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I Went Away and I Didn’t Even Notice…

if I went away would you notice I didn't stay?

Today a random thought popped into my head: If I went missing, would anyone notice?

Okay, I know this comes after a day of secret wishes and dark thoughts, but I think more than just that, this thought comes from a string of not so great news from friends and classmates around me filled with too many sad, sad losses, unexpected complications, changes that greatly affect not just my friends but people around them as well… a few days ago, for example, an old schoolmate of mine had lost his wife and left behind a young son. In the past few days a couple Plurk friends shared their own sudden losses and I can’t help but feel the impact of that as well because it seemed very unexpected and at such young ages.  Add to that the fact that health wise, things aren’t a hundred percent on my end so that kinda gets me to thinking about things, especially since I have often quipped about a gut feeling I have that I prolly won’t get old. Being the type of thinker I am, I soon found myself thinking that the Universe seems to enjoy playing cosmic jokes on people. Just the other night, for example, someone told me “why him of all people when so many others deserve it, or won’t be missed to begin with“. So that lingered and I wondered why people who will sorely be missed and still have so much riding on them are the ones taken too quickly or given too much grief. Why not someone like me who technically has no responsibilities, no obligations in terms of marriage, children and the like. Easy, right? And less grief for everyone involved. It just seemed so unfair, and at times, even though they’re strangers, when I walk in the cemetery after my random visits to lolo and I see a headstone of a child gone too soon, I kinda think I wouldn’t have minded trading places with them.

And so I got to thinking….if that was me, if I disappeared or went missing, would anyone notice I was gone? Yes I know they’d care if and when they found out about it, but would they notice otherwise? Like if for one reason or another, I decided to pack up my things and walk away from where I am right now, quietly, with no fuss or fanfare, and just disappeared from the familiar comforts of home and lived in a little unknown island somewhere.

Seriously though, this isn’t me being extra melodramatic or whatnot, but since I’ve been talking more to my sister lately, I kinda wonder if I can do what she did not too long ago…pack up and leave, start over and just create a whole new world for myself, not necessarily die but to just start anew, especially since this is still a pretty good time for me to do it since I am not tied down to anything, not even a full time job.

The thing is:  can I really disentangle myself from the webs I have woven for myself? More so, can I really detach myself from caring about people, things and even places that have meant so much to me in one way or another? Yes, that’s the kind of person I am. I guess (pardon me for going Eat Pray Love once again) much like Elizabeth Gilbert’s metaphor goes, whenever I get involved in something: be it a job, a relationship, a project, I dive in so completely into it that bits of me disappear. Take for example my writing mojo…if you follow my blog you’d have probably noticed it…I go from stretches of deeply soulful posts when I’m all right brained and  emotionally aware, but when I have to get to tasks that are left brained and cognitive, such as when I need to write my psychological reports or papers, I lose the other personal, soulful part of me. I can’t seem to balance the cognitive, logical side and the artsy, emotional one to the point that only one can exist.

I can’t help but think that maybe if I did start fresh somewhere where no one knew me, I’d find the rest and calm that often seems fleeting. Perhaps that would let me sleep better at night which, believe me, I soooo need. While the dark circles under my eyes may not show because I’m pretty good at covering them up, they do exist.

So that leads me back to the question…if I disappeared, or went invisible, would anyone notice? I mean, really notice, not simply because they need something but because they just wanted to or cared enough to? Or perhaps simply because a random thought of me, a fond memory or just a bit of love of me came into mind….just because. Funny, but a few years back at the height of my dark night, I asked the same question. Like I said in that post not so long ago,: cognitively I know it’s irrational, but feelings-wise, it gets hard to reconcile. In my head I know it’s my need for affirmation, or perhaps attention, and a need to be liked by others. It’s difficult to understand, even for myself, and yes, I know to some extent, it’s so childish and pathetic. Maybe it’s the inner child in me, or perhaps the wounded soul…but I need someone to take care of me too. I need to know I’m not invisible, and that I’m not simply remembered in passing. It’s not necessarily being TOLD that I am remembered, I just wish I could see that I am appreciated and wanted. As someone once said, the best conversations you could have would be those with a friend, sitting on a bench, without saying a word at all. You just know you’re not invisible.

Compared to then, however, now I find comfort in knowing that there are a there are a choice few that in my heart of hearts I know will notice, even if these thoughts come every now and then 🙂

At the end of the day, however, what hit me is that while I was so caught up in my needs for affirmation and approval from others, I was beginning to forget what mattered. I was trying so hard to get people to notice me that I stopped noticing myself once again. In essence, the Ria that I had gotten to know had gone missing and I wasn’t even noticing it.

So today I am making it a point to come back to the heart of me and to listen and remember, honor and acknowledge, and yes, hard as it is for a sentimental fool like me, let go of what isn’t working anymore.

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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw