Dear You Who Had My Heart (and shattered it to a million itty-bitty pieces),
It’s been a few weeks since I finally let go of the “it’s complicated” in my relationship status after only God knows how long and I must say, letting go of that last thing I was holding on to of you has made a lot of difference.
In letting go of that, I think I finally allowed my spirit to soar again, and to become hopeful once more. I began to believe that yes, you weren’t the one for me after all, no matter how much I wanted that to be true. But more through cutting that string I began to believe that despite the fact that losing you made me feel unlovable and unwanted, I can actually be loved by others if I let them, but I was too blind to see that because of you.
Oh don’t get me wrong: I’m not pinning the blame all on you. After all, this was a game we both played, right?
I won’t pretend that every once in a while, you don’t still creep into my dreams, suddenly jolting me from sleep and leaving me all antsy and full of angst.
However, these past few days, when you came to visit, I don’t think you have the same power anymore. I do still feel that little tug in my heart when I think of you, and remember, but the sharp pains it would bring that would take my breath away and leave my heart thumpity-thump-thumping away is no longer there. It was as if that knee jerk reaction that used to compel me to respond to the vision of you suddenly dissipated and I felt that I had finally regained control over how I react to you. In a way, you stopped being like one of those apps in Facebook that would scream out click here, click here, which, despite your better judgment, you always click in the end and before long you are hooked on the game you clicked.
By giving up the complicated, I let go of impulsively clicking on the buttons of my heart which repeatedly let you in no matter how many times I had to pick up the pieces and put it back together. In the same way, I can now go back to the Starbucks we used to go to and sit there knowing it’s okay that I was there without you. I can listen to songs you used to sing on the phone with no more tears springing to my eyes. And you know, I can actually say your name with no more hurt.
As the caption in the photo says, I know now I can be happy without you. I still thank you, though, for what we had because if not for that, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today. You were perhaps one of the most pivotal moments of my life. I saw the happiest and brightest of days and the darkest of nights with you and because of you. At the end of the day, I know I will see that it was an important cornerstone of my life. A dot I had to pass through, as my dear friend would say. And like she always reminds me, somewhere down the line I will see how wonderfully connected the dots are in my life.
Andrea (yes, you read that right. Much as I denounced my name because you insisted on calling me that because it’s “yours” to use, I am taking it back and letting it be a part of me again. Ktnxbai )