i am woman, hear me rawr!

"The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases" - Carl Jung .

I have this pair of  stilettos that i ABSOLUTELY love.

Yes, absolutely in all caps.

Admittedly, the first time I saw it in the store, it only caught my eye but it didn’t really call out to me the way other things (whether this be shoes, a dress or what not) have called out to me in the past. I tried it on, it looked good. It felt…okay…it was kinda comfortable…it was pretty…but it didn’t have that customary “buy me, buy me” feeling that usually rules my impulsive purchases. So I carefully put them back on the display shelf and said if the feeling of wanting it was still there in a couple of days and if it was still available, then it was meant for me.

To make a long story short, the feeling stayed. And so a couple of days later, I headed back to the mall and tried it on again. When I did, I realized it wasn’t as comfortable as I had first thought it was even though it didn’t really “hurt” like other shoes. There was a bit of an awkward fit to it, but I still decided that I wanted it. After all, I reasoned to myself, like all nice shoes, you gotta break them in for a bit before it really fits right.

Although my heart loves those shoes, my feet, on the other hand, don’t. They get along for about three to four hours, but any more than that causes them so much pain. Once, I had to wear it for about 7 hours straight and it took my feet about two days to completely recover. Yup, that’s how much they had hurt!!! Read the rest of this entry »

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This morning I posted a message on  Plurk that read  “Good Morning!”

A dear friend of mine commented, “morning! may good!”. I paused for a minute and tried to figure out what she meant by it, then I realized that I often just Plurk “morning”, especially when I cannot find the good in the morning. In fact, once I even went as far as posting “morning. morning lang, wala pa siyang good  (morning. just morning because there’s no good in it)”.

For today, I did not really think about what I posted, I just went with what felt right and it wasn’t till it was pointed out that perhaps, even unconsciously, I am really making strides in reframing the way I think about things around me. After some mulling it over, I replied to her and said, yes, there is good. I am making it a point to find the good in every morning no matter what.

Where is this all coming from? No, don’t worry, dear readers, this is not another Eat Pray Love review or reaction.

Life As We Know It starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel opens in local cinemas on October 20, 2010. Photo courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

I came to the conclusion that we really need to look at the world with all new lenses from the upcoming romantic comedy, “Life As We Know It” which stars Katherin Heigl and Josh Duhamel. The story begins with a blind date from hell between  Holly (Heigl) and Messer (Duhamel) after their best friends set them up. From then on, the two were always at odds and since they loved their best friends to bits, they had no choice but to be in the same places and events a lot of the time. Until one day they received the devastating news that their friends had died and that they were named the guardians of their orphaned daughter Sophie. From then on, life as they knew it flew out the window.

Life As We Know It is a wonderfully funny, human look (yes, for a comedy, I have to say it is very real!) at how life sometimes throws you curve balls and all you can do is really just laugh and breathe through it, then reframe the way of thinking about it because holding on to the way things were in the past really won’t work anymore. Unlike a typical chick flick or mindless romantic comedy, this one was full of real emotions and lessons that really reminded me of what is important which is why I loved it so much. It wasn’t all cheesy, it wasn’t all funny, but it was just so real (gah…I think I used real to many times in describing this film, ya think???) Read the rest of this entry »

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Before anything else let me just say that this isn’t a paid ad for Smart nor is it a testimonial for how great the company is and all. It’s just giving credit where credit is due I should have posted this sooner, but I’ve been soooo super busy I haven’t had the time. Anyway, one of my highlights last week was being able to give my brother a great birthday gift, thanks to my Smart retention plan.

Every two years, I qualify for a free phone unit from the company for continuing my subscription. Usually I get the phone then pass on my old one to my brother but this year I told him he can have the new one (although the downside is that these are not unlocked phones as it is sim locked to the company, so he has to make his own adjustments down the line, hehe). He was really excited about it and when we finally got to the center to get the phone for him, we found out there was a bundle promo wherein you get a free phone AND a netbook from Samsung. After mulling it over a bit, he decided the wanted to get the bundle, even though the phone was not really a high end model. The downside, however, was that there was no available unit at that moment in the Festival Mall branch so I decided to go to the one in Gateway the following day so I can try to apply for one there. I had to wait a few days, but by the weekend, my brother had his own brand new spankin’ netbook. The specs were pretty okay too, for a free laptop

If I’m not mistaken, today is the last day for this promo, so if you are also a Smart subscriber and are qualified for a retention plan, do go check it out

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"This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down."

A few years ago, my sister and I had a great, big fight. One so big that despite the saying time heals all wounds, there is still that little hurt that never has healed. In the past few weeks, we have been chatting online and while things will really never be the same between us anymore, I think (or at least I speak from my point of view) there’s a new dynamic that was born out of that falling out we had.

To be honest, I’ve never really been the type to do the whole silent treatment bit. I never was very good at it. She, on the other hand, has mastered the fine art of the cold shoulder. When she was still here in the Philippines, she had no choice but to deal with my yapping away and working out our issues until we find a resolution to the problem. And yes, I would never let it go at “sige na, I was wrong. Forget it na, tapos na, okay?”. I would always dig deeper for an answer and work very hard at finding out what I did wrong so I never do it again. I guess that’s really just the way I deal with things: I never like uncertainty, I feel lost in things I don’t know and I have difficulty letting go. But once I know, no matter how painful or hurtful it may be, I find my way to peace. Uh-huh…like I always say jokingly (but do know deep down inside mean, even just a little bit) I am a girl with abandonment issues, so when she would pretend I didn’t exist, that was what cut the deepest.

However, since she is away, there was no way for me to force the issue anymore and after that fight we had, I offered my apologies but never heard back from her. So from there, I did learn to ignore her. I held on tightly to that hurt that she gave me until it killed whatever good existed between us. And for the longest time, I was okay with that. At least on the outside. Read the rest of this entry »

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Lately I’ve been struggling to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve been plagued (okay, to be fair at times blessed, because they’re good) with a whole lot of dreams that have yet to fully make sense to me.

I have always been a big believer of dreams. Signs, not so much, but dreams, yes (although I have changed my mind about the whole sign thing already!)  However, while I have always believed in the powerful messages dreams bring, I often try to push them away because they tend to open that proverbial Pandora’s box. I guess that’s also why during hypnotherapy class (and other exercises that involved a whole lot of guided imagery exercises) I always fought hard to repel it. The thing is, just when I feel like I am in control of things and the world around me makes sense, I begin to dream. Yes, lots of weird, strange dreams that tap into inner insecurities and fears that, at times, are just so hard to understand at the moment. What’s  annoying about this whole dreaming thing, however, is that when I need them, or when I actually ask for them, they don’t come! Before they started to come, I had asked for them. But things got clearer. I found myself being more content and happy, which like I said in my other blog, has been my little secret…yes, happiness and contentment are the  best diet pills as far as I’m concerned! And so I was at this place, I had no more questions for my dreams to answer.

Then they started coming. Now I kinda find myself wishing for the sleepless nights I used to have where I’d wake up like clockwork every hour but be somewhat more rested than the day before. Now, although sleep stretches a little bit longer, I am less rested. Grrrr.

Tonight, however, as I browsed through my old Friendster blog (okay, okay, even I have to smile at the fact I started blogging at friendster) I came across an old post that came out of a period of elusive sleep and discontent. Maybe this is the answer….

...in me lies the mind of a realist, the heart of a dreamer and the soul of a believer...

The Contender
Saturday, May 28th, 2005

As sleep remains elusive and the clock ticks by, thoughts of who or what or why consume me. No matter how much I try to turn it off, I can’t. It’s like an annoying commentary that goes on in my head. Sometimes it even begins to sound like a debate.

Then it hits me: yeah, it is a debate. Once more the mind of the realist and the heart of a dreamer are arguing and fighting to claim dominance. No matter how much my head tells me I’m okay, my heart says otherwise. Put it this way: in therapy, I have the answers to other people’s questions; for my kids, I’m Teacher Ria, their goddess equivalent; in class I’m Miss Ria, the kikay fast-talking prof; as a student, I was at the top of my class, but not a nerd…in short, the mind in me had everything down-pat. Then the dreamer emerges…and everything hits the fan. You know how the song goes… “my head says go and find the door, my heart says I found you….”….With that, all control is gone.

However no matter how bad things have gotten, or how defeated I begin to feel in this emotional joust, something in me keeps pushing me through. Through this battle, a believer is born. Although the believer knows it will survive, sometimes doubt, fear, pain and disappointment overrun it. And it’s hard to fight a losing battle. Especially if it’s fighting an invisible foe. Worse still, if it’s fighting itself.

Perhaps a harder part of the battle is knowing that it cannot continue the fight alone. It needs to go to its corner between rounds, and perhaps ask the cut-man to tape up a bloody eyebrow. Maybe the medic needs to rub down the swelling and wipe away the sweat. What makes it hard is asking for the help to continue the fight. And harder still, is when you ask for help in your corner, and you don’t get it.

Like a fallen contender backed into a corner, battered and beaten, all it can do is wait for the bell to ring and the next round to begin. This time, who knows, it might just land the right punch. So though the clashing and struggle continue, hope is not all lost. Much like the right punch combination, it’s just a matter of timing.

And no matter how much the realist and the dreamer debate or fight, ultimately it is the believer that survives… and yes, I am a survivor.

I’d like to think that this is one of those little signs that are here to deliver big messages….I haven’t really completely browsed my old blog, so I randomly clicked on a month and this was there.

I think it resonates a lot with something I was telling a friend of mine the other day after a random, unexpected bursting of tears…that maybe my dreams are telling me to make my way to believing again in the reconciliation of the dreamer and the realist. To find the middle ground. It is telling me to drop my defenses and just admit tiredness every once in a while, which never will be a sign of weakness. In the same manner, it tells me to keep at it as long as I can, despite the stumbling and falling I take along the way. It is also a reminder, I suppose, that I can only do so much…and while I may hurt the other along the way (or others who are at my corner for that matter), it’s bound to get better somehow. And while win or lose, each side will make it through one way or the other and that those on either side cheering them on in support will still be there despite the blows and hurts thrown their way.

In the end, I’d like to thing that these signs are reminders that being a dreamer, while holding on to the very abstract and random, at times is what is right. In the same way, working from the side of reality alone is not always enough. It’s the art of balancing things, after all, that makes life what it truly is: an unexpected battle. However, unlike a fight where only one can win, in life both sides can win.

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"Life As We Know It" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel, opens on October 20, 2010

Don’t you hate it how sometimes when you think you have figured things out, life just throws you a curve ball and before you know it you’re slipping down some slippery slope? Then before you know it you’re caught up in a whirlwind of emotions that send you on all sorts of impulsive actions….like stuffing yourself or rushing out to the mall with an explicable need to buy something you don’t really need, such as gadgets you don’t really need like an iphone despite the fact that your present cellphone is perfectly functional (not that an iPhone wouldn’t be a fabulous new toy!!!), or perhaps yet another pair of stilettos or a dress that you have nowhere to wear to anyway???

No, this isn’t me having another one of those existentialist crises nor is this another inspirational, self-actualizing post about what happiness is and the purpose of life…..this is me looking forward to the Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel’s upcoming movie, “Life As We Know It”.

The movie begins with a first date gone wrong and despite the evident dislike of both characters for each other, they suddenly find that life throws them a big giant curve ball with one simple phone call. Before they know it they are thrust into a new life very different from their present lives.

After the series of melodramatic posts in this blog and self-discoveries I’ve been doing (yes, inspired greatly by the recent Eat Pray Love movie!!!), I am really looking forward to this movie!

The romantic comedy directed by Greg Berlanti opens on October 20, 2010 in Philippine theaters and is distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures, a Warner Bros. Entertainment Company.

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...you are exactly where you are supposed to be... from the prayer of St. Threse

Three years ago today I started on the most difficult, yet most soulful, two weeks of my life ever. It was at this time that I was in the deepest and darkest moments of my life. There I was, in the throes of a major depression, trying to keep my head above water and tread to safety, lost beyond imagination.

On this day in that not too distant past, I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. Correction: I was made to do the hardest thing I would ever have to do: face my darkness head-on.

I wasn’t there to confront it, I was told, nor was I there to fight it. I was there to get to know it and make amends with it so we can co-exist in a delicate balance of darkness and light.

Um…hello???

I fought as hard as I could so as not to go there. How, in all honesty, could I allow myself to go there, especially since going there meant letting go completely of all sense of comfort and familiarity? Sure, I was in so, so much pain and misery at that time, so much so that every night as I poured myself a drink so I could fall asleep I would pray fervently that I didn’t have to wake up again the next day. But that was familiar. That much I knew. And the hurt would go away anyway, as long as I stuffed myself with cookie after cookie, cupcake after cupcake and so on. Plus I had my distractions…I’d spend countless hours downloading songs from Grey’s Anatomy then one by one, arrange them and label them per episode. I virtually camped out at Seattle Grace during that year and from there, I was able to make an alternate reality for me. It was such a great façade, in fact, that no one knew how deeply depressed I was…no one saw the bottles of tequila hidden in my closet nor knew I would take a Nyquil or two, or three at times, just to get a few hours of restless sleep. No one knew how dead and empty I felt on the inside. Read the rest of this entry »

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...let go of hurt or anger or sadness, for like grains of sand it just takes up space and gets you nowhere ...

One time over dinner, a friend of mine and I got into a little spat because she said something that hurt me deeply. The following day, I sent her a text message and told her how her cutting remarks made me feel. She replied that she was sorry that I felt that way, but that all she had done was respond to what I had said earlier on (what these were I don’t really remember anymore, but bottom line, it turns out that I had kind of set myself up for the whole thing). She went on to tell me that maybe I was not aware of it, but that I had a penchant for self-sabotage. She ended with, and Ri, you seem to thrive a lot on drama. It’s as if you actively, although unintentionally, seek to get hurt and disappointed by the people around you. What you don’t realize, however, is that you set up the stage for this to happen…you invite it and when it comes, you cling to it and don’t let go. And you know what the sad part about this is, Ri? It’s that one, you don’t realize it, and two, you tend to create this all in your head and catastrophize it so much so it consumes you almost completely.

Um…hello? Are you kidding me??? I never really saw myself as that and tell me, please, who enjoys getting hurt in the first place? And hello…I make it all up???

Yes, those were the thoughts going on in my head as she told me that and I cried my little itty bitty heart out. By the end of our conversation, however, I did come to the realization that yes, maybe most of my bitter disappointments in people around me and why I keep failing at relationships (be it in any way, shape or form) were mostly my doing. Read the rest of this entry »

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