It’s me again…It’s been a while, eh? I’ve been good, I must say, since that day I took back my name and bade you farewell on that fateful Monday that I laid to rest the ghosts of our past and the “it’s complicated” I clung so tightly too.
It took me a long while to be able to think of you and not cry, and though at times I still do feel a bit nostalgic when thoughts of you come by, for the most part, I have learned to think of you with love and light, and let you go, knowing full well that things happen for a reason, and that at times pain is but necessary, and that at the end of the day, just simply weren’t meant to be. Today, however, as I went back to where we used to be and I thought a little bit about you, not really with sadness, but with some fondness and just a wee bit of wistfulness, remembering… remembering the good the bad, and how wonderfully blissful I was being around you and it was a little harder than usual to drop it. It’s funny how thoughts of you come at such random moments, like sudden gusts of wind that comes out of nowhere, stirring up things just when they settle. However, unlike in the past where I’d find myself spiraling into a deep, dark sadness, I came out of it with a sense of ambivalence, if I can call it that. I was neither happy nor was I sad, just nostalgic.
On the way home, I popped in one of the CD’s lying around. It was one of those random mixes that I had just burnt from my iTunes. In a way, I was pleasantly surprised when the song “If I Never Knew You” from the movie Pocahontas came on. It was such a fitting song for the day, right?
If I never knew you
I’d be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I’m so grateful to you
I’d have lived my whole life through
If I never knew you
I realized, perhaps this is why thoughts of you came by today, to remind me that despite it all, no matter how much I had to weather from the storm that was you, I can never really say I wish I never knew you. And even if we didn’t end up together, I guess that’s really why our paths had to cross, right? I did learn to believe in love and in hope, and I learned to understand pain and how it’s there not to just to hurt, but for growth somewhere down the line, even if it took so long. And like the song said, I will forever be grateful for that.
And with that, I can say, my heart is content.
je t’aime, au revoir.