i am woman, hear me rawr!

Dear You who had my Heart,

It’s me again…It’s been a while, eh? I’ve been good, I must say, since that day I took back my name and bade you farewell on that fateful Monday that I laid to rest the ghosts of our past and the “it’s complicated” I clung so tightly too.

It took me a long while to be able to think of you and not cry, and though at times I still do feel a bit nostalgic when thoughts of you come by, for the most part, I have learned to think of you with love and light, and let you go, knowing full well that things happen for a reason, and that at times pain is but necessary, and that at the end of the day, just simply weren’t meant to be. Today, however, as I went back to where we used to be and I thought a little bit about you, not really with sadness, but with some fondness and just a wee bit of wistfulness, remembering… remembering the good the bad, and how wonderfully blissful I was being around you and it was a little harder than usual to drop it. It’s funny how thoughts of you come at such random moments, like sudden gusts of wind that comes out of nowhere, stirring up things just when they settle. However, unlike in the past where I’d find myself spiraling into a deep, dark sadness, I came out of it with a sense of ambivalence, if I can call it that. I was neither happy nor was I sad, just nostalgic.

On the way home, I popped in one of the CD’s lying around. It was one of those random mixes that I had just burnt from my iTunes. In a way, I was pleasantly surprised when the song “If I Never Knew You” from the movie Pocahontas came on. It was such a fitting song for the day, right?

If I never knew you
I’d be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true

I’m so grateful to you
I’d have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

I realized, perhaps this is why thoughts of you came by today, to remind me that despite it all, no matter how much I had to weather from the storm that was you, I can never really say I wish I never knew you. And even if we didn’t end up together, I guess that’s really why our paths had to cross, right? I did learn to believe in love and in hope, and I learned to understand pain and how it’s there not to just to hurt, but for growth somewhere down the line, even if it took so long. And like the song said, I will forever be grateful for that.

And with that, I can say, my heart is content.

je t’aime, au revoir.

andrea

Bookmark It

Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A few months back, when my soul was weary and troubled, I went back to something I knew would quiet the voices in my head and give my heart the rest it sorely needed: my art.

Back then I clung on tightly to the bright sunshine that always brought me comfort, hence the beginnings of my Project Sunshine. Then, I felt the urgent need to create my own sunshine and hold tightly to lifelines thrown my way, sometimes a wee bit too much.

In the past few months, however, I have grown stronger and better, made so by necessary pains and conversations with my soul where I got to know myself better and explore other sides of me that I never once allowed to exist. Coupled with my yoga practice, where I have allowed myself to create spaces in my mind, body and soul, I have begun to learn what balance really means, how to have faith and to trust, and how love really works. I have likewise welcomed the darkness back to my life, knowing full well that in that in the dark, cold silence of night time I can thrive, too, albeit differently than I do under the warm golden sunshine, but that both are essential for the fullness of my soul.

Yes, I have learned to stop chasing rainbows and to let things go and let them be as I am learning to sit and wait in patience, just believing in myself, in people around me and in fate, love and in the certainty that though they may not be in sight, they do indeed exist.

And now I have returned to the heart of my art, no longer in troubled waters, but in still ones, now honoring the polar opposites that exist in my life, the yin and the yang so I’ve been told…and so side by side my Project Sunshine now comes the beginnings of my Night Sky And so tonight I whisper a little wish up into the night sky, and think of it with light an love, then dropping it knowing that in time, when it is right, I will be able to connect the dots and see how all the twists and turns, stops and starts and everything else make complete and perfect sense.

Bookmark It

In yoga class, my teachers often say something that strike a chord deep inside of me: let it go and let it be.

Sometimes this is said in the beginning, at times in the midst of the stillness of a pose, or perhaps in the presence of a challenging one, and always, always at the end of our practice. I never really stopped to think (which, for someone like me is a major accomplishment let me tell ya!) why it always tugs at my heartstrings, but today, as I sat under a tree in the park with Bubba just watching things go by, it dawned on me that those words mean a lot to me because it is one of the things I have been working on, but have never really allowed myself to master.

It dawned on me that many of my hurts, the struggles I contend with and the discomfort I feel in many situations is because I can’t let things go, either because of sentimental reasons or for that sense of security (no matter how false at times it may be) it seems to present to me.

I guess I’ve always been the type of person who looks for an explanation to things (err..yes, even if I hate evidence-based and empirical studies ergo research haha), without realizing that by searching, much like moving too quickly in a pond of still waters, I cause ripples that distort the picture.  It’s just that I need to know and I need to be in the know all the time because not knowing simply makes me uneasy. I like the certainty of things and the clarity that a final answer gives. A definitive one for that matter.

In the same way, I’ve begun to realize that I hold on to things a little too tightly too often. Yes, like I said, I have difficulty opening up my hands and just letting go, trusting in the freefall and the uncertainty of things. I thrive on the routine of things, the assurance that habit gives me, and the comfort of knowing I can count on something that has become familiar already.

Losing that often throws me off like crazy and it makes me struggle even more. That’s perhaps why in the past few weeks I’ve been teetering back and forth, because of all the changes I have allowed into my life. Exploring the yogini side of me, for example, is one MAJOR change…allowing people to see me in that state of, um, vulnerability (I don’t know if that’s the right term but I’m going with it) and seeing me in something I have no control over and I am not the master of, egaaad. Opening up, in all sense of the word, has always been something I shunned. I was always happy in the background (well, unless I’m in the classroom) and just playing second fiddle to whoever and whatever is there, and so to let go and allow things to be, well, it’s been hard.   In the same way, the ambivalence I feel about giving up my job, which ends in 14 days, is really causing me so much anxiety.

So today, as I sat in the quiet, with no phone, no Facebook, no laptop, I was made aware of yet things I have known all this time but never really trusted or allowed myself to believe in.

that words of need not be said for it to be true, even if you are unsure
that things need not to be explained even if it seems unclear or confusing
that everything happens for a reason, even when it is vague
that answers will come if you just wait, even if it seems to take too long
that saying nothing is better than saying something you can’t take back, even if it’s so hard to do
that letting things go is essential, even if it hurts so bad at first
that letting things be leads to comfort and contentment, even if it may not seem so, but with a wee bit of patience, it all falls into place.

And wouldn’t you know it…today before I stepped into the shower, I caught a glimpse of my tattoo and it dawned on me that that’s exactly why I ended up with my fairy letting go of butterflies held so tight once.

Open up your hands, your heart and your soul, Ri.

Let it go.

Let it be.

Bookmark It

Last night in yoga class I was complaining about how  so many things get in the way of my being able to do the poses correctly and how annoying it can be that I’m so bottom heavy. Oh, and lets not forget that it’s crazy how my arms are not so long and my fingers, very very short.  And egaaad…how I have no arches in my feet (yes, they are super duper insanely flat).

Then just as we were about to do the Warrior pose, my teacher says, you know, we’re just born this way and that kinda knocked some sense into me. I realized that yes, the way I am built may make it difficult for me to get to do poses in the beginning, I can be able to create spaces in my body and work with what I’ve got as I build and strengthen my muscles and connective tissues in both my Ashtanga and Yin yoga practices. True, I wish sometimes I were taller and leaner, and that maybe supplements and hgh shots or supplements can make the process easier, I don’t really need to do it. It’s really accepting things for what they are and just going with it.

Haaaay….why is it so easy to say but so hard to live up to?!?!?

Bookmark It

Photo credits: “Stupid Computer!!!” by Jeanie, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved,

I will be the first to admit that I’m such a blogging noob, even though I’ve been writing forever. I do maintain several blogs, but I know very little about the back end of things. I am lucky that my web host is super nice and that I have a lot of blogger gurus who help me learn the ropes. However, I have recently been tasked to work on a website for the company I work for and I realized there’s so much more I don’t know.

Dream what??? CPanel huh?!?!  Haha.

To be fair, there are lots of sites and fora available for support for noobs like me. In fact, it appears that the platforms nowadays are so much more user friendly than they used to be Some, like wix, even let for drop and drag building of flash sites. I suppose if you’re just doing a basic site or something like that, it should be enough, right?

Bookmark It

A few days ago, I got several inquiries on my blogs about where I go for my yoga classes here in the south. I actually started my own practice with that same question, but of course, I had asked someone else about it hehe. Well, I’m glad to say that there are several shalas to choose from in this area. One of the places I go to is Ekagrata Sala in Alabang (check out www.ekagratasala.wordpress.com for contact details). That’s mostly where I do my Ashtanga practice.

Earlier this month, Flow Yoga Center at the Casa Susana (right beside Alabang Town Center) opened it’s doors.  It is located in the side closer to Town Center, near D’Marks on the upper level. I attended a Yin workshop there about a week ago. It’s a very nice space, I must say I love the color scheme of the place I’m not so sure if they have a website or what not, but if and when I have the chance to, I’ll post their flyer here for your reference

Bookmark It

I know I shouldn’t but…

WHY DID I BOTHER TO LOOK?!? Sighness.

photo as seen on sonyinsider.com

sigh sigh siiiiigh.

I have always liked Sony cameras for some reason, even if all the fora say otherwise. Even the low end ones, I loved. However, it was always a little more expensive than the counterpart from Canon or Olympus or what not so I never owned one. Not that I don’t like Sammy and Nikki…but the Sony cameras have always been so super drool worthy.This one is said to be shock proof, water proof, sand proof,dust proof, and even freeze proof (errr…not that I’ll really need that here in the Philippines, unless of course I decide to go into a long term food storage facility for some crazy, insane reason, right? haha).

Another drool worthy camera, in my opinion, is the Canon G12. I sooooo love it. My cousin has one and it’s just soooo fabulous. I love the the flexibility the LCD has and how it is still light and compact (compared to Nikki) despite the powerful features.

Sigh. And so tonight I will drool and dream of all these nice new gadgets. Oh…and let’s not forget that rumored iPad coming out on March 2. Egaaaad.

Bookmark It

I have given up.

On searching for a quick fix or a diet pill that works to be exact I have decided that to make positive changes in my health, and my life in general, I have to stop being so resistant and stubborn. Rather, I have to let the process take it’s course, no matter how long it takes or how hard it can be from time to time. For example, just recently I felt like I had hit a wall when I stepped on the scale and saw the numbers tip the other direction…no not down but up. Egaaad.

However, I have decided to let the baby steps count. To honor these little changes that are happening in my life. So…here I am making baby steps count. Wish me luck please

Bookmark It