisper a prayer for her.

The one thing I never got a chance to do, however, was visit her in person. Last December we had planned to get together, on a Monday afternoon, in fact, because I told her that my Mondays were “me”days, meaning these were days I deliberately spend on things and share it with people that make me happy, and she was definitely one of them. However, she was feeling a bit under the weather and said maybe next time instead. The last time we texted, sometime mid January if I’m not mistaken, she said that as soon as she shook of that fluish feeling she was having, I should come see her. Basta when I’m better she said. I told her to just let me know when and I would gladly go, and she said she would but we never got that chance.

And so before we lay you to rest, I will be sure to come by to fulfill my my promise, Ma’am Flory. My promise to come when you are better. Although this is not the better we all were wishing and praying for, I’d like to believe that while my heart mourns you, and many others will continue to mourn you for days on end, you are indeed better…free from what ailed you and caused you pain. You now can radiate your pure joy and brilliant light freely, without suffering and struggle. You are well. And you are happy.

As I bid farewell to such a beautiful soul, another goodbye that just feels so soon, I would like to take comfort in knowing that as she enters the gates of heaven, she now will be rewarded with such warm sunshine and love from our Lord and those she loved who have gone before her. While we mourn her loss in our own ways, I hope and pray that her family, and friends, all those who love her and were blessed to be loved by her in return, and all those whose lives she had touched, will likewise find comfort in knowing that while we will miss her physical presence, her bright light shall never fade.

Good bye, Ma’am Flory. I thank you for loving me and bringing light to my life.  I may not say these words out loud too often, nor do I say them to people much, but I love you too. Go home to our Lord and take our prayers with you. As for me, do know that every now and then I will think of you with lots of light and love, and every time I do, I will remember to smile, and put down my kilay.

Bookmark It