Gifts that Warmed my Heart

It’s no secret, I think, that Christmas has always been a struggle for me. In the past few weeks, those who have been reading through my blogs may have gotten a sense of how difficult the season is for me, mainly because it taps into a lot of sadness, scratch that, loneliness for me. It’s not that I am not able to appreciate all the good and all the blessings that have come my way, but the season, what with all it’s family togetherness and abundance of love, makes me a wee bit nostalgic for the people who are not in my life anymore, are far away, and yes, admittedly it taps into that inner single girl insecurities that live in my heart. It’s not the gifts to be received, or the visits from Santa that make me sad, I guess, it’s the being alone part that gets to me…

This year, however, is slightly different. While the loneliness and longing is still there, it’s quieted down a bit despite a stumble every now and then, some even so strongly that I needed time outs and lifelines to pull me through.  And yes, while the singleness kinda gets all consuming, this holiday season reminded me of what is essential in life….these are amongst the wonderful albeit intangible gifts I received.

As for Christmas presents under my tree, there are a few that warmed heart….

lots and lots of new papers to write on and markers to write with!!! weeee!!!!

They mean so much to me because one of the things I fell in love with doing this year is writing notes. To some degree I can say it was a rekindling of the love for writing notes, either for myself or for others.  It may sound strange to say that I do write myself notes, but I’ve taken the figurative “note to self” to a more tangible level and have found that writing myself these notes allows me to pay attention to what my heart and soul needs at the moment, and these, at times, are thoughts and feelings that are too painful or ugly to post here. And while some may have gifted me with these post-its and notepads or cards by chance, a special few gave these knowing full well how much it means to me, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart…

I’ve always been a writer but for a long time, I stuck to just typing out my thoughts because one, it was easier and two, I have sucky penmanship but over the past about four or five months, I have rediscovered the joy of writing by hand. (Um…sorry nalang to the special few who I give handwritten notes to and have to read it :))  There’s just something very, um, primal in the act of writing, I guess, and I’ve loved that. There’s also the fact that I can’t really overthink things when I write by hand because unlike typing, there’s no backspace-ing or deleting, right? So when I write by hand I just allow myself to just go with the flow, which believe me, for a person like me is not very easy 🙂 So for me, one of the many great things that happened to me in the past year is getting that gift back: my gift of words straight from the heart.

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