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Little Signs, Big Messages

Lately I’ve been struggling to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve been plagued (okay, to be fair at times blessed, because they’re good) with a whole lot of dreams that have yet to fully make sense to me.

I have always been a big believer of dreams. Signs, not so much, but dreams, yes (although I have changed my mind about the whole sign thing already!)  However, while I have always believed in the powerful messages dreams bring, I often try to push them away because they tend to open that proverbial Pandora’s box. I guess that’s also why during hypnotherapy class (and other exercises that involved a whole lot of guided imagery exercises) I always fought hard to repel it. The thing is, just when I feel like I am in control of things and the world around me makes sense, I begin to dream. Yes, lots of weird, strange dreams that tap into inner insecurities and fears that, at times, are just so hard to understand at the moment. What’s  annoying about this whole dreaming thing, however, is that when I need them, or when I actually ask for them, they don’t come! Before they started to come, I had asked for them. But things got clearer. I found myself being more content and happy, which like I said in my other blog, has been my little secret…yes, happiness and contentment are the  best diet pills as far as I’m concerned! And so I was at this place, I had no more questions for my dreams to answer.

Then they started coming. Now I kinda find myself wishing for the sleepless nights I used to have where I’d wake up like clockwork every hour but be somewhat more rested than the day before. Now, although sleep stretches a little bit longer, I am less rested. Grrrr.

Tonight, however, as I browsed through my old Friendster blog (okay, okay, even I have to smile at the fact I started blogging at friendster) I came across an old post that came out of a period of elusive sleep and discontent. Maybe this is the answer….

...in me lies the mind of a realist, the heart of a dreamer and the soul of a believer...

The Contender
Saturday, May 28th, 2005

As sleep remains elusive and the clock ticks by, thoughts of who or what or why consume me. No matter how much I try to turn it off, I can’t. It’s like an annoying commentary that goes on in my head. Sometimes it even begins to sound like a debate.

Then it hits me: yeah, it is a debate. Once more the mind of the realist and the heart of a dreamer are arguing and fighting to claim dominance. No matter how much my head tells me I’m okay, my heart says otherwise. Put it this way: in therapy, I have the answers to other people’s questions; for my kids, I’m Teacher Ria, their goddess equivalent; in class I’m Miss Ria, the kikay fast-talking prof; as a student, I was at the top of my class, but not a nerd…in short, the mind in me had everything down-pat. Then the dreamer emerges…and everything hits the fan. You know how the song goes… “my head says go and find the door, my heart says I found you….”….With that, all control is gone.

However no matter how bad things have gotten, or how defeated I begin to feel in this emotional joust, something in me keeps pushing me through. Through this battle, a believer is born. Although the believer knows it will survive, sometimes doubt, fear, pain and disappointment overrun it. And it’s hard to fight a losing battle. Especially if it’s fighting an invisible foe. Worse still, if it’s fighting itself.

Perhaps a harder part of the battle is knowing that it cannot continue the fight alone. It needs to go to its corner between rounds, and perhaps ask the cut-man to tape up a bloody eyebrow. Maybe the medic needs to rub down the swelling and wipe away the sweat. What makes it hard is asking for the help to continue the fight. And harder still, is when you ask for help in your corner, and you don’t get it.

Like a fallen contender backed into a corner, battered and beaten, all it can do is wait for the bell to ring and the next round to begin. This time, who knows, it might just land the right punch. So though the clashing and struggle continue, hope is not all lost. Much like the right punch combination, it’s just a matter of timing.

And no matter how much the realist and the dreamer debate or fight, ultimately it is the believer that survives… and yes, I am a survivor.

I’d like to think that this is one of those little signs that are here to deliver big messages….I haven’t really completely browsed my old blog, so I randomly clicked on a month and this was there.

I think it resonates a lot with something I was telling a friend of mine the other day after a random, unexpected bursting of tears…that maybe my dreams are telling me to make my way to believing again in the reconciliation of the dreamer and the realist. To find the middle ground. It is telling me to drop my defenses and just admit tiredness every once in a while, which never will be a sign of weakness. In the same manner, it tells me to keep at it as long as I can, despite the stumbling and falling I take along the way. It is also a reminder, I suppose, that I can only do so much…and while I may hurt the other along the way (or others who are at my corner for that matter), it’s bound to get better somehow. And while win or lose, each side will make it through one way or the other and that those on either side cheering them on in support will still be there despite the blows and hurts thrown their way.

In the end, I’d like to thing that these signs are reminders that being a dreamer, while holding on to the very abstract and random, at times is what is right. In the same way, working from the side of reality alone is not always enough. It’s the art of balancing things, after all, that makes life what it truly is: an unexpected battle. However, unlike a fight where only one can win, in life both sides can win.

Share your opinion! Post your thoughts.

check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw