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Go Away, Bad Day.

go away, bad day 🙁

I believe that one of the greatest gifts I received from my dark night is the reassurance that I have it in me to make it through whatever challenge I face no matter what. I took from that the knowledge that despite being in the midst of whatever storm, there would always be a silver lining somewhere there. It may be difficult to spot, but it’s there.

Today, however, all that is being challenged in ways I cannot explain. And I think it started out in a very trivial manner, but it definitely has snowballed beyond imagination right now.

*ssssiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhh*

It is so overwhelming that I find myself on a slippery slope right now, fighting for balance which seems to be elusive. And yes, the more I struggle, the deeper and more tangled I get. Cognitively I know that being still and not fighting back works wonders but in me, for the life of me, I can’t let it go. GAAAAAAH!!!! In the brief moments of quiet between the buzzing in my head that I try to ignore, I see that what this all boils down to is the fact that I hate feeling how I allow myself to get irked by little things, like not being heard or understood. Or being an after-thought.  Little, itty bitty things that I should let it in one ear and out the other but for some reason, it burrows itself in there and festers. Then the next thing I know it’s bigger than me. And when this happens, I feel like the meanest, most selfish, unreasonable person on earth.

And I hate, hate, hate the fact that I’m whining about it.

Then I start wishing for things I shouldn’t wish for, like someone to just take away the inis for me and to solve the problem for me, then this makes me think about when I thought I had that but I was wrong and so the cycle continues. Yes, this is one of those moments when I hear those sappy love songs play the soundtrack of my sad, melodramatic single-girl life. yuck ang baduy.

Then I feel stupid for thinking these things. Which in turn frustrates me. Then makes me angry. And then sad. And then empty. And then exhausted. Then I feel even more stupid because I know there are people around who care and all but I am too consumed with myself to let them help. Which in turn makes me feel like I am in this thing soooo alone in the midst of a war. And again, the cycle continues. Then the snickering whispers I imagine get louder and louder until I hear nothing else but that.

In the famous words of Meredith Grey: “I mean, if life’s so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What’s up with the need to hit the self-destruct button?

Yup….my finger has been on that button all day long. Ihstoooopid.

Oh…and did I forget to mention that Project Prettify Me was a dismal fail today? Well, on the inside I suppose. I felt so pangit and fat today and no amount of dressing up or make-up changed the feeling.  *sigh*

Then again, as she put it: “Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know, maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

Where’s the darned ignore button when you need it???  Take this hammer away from me dang it!!! That’s what I get for giving up ice cream!!!! To be fair, however, I think the Fat Girl No More in me is winning in this battle…no ice cream but sorry nalang, sungit mode muna.

Yes, yet this was another ranty, angtsy post brought to you by your favorite Drama Queen 🙂

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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw