It’s Complicated

This weekend I found myself face to face with a question about my relationship status that I hadn’t seen in so long: so, why is it complicated?

For a moment there, in a brief flashback, I saw myself back at a time where I was a heartbroken mess, confused and betrayed by someone I had thought I loved and lost in a place I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemy. *toink*

I guess it’s something I haven’t really consciously thought about in a long time, but part of me still knew it was there somewhere. Then all of a sudden, there it was again, out in the open for me to deal with. Strangely so, this came just a few hours after I caught myself doing something I swore not to do again: stalk someone online. Duh! 🙂 *toink uli!*

The funny thing is, while I have chosen to not face that question in such a long time, I realized that in many, many ways, it still played a big role in the way I was living my life and in the decisions I  have chosen to make. And as always, the Universe found the right time for me to face up to this again.

It’s been a few days (and about a thousand dead brain cells later) since then but I can’t help but think about: why nga is it still complicated after all these many, many years??? Why can’t I just let go and move on from then?!?

I suppose it’s because I have always believed that letting go and moving on meant devaluing what that part of my life meant. To let go means to not care about it anymore, but somewhere deep inside me, I cannot find it in me to not care anymore. I still wanted to (and to be honest, I still want to) hold on to some parts of that time in my life. And yes, some of those came from him.

Off-hand, it would be easy to say just let go. The thing is, how can I let go of a period in my life that was wonderful? This goes beyond just him and me, but there were so many beautiful things that coincided, and to some degree, are part and parcel, of that time in my life.

I guess the problem is that I had the mindset that letting go and holding on are two completely separate constructs that are mutually exclusive. But when I stop and really think about it, is it really?

Today I realize that letting go and holding on exist nicely together, each playing its part in the formation of a better me, and that letting go does not have to mean complete release, but just removing the bits and pieces of hurt and pain, as well as regret and longing, but holding on to what is true and pure and essential to my soul. And so I open my eyes and my heart, and believe that, as my dear friend Pi likes to say, somehow I will be able to connect the dots and see how all of these have made me who I am today.

So is it still complicated? I guess not 🙂

  • #1
    Posted by Nicely on August 31st, 2010 at 7:48 am

    It’s really hard to make decisions when you’re in between the desire to stay and the need to go. However, time will come that things will be perfectly all right. Love is waiting.

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