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When The Dark Night Comes Visiting

In the past three months, I have been consumed by a restless stirring in me that I simply couldn’t place. It felt like I was on a roller coaster ride….soaring to great heights then free falling deep, deep down to a place where I was not sure of who I was anymore. I don’t know where it began, or how for that matter.

It started so quietly, so simply that I didn’t really realize what it was. It was a Dark Night of the Soul, coming to pay me a visit.

All I knew was that I was standing on shifting sands, once again losing my balance. I chalked it up to just a knee jerk reaction to things that were going on around me, both good and bad: from getting fitted for my best friends wedding, to viewing pictures of the other best friends twins…missing my so-called uncomplicated friend and he who still holds my heart…to getting the job of my dreams to somehow “losing” it…to opening up my heart, mind and soul to new experiences, people and things and having it change midway….to feeling like an intellectual failure and a loser for having gained almost all the weight I had lost in the past, struggling with my identity as a teacher, and being consumed once more by the green-eyed monster (and feeling guilty for feeling the way I did).

On the outside, it seemed like everything was okay. I even thought I was okay. But lately, I’ve been seeing myself shuffle between irritability, sadness, and faux happiness more and more. While there were real, authentic moments of pure bliss and happiness interspersed there, the foreboding feeling of doom was lingering.

I could hear it again…the quiet whispers of doubt, shame, fear, and emptiness. Yes….that quiet noise was back in my head and no matter how much I shushed it, it kept coming back. And yes, all that I was left with was feeling inadequate, unlovable and ick.

Then tonight  it hit me: I wasn’t paying attention.

I wasn’t paying attention to the beauty of the dark night that was surrounding me. I wasn’t paying attention to the calm around me. I wasn’t paying attention to ME.

Because I was letting things around me suck out all my energy and take over the balance I had created, and because I had lost sight of things and had allowed myself to value what others say, think or do more than the way I valued myself again, “I” got lost in the shuffle once again.  Because I got complacent, I began to forget about ME…the ME who had been gifted to me by those nights of darkness three years ago when we first met.

I had ignored her ominous warning, her reminder that while I am better, I still have things to work on. I ignored the warning signs and rather than sitting quietly in the dark and listening to what my soul was saying, I was fighting back, struggling hard to get out of the web I was trapped in. And once again, all I managed to do was get entangled in this.

Then I was reminded: fighting doesn’t work. As I learned the last time she came around: “The darkness, while it has dissipated, still comes every now and then. What I realize now is that fearing this darkness, or facing it head-on in battle, is not the solution. Rather, sitting quietly with it, honoring and respecting it’s purpose in my life, allows it to be a source of beauty and strength“.

And so tonight, I am sitting in the Dark and remembering that she is not the enemy. And what she is telling me is that I’m okay, no matter what others say 🙂

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check out my other blogs! Fat Girl No More | Daydream Believer | Teacher Ria | OnADietDaw